Santa Clarita Diet

Hmm.

- Hello. - Hi there.

- Is this Ruby's Clams? - Yeah, and I'm Ruby.

Oh, good morning, I'm Irving Zweeben. I got your address from Japopo's.

- Are you a clam distributor? - Well, I'm trying to be.

It's a mom-and-pop operation, minus the pop.

Got a shit ton of snap and crackle, though.

What's your story, Irv?

Well, I'm an amateur clam grower. A "clamateur," if you will.

I just had a few questions about going pro.

Such as where do you get your clam seeds? How many have you grown?

What other restaurants have you sold them to?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.

You gotta put a clam in a hot bath before she opens up.

Why don't you come inside the house?

I'd love to. But first, would you like a Danish?

I don't know what you eat or don't eat, but they're very good.

Oh, I couldn't. I'm on a diet.

I see.

Ah, fuck it.

Mm!

That is good.

Yeah.

You looked nervous, like I wasn't gonna like your Danish or something.

Well, I put a little nutmeg in it,

and I'm always afraid someone's gonna say, "Whoa, nutmeg?"

I like you, Irv.

Come on, I'm gonna show you something special.

Then maybe I'll show you my clams.

Starting your own real estate business, huh?

That's exciting. I'll be praying for you.

Ugh, thanks. I really need this to work.

I cost us our last job because my boss was such a fucker.

Sorry. Jerk.

My fucking boss was such a jerk!

Whoa, easy there, coconut hands.

Coconut hands?

Yeah, it's an expression for people who hit really hard.

You know, because coconuts are so hard. I came up with it myself.

Well, I really think it's gonna catch on because that's so easy to explain.

I think your new business is gonna do really well.

I mean, you're so strong and tough on the outside, and sweet on the inside.

You're like, um...

Well, I wanna say something else, but the best example is a coconut.

Okay, I guess I see how you could get there again.

Plus, you're so inspiring.

I mean, you got me to start painting again for Pete's sake.

You're just really awesome, Sheila.

Ugh. That's so nice.

Holy guacamole! Are you okay?

Oh, boy, getting hit in the face hurts.

- Do you want me to get you some ice? - No, it's, um... it's better now.

I'm glad your painting's going well.

I'd love to see it. It's just over at Lisa's, right?

Yeah, but it's not that good.

I'm sure it's great. Come on, don't be such a...

All I can think of is coconut.

It's a series. I call it "Suspicious Objects."

Wow.

Yeah?

- Hey, Abby. - Hi, Eric.

Just stopped by to see if your dad needed help

checking out the clam distributor.

I don't know if you heard, but to get the name,

I had to engage in a pretty dangerous game of cat and mouse.

- You were the mouse, right? - I also wanted to see if you were mad

I bailed on blowing up the fracking trailer with you.

But then you just called me a "mouse," so I guess that's a yes?

I'm not mad. I'm just busy, okay?

My dad's not here. If you wanna let him know you came by,

you could always leave a trail of tiny droppings on the kitchen counter.

Okay. I'm not comfortable doing something illegal,

but if you want to, that's fine, I'm not judging.

Are you making your own explosives? That's crazy! What's wrong with you?

I'm exploring options.

You bailed, so you don't get to have an opinion, okay?

Nobody likes a backseat arsonist.

All right.

Just so you know, you should be careful using a hydrocarbon-based fuel

as an accelerant, all right, because it's...

More volatile than available combustibles.

I know, Eric.

But thank you for mouse-splaining explosives to me.

Well, I could call you an animal, too.

You're like an Indian mealmoth who flies directly into a flame

because it read one book from 1971 and now it knows everything.

Yeah, well, at least a mealmoth has friends it can rely on

who won't flutter away at the first sign of trouble.

You know nothing of moths. Although, that was unbelievably accurate.

- Look at all these clams. - I grow them all right here.

They say you can't get local seafood in the desert,

but I'm gonna prove those fuckers wrong.

- Would you like a drink, Irv? - No, I'm good.

And have you proved those fuckers wrong?

How many restaurants have you sold these to?

So far, just Japopo's. That was my trial batch.

Oh, my God. Really? Just Japopo's. No one else has had these?

No, not even me. I'm allergic.

Shellfish makes my tongue swell up. Not that I'm against things swelling up.

Okey-dokey.

Listen, Ruby, I wanna buy all of these. All three tanks.

Oh, no, these aren't for sale. These are my house clams.

Yeah, that's Kevin. There's James, Alex, Peter...

Hold up. If these are your friends, which ones did you sell to Japopo's?

The ones out back.

Jesus Christ.

They're one of a kind.

My brother explores deepwater lakes all over the world.

He's one of those rich assholes who develops a dangerous hobby.

Anyway, he found a few of these in some cave 90 meters deep.

He knows I love clams so he smuggled a few through Customs for me to breed.

Family. What would we do without them?

- Where was this lake? - Somewhere in Serbia.

Serbia.

I call them "Ruby Reds." Be careful, they bite.

How many of these are there?

Well, six months ago, I had four, but they breed like crazy,

and now I have 5,000.

Tomorrow, I'm shipping them out to restaurants all over the state.

Oh, my God.

Ruby, listen to me. You can't sell these. They made people sick.

What are you talking about? Japopo's didn't complain.

They didn't know!

All right, what would it cost for me to buy all these "Ruby Reds" right now?

I'm not selling them to you. I have buyers lined up.

If this goes well, I can quit my job at the Sleep Apnea Center.

Won't have to strap wires to those fat fucks

and listen to them snore all night.

First of all, no matter how this goes, you should quit your job.

And these clams are dangerous. They have to be destroyed.

Who are you? You're not a clam hobbyist.

Do you work for Akana International Ocean Meats?

Were you sent here to seduce me out of my inventory?

No, Ruby, it's not like that. And you came on to me.

Get out.

Sheila, we have a problem.

Yes, we do. You need to get to Lisa's right now.

Anne is painting, and she is putting it all together...

Perspective, scale, depth...

Well, we have a problem here, too.

- Ah, better. - Other side.

Ah, better.

I saw the infected clams.

Ruby's is the source.

Really interesting, honey. And did you hear what I said?

Anne's got it all figured out. Artistically.

You mean not artistically,

but she's standing right next to you and we're fucked?

Yeah-huh. I'll see you when you get here.

Damn it!

And I need to get gas. Shit!

We discussed this, Marsha.

When we try to do too many things, everyone ends up disappointed.

All I'm saying, it's my sister's baby shower and I wanted to be there.

It's her third baby, Marsha. A shower's tacky.

And I told you the day would come when I'd be called into service.

You also said you wanted a big family, and that day's not coming anytime soon.

Can we just not? Can we please just not?

I'm sorry, I have a sacred purpose.

Wow, look what you did.

What did you do? What did you do?

I was sitting at my easel thinking about all the people

that have disappeared in Santa Clarita lately.

Then I just started painting the missing persons flyer for Dan.

Interesting.

Then I thought about Gary's finger that was found in Dan's cubby over there,

- so I just painted that. - Interesting.

I feel like there's another link between Gary and Dan that we just don't know yet.

But I couldn't figure it out, so I took a break and painted Joel.

So flattering. Thank you.

- Hey, why me? - Yeah, hey, why him?

I don't know.

I was painting suspicious objects and then I just thought

of that nervous smile of yours.

- Yeah, that's the one. - I'm not smiling.

Hey, what's this milkshake? That's different and fun and different.

Oh, that's a tumbler full of vomit that was found in the apartment

of a missing Serbian man who I think may have been murdered.

Wow, you're just seeing murder everywhere.

I'm starting to think that maybe Gary and Dan

didn't really know each other at all.

And maybe someone planted Gary's finger to implicate Dan,

and they're both really dead.

And the same person who killed them is also killing other people,

like the missing Nazi and the Serb.

But who? Who could be killing all of these people?

I gotta say, that theory seems crazy.

I don't wanna sound harsh,

but you should burn these before people see them and judge you.

Yeah, my boss didn't buy it, either. And that was harsh.

Well, still, maybe you should listen to your boss.

He is a boss for a reason.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but I need you to understand.

- No one's gonna buy these. - It's just that murder's such a downer.

Maybe paint something cute.

- I'd love to see your take on a baby. - Or a lizard.

- Or a lizard baby. - Nobody's painting lizard babies.

Mm-mm.

God damn it!

Anne's one Nazi-in-a-wheelchair painting away from nailing us.