The L Word - Second Season

Previously on The L Word.

Why is it important for you to believe everyone's...

- ...sleeping with everyone else? - Because they are.

You know the neighbours next door, are they a gay couple?

Yeah, they are.

Because I saw them having sex in their pool.

We're having a party tomorrow night.

Jenny, this is Marina.

You guys should totally take the Cosmo romance quiz.

- Where are you? - I'm right here.

You're getting married?

- Are you happy? - Don't ask me that.

Why couldn't you stop it? Why was it so hard?

- What happened with us was a mistake. - Did you hear what she said?

We need to get a divorce.

- Are you free on Saturday night? - I have a date.

Has she told you she's a dyke yet?

- I should probably go. - Gene, no. I should go.

I don't want either of you to leave.

Ever notice that every time Shane walks into a room, someone leaves crying?

I don't do relationships.

- Tell me what you want. - What you can do for me?

- Are you in love with her? - Yeah.

You gotta keep it in your pants.

- Open the gate! - I never wanna see you again!

- It was a delusion. - You felt it too.

That kind of love does not exist.

- What does Shane have that I don't? - Nipple confidence.

Hey!

You don't understand what it means to be me.

I'm Tonya, guest liaison. I'm here to take care of all your needs.

I'm about to go down on Dana Fairbanks.

That girl has bad fucking vibes.

Make up your mind, dick or pussy.

I'm looking for the same qualities in a man...

- ...as I am in a woman. - Big tits.

We're getting married.

You can't marry Tonya.

If you ever need to talk, give me a call.

She wants to be your husband.

If you were a man, you would be the perfect man.

Let's make a baby.

I have found the perfect donor.

How could you not tell me that Marcus Allenwood is black?

We're gonna have a baby.

I was unable to locate a heartbeat.

I was only 12 weeks, but I feel like I lost someone I was with all my life.

All I wanted to do all day long is kiss you.

- I can't. - You can't what, babe?

Take me somewhere.

- I saw it. - I'm sorry.

Fuck you! Fuck you!

I can't believe this is happening.

When I did this, I thought I had a certain amount of security.

Whether it worked or not...

...I thought Bette and I were solid.

- When were you planning to tell Bette? - Right about now.

If everything looked like it was going to go well...

...and nothing was gonna go wrong like last time.

I didn't think Bette could handle another miscarriage.

No?

Oh, my.

Well, look at you.

Yeah, it just sort of... Just popped.

I'm not ready to tell anybody. I wanna keep it to myself for a while.

Well, that's not gonna be easy, my dear.

Looks like I'm having this baby on my own.

- Now, that's a shame, Tina. - Don't say that.

People do it all the time.

And you're okay with that?

I want this baby more than ever.

I was so happy to have you here.

Hello?

Hi.

Hey, where did you go?

What's going on?

Damn it.

Why did I get this assignment? I'm so not a knitter.

Well, it's crazy popular, and all the fags I know are doing it.

- Even some of the straight boys too. - Right, see?

Men should knit and women should run the world. That's how I see it.

That's what I'm gonna write for LA Magazine. That's good.

Yeah, go for it. They'll love it.

How's Tina?

Well, Bette still hasn't called her.

It's wrong when God lets people who are meant to be together come apart.

You believe in God?

What?

This coffee tastes like poopy shit.

Where's Marina?

I haven't seen her for days. I have no idea.

Yeah, me neither.

So listen, do you...

...wanna talk about anything or...?

Because that's what friends are for, if you'd like to talk.

I've got nothing to talk about.

- Shane. - What?

Oh, quit being such a lez.

Well, that? You're just back from Cherie Jaffe Land?

Nothing's changed. I'm still me.

Oh, so you still live by the code.

You don't do relationships.

It's not a code. it's me.

Oh, shit.

Oh, no. I cannot take Cruella De Vil this morning.

Do some... Pretend I'm upset. Put your arm around me.

I'll just start sobbing, and, obviously, it'll be a really intimate moment.

I mean, no halfway sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting.

Oh, you guys.

This place is falling apart.

- You hear what happened to Marina? - What?

A nervous breakdown, complete and total.

- She had to be hospitalized. - She tried to off herself?

She slit her wrists at the Bel-Air Hotel in the penthouse suite.

That's horrible!

She was wearing that fabulous Dolce & Gabbana suit.

- We should see her. - Too late.

Her mother put her on a plane to Milan. She's a contessa.

I know, she's a contessa. Marina's a contessa.

Honey! Honey.

Honey, honey, come here. Hi.

I was just telling the girls how I almost became your future ex-wife last night.

I freaked out with the wedding planners.

Excuse me, we need a green tea. lced.

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm freaked out about Marina.

Oh, yeah. Thank God for the bellboy. He came in as she was about to jump.

- Wait, you said she slit her wrists. - Look at you, all sweaty.

Isn't it cute how she perspires so much?

So how's Tina? Has Bette called yet?

Apparently, she walked in on them in their very own bedroom.

Okay, Ms. inside Story, how did Tina find out?

Well, actually, Tonya, she guessed.

Because she saw them touching hands, and then she knew everything.

- She could tell by seeing them touch? - Women can do that.

Yeah, especially dykes.

I don't know what Bette was thinking.

I mean, you don't step out on a woman like Tina...

...for somebody who hammers planks for a living.

Are you saying that it would've been okay if Candace had a better job?

- It's not our business. - Look, Bette loves Tina.

- There's no doubt about it. - So then why can't they work it out?

It's a sex thing, and Bette can't help it.

So if it's just a sex thing then you can get it under control, right?

Women can control it. Men are controlled by their peckers.

There's no difference between men and women.

This is a perfect example or she'd have called it off.

Bette is still schtupping the carpenter?

- I feel so awful for Tina. - Guys...

Bette better get that pecker under control.

Guys!

You know those skinny Japanese ones?

They don't really look like mushrooms, you know?

They kind of look more like noodles or something.

I never know what to do with them.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What were you saying?

- I was talking about mushrooms. - Right, right.

- Do you like mushrooms? - Selectively.

You?

They... They really do scare me.

God, I remember in third grade there was this beautiful girl.

God, gorgeous.

Her name was Miriam, and she had this wild mushroom...

...and was in hospital for three weeks, you know, this allergic reaction...

...and, God, she missed the relay race.

Wow, I've never actually seen onions on a stem before.

- Do they taste different? - Smell them.

Oh, that's very strong.

You wanna fuck her right here...

...or you both wanna come back to my place?

Gene!

- I don't think my roommate's home. - No, no... I'm sorry.

Okay, what's going on?

I didn't pressure you into this, all right?

You said you wanted to keep seeing me, so...

- Yeah, I know. - What is it?

- And I said that I like you. - That's really nice, you know.

I like you too, but we don't have sex.

Okay? There it is.

I'd like to be having sex with the woman I cook for.

Make mix tapes for you... You don't wanna have sex.

And I know why. It's because you're gay, all right?

That's it. I'm sorry to break it to you, you are a girl-loving, full-on lesbian.

- I don't think that's for you to say. - Well, deal with it, all right?

Good luck.

- Are we ever gonna talk about this? - Talk about what?

- Okay. - Hold on.

It was a mistake, right?

- If you say so. - Well, what about you?

- Do you have anything to say? - You were the one who kissed me first.

I kind of remember you kissing me back.

After you started it.

So if I was to kiss you again...?

Oh, you know.

You know.

Oh, Alice will know. Alice, what's the...?

A booking agency, not Smashbox, but...

Fred Segal hair and makeup?

Tonya, it's cool. The agency is fine. They got me a job.