Nishant Tanwar : Dilli Se Hoon B*@!%D

Hello.

Is this car yours?

Which one?

The black Scorpio

with a baseball bat.

Yes, that's mine.

Who is this?

I live on the floor below you,

that's my parking spot.

Fine, I'll move it.

You will?

Do it now!

But I am sleeping,

How do I do it now?

Now means now!

Excuse me?

I told you I'll move it.

It's not an assigned spot anyway.

Firstly, you use our spot

and then back answer?

No manners only.

Non sense fellow.

What you think of yourself?

Where are you from?

Listen to me.

Move it

if you can.

And yes,

I'm from Delhi.

What's up?

All good?

Nice.

How many people here

have seen me before?

Could be anywhere.

Where? Louder.

YouTube!

Because some days ago,

I was performing somewhere.

I asked the same question,

someone shouted,

"xvideos."

I was very happy.

That someone who looks likes me

is having fun somewhere.

How many people here

drink alcohol?

It was different before,

I used to not drink.

Wouldn't even take a sip.

So much so that

I would avoid even

being with those who did.

So much.

But when you're on the receiving end...

Not what you guys are thinking.

When I went out with my friends,

they went for Greygoose,

Black Label, Blue Label,

and so on...

I used to drink

Strawberry milkshake.

That too only because,

Rooh Afza wasn't available.

Not like I didn't check with the waiter.

"Do you have Rooh Afza?"

He immediately figured out my poverty.

"We don't have Rooh Afza,"

"Rasna,"

"or Jaljeera."

My friends got drunk

and when we received the bill.

"Rs.15,000 in total."

"There's 5 of us."

"15000/5"

"3000 each."

You lowlife!

That's why

I started drinking too.

Because how many

milk shakes can one have?

"Another beer?"

"5 more milkshakes."

"Another beer?"

"5 more milkshakes."

But once I started drinking,

because I had to...

I noticed something.

Delhi's scene is different

from the entire world

when it comes to alcohol.

Let's talk about measurements.

Outside Delhi, people measure like this:

1 peg, 2 peg,

4 peg.

Not in Delhi.

Here the measurements are:

Big Bottle,

Medium Bottle,

Don't feel like drinking today,

then small bottle.

And

I saw that elsewhere,

people go to sleep after drinking.

We have characters.

Delhities become characters when drunk.

We had this one friend in out group.

We named him,

MakeMyTrip,

because...

Whenever we sat to drink,

right after the first sip,

"Let's go to Goa."

At least let us get drunk.

There was another such character,

called Shakespeare.

Because generally,

when sober,

he used to converse only in fluent Hindi.

But as soon as he...

"To be or not to be,"

"that is the question."

You went to a CBSE board

and Central School,

where even English teachers

speak in Hindi.

"To be or not to be..."

After 4 drinks,

French.

French.

And the closest

French thing he has been to in life,

is French Fries.

There's one to enjoy at your expense,

who enjoys drinking

but forces others to drink.

That's so much more fun.

The way to enjoy life

is in making people drink.

Such people remind me of my mother.

The way she feeds me at home.

"Why just one bread?"

"Have more."

"Just two?"

"Another one."

Similarly,

"3? Have another!"

"Lovely."

He's wasted.

Another thing I've seen is

the planning scene is quite strong.

Planning.

Our planning scene was...

People in other cities plan well when they drink.

They'll drink at a friend's place,

and order food over there too.

Dinner after alcohol.

Sleep there.

If they feel like getting adventurous

they'll catch a cab and go home.

Not in Delhi.

Delhiites aren't good at planing.

Here, no matter how much food you order,

always end up running short after drinking.

Then the place y'all are drinking at,

ends up having a

CID kind of raid in the kitchen.

"Break the door, Daya."

Then the search begins all over.

Right then, a blessing from

one of the cabinets drops.

Maggi.

I feel

in Delhi the alcohol companies should

start giving combos.

"Your bit bottle,"

"and 4-in-1 packet."

We found Maggi.

Sorted.

We'll eat noodles.

But that day, my friend decided to become

Masterchef Australia.

I always wondered why

Maggi packets have

written instructions on them.

Who doesn't know?

Everyone knows.

That day I realized,

the reason for this.

Because where the rest of the world,

cooks and eats the noodles.

My friend went,

"It doesn't feel special yet."

"Special."

So he put a slab of cheese in it.

Cracked an egg in it.

"Now can I eat it?"

"No no, wait."

He then took out chili flakes

from the fridge,