It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

What's going on with you, man?

Are you limping?

Uh, no, I've just been working out

on this new exercise bike I got,

- and my glutes are, like, so sore. - Yeah.

Know what it is? - Oh.

- Yeah, big-time, big-time. - Howdy.

- Hi. - It's... it's very windy today, isn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, man, look at this.

Dog shit.

Did you just step in that on purpose?

Oh, no, I just... you know, I didn't really see it.

You pointed it out to me!

And then you stepped directly in it.

- Since when do you read? - What? Nothing. No.

Books are stupid.

I don't. I was just...

It wasn't... like, I didn't time it out.

- I mean, why would I do that? - I have no idea.

- Why are you still standing in it? - It was just an accident, man.

People step in dog shit accidentally all the time.

Is that a lottery scratcher?

Sometimes it's in,

- sometimes it's out. - Are those mirrors?

- No. - You creep.

Look out, faggot!

Holy shit.

God!

Are you okay?

Hey, Frank, what the hell was that?

What? I saved your life.

But you called me the "F" word.

So what? I'm a hero.

You used a slur, dude.

That's like a hate crime.

Yeah, that's hateful speech, man.

- You really can't... - Yeah, but he saved his life.

Yeah, but you can't say that word anymore.

So, which is it?

You are entitled to nothing!

Listen, motion to present

articles of confederation.

- Motion denied. - Oh...

Shut up, bitch. You don't deserve anything.

Excuse me. Hey. Can I help you?

Okay, look, well, usually, we're a pretty reasonable crew.

- Yeah, right? I mean... - Yeah.

...we have our differences, but we settle them in house.

- Sure. - We have a good process.

There's filibusters, the whole thing.

- No. - This one's a doozy.

- Yeah, this one we can't do in-house. - We can't... we can't...

That's why I wanted to bring in a third party.

Someone to hear us out and deliver a final verdict.

- That's you, guy. - Yeah, that's... you.

That's you.

Because a great injustice has occurred, okay?

Frank committed a hate crime.

I saved your life.

- But you used a slur! - It was a slur.

- That's... - You'd be dead if I didn't!

Okay, okay, I think I'm getting it.

You want me to figure out whether or not

a hate crime's been committed?

What?

- No. - No, no, no, no.

- Way off. Way off. - No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, but, no, it's not about that at all.

Yeah, it's about this.

A two-dollar scratcher lottery ticket.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

Y-You've hired an arbitration attorney

to figure out which of you is entitled

to a two-dollar scratcher?

- Now you're getting it. - Me.

- He's getting it. - Now he gets it.

The thing is, each one of us feels that we're entitled

to that ticket, and we need you

- to tell us who it belongs to. - Yeah.

Why don't you scratch it and see if it's worthless,

and then you wouldn't have to go through all of this?

- Okay, so he's not getting it. - What?!

- Is he serious? - Do you not want a job?

Hold on. Is it Phil? Is your name Phil?

- Yeah, Phil, yeah. - It is Phil?

It's Phil.

This ticket represents hope, okay?

Potential... yeah?

Promise.

The very foundation upon which this group rests, eh?

- Yes. - And that hope

belongs to me.

It belongs to me, you son of a bitch!

Please, stop.

Each of you will have an opportunity to plead your case.

The only rule I have is that you each treat each other

with respect and common courtesy.

Do we all agree to those terms?

Well, we would like to thank you so much

for taking our case so last-minute.

The other guy was not our style.

Well, I'm very happy to do so.

I do have a few questions.

- Fire away. - Yup. - Of course, yeah.

Now, the ticket in question, uh, who purchased it?

- Me! Thank you. - Well...

That was me, and that's why

- this whole thing is so cut and dry. - It's...

Hold on. I purchased the ticket,

and therefore the ticket belongs to me.

I actually bought the ticket a couple of weeks ago.

But I didn't realize it was gonna be so goddamn blustery

that afternoon.

And as I was putting my book into my purse,

the ticket flew out and landed on the ground.

So, you purchased the ticket two weeks ago.

I did.

And why hadn't you scratched the ticket yet?

Oh... well, that's because

nobody ever wins those tickets, right?

But as long as you don't scratch it,

then you're not a loser.

You know, in fact, you're a winner.

Potentially.

- God, Dee... - That is so sad!

- It's so pathetic. - What are...

- It is pathetic. - So sad.

What are you talking... You just said

this exact same thing, like, ten minutes ago,

talking about how the ticket

represented hope and all that bullshit.

Somehow coming from you, it just came off so sad.

Well, hold on a second. Motion for sub-arbitration

to determine whether or not that's sad.

Motion accepted. All in favor?

Aye.

Motion passed. It's sad, Dee.

I'd also like to point out

that while Dee's version is the truth,

it's not the whole truth.

Why don't we talk about the contents of Dee's purse?

The scratcher ticket, the candy sour worms,

the pack of cigarettes.

Now, what I want to know is...

how can a woman who makes less than minimum wage

afford such impulse buys?

So, you're smoking now, Dee?

Is this about your weight?

Because if it is, you're already too bony.

No, I don't think so. I mean, I think you're

getting pretty tubby in the midsection area.

- What? - Like a bird.

No, no, that's fine.

Her hands are becoming a major problem for me though.

I have Parkinson's disease.

What?

Well, at least I have a 46% chance

of getting Parkinson's disease, according to a DNA test I took.

The medical journal was because I'm trying to learn

as much as I can about this, you know?

And, you guys, according to that,

smoking can reduce your risk of...

Oh, my God, who gives a shit?!

- What? - Dee, this isn't about whether or not

you have some horrific neurological disease

or whether or not your hands are the right size.

They are, by the way, but your elbows are a mess.

They're too sharp.

I don't like it. They're stabbing me.

- That's what it is. - You got it.

That's not the point, that's not the point.

The point is: how can you actually afford to smoke?

You see, Dee and I had a deal.

I give her money for coffee

every morning on the way to work.

And she's instructed to give

a very generous tip to the cashier, Cassie.

"This is from my boss, Dennis."

Now, this establishes both generosity and authority.

Possibly a little dominance.

It's all a very choreographed dance

between two soon-to-be lovers.

Ah...

Cassie's underage.

No, no, no, what-what? What are you talking about?

Cassie is not underage.

Cassie is 21 years old.

So, the champagne I was purchasing

was to celebrate her legal drinking status.

And to honor her full maturity.

You see, I was waiting for Cassie to mature.

You know, much like an IRA.

Y-You put the money in, then you wait.

And then you make a hefty withdrawal.

Okay, yeah, sure.

Before full maturity, yeah, ew.

Yeah, but weren't you just saying

that you were doing deposits before maturity?

Uh, no, no, no, no. See, that's where you're wrong.