21 Jump Street

Hey, Melodie.

- Hey. - Look, I know

we've known each other for a really long time.

And we live across the street from each other and stuff.

And...

I know, like, in four days,

I'm sure, if...

- You know, prom's, like, in four days... - Oh, my God.

You're not asking me to prom, are you?

Fuck, no.

No, I... No, I just...

- You're probably going with someone. - I'm sorry.

I don't know how to put this nicely.

There's not a nice way to put it.

You're a fucking nerd.

And, you know... I don't know. She's hot.

Look at her. Look at her.

- Look at her. Look at her. Look at her. - I'll see you later.

- Bye. - All right, buddy, good talk.

Dude, classic.

Greg Jenko to the principal's office. Greg Jenko to the principal's office.

- Shit. - Good luck, bro.

I said loud and clear,

if you didn't get your grades up, you weren't going to the prom.

You, my friend, are about to pay the piper.

I should pay who?

You're not going to the prom.

Boy, you lucky you even graduating.

But I'm going to be prom king.

I'm glad you had a great time in school.

'Cause you ain't learned nothing.

Fuck! Fuck!

Welcome to the Police Academy.

Make sure your form is completely filled out, then move along.

Not-so-slim Shady, what's up? Holy shit!

Jenko, Schmidt, you're up.

Oh, fuck!

- You're good at this, huh? - Yeah, I am.

Thank you.

Such bullshit.

You're really good at this.

Yeah, I am.

Hey, you want to be friends?

Come on. Come on, let's go.

Come on, pick your knees up. Pick your knees up.

I'm telling you right now, it's not a felony.

Chill, all right? Look, if it has intent, it's a felony.

What did I tell you? Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Faster. Let's go.

Clear!

Clear!

Come on, come on, come on! Stop.

Yes! Yes!

Let me see. Let me see.

Nice.

Ten-hut! Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you the graduates of Class 137.

Get ready for a lifetime of being badass motherfuckers.

I am.

I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions,

and less homeless people doo-dooing everywhere.

Do you guys really think this is a police matter?

To get your Frisbee back?

Get your own fucking Frisbee.

Shit.

Shit! Shit!

Yours isn't loaded, right?

We're supposed to unload them first, right?

What, you... No.

That's no fun. Come on.

Sign says, "Do not feed the ducks."

It's right there.

- Don't you... Don't... - Don't. Stop it.

Don't. You did it. You fed the ducks.

You feel like a big shot?

No fucking way.

One Percenters?

These guys are, like, big-time drug dealers.

If we could take them down as our first bust, we'd be off park duty for sure.

You see what I see?

Cannabis sativa.

Chaka Khan.

Chaka Khan?

Gentlemen. We having a little party?

Have we forgotten that the use of marijuana is illegal?

I have glaucoma.

I get nervous in crowds.

Herpes.

Then you won't mind if I search your bike, now, would you?

Go ahead. You won't find shit.

- Get up. - Cálmate, gringo.

Man, you guys even real cops? You look like the kids on Halloween.

If those boys is cops, I'm DEA.

I know, right? I know.

It's hilarious.

So why don't you show us a little respect?

- Fuck you, pig. - Hey.

You want me to beat your dick off?

You want to beat my dick off?

I'll beat your dick off with both hands. What's up? Let's go.

- That's weird, man. - I think what he was trying to say was,

he's going to punch you so many times around the genital area

that your dick's just going to fall off.

Why do you have salt in your...

- That's actual drugs. - Oh, my God.

Get on the ground! Hey!

- Come here now! - What do I do?

- Chase someone! - Chase someone?

Are you leaving your bike here?

Okay. All right.

Don't run from me! You're making it worse for yourself!

No! Get out of the way!

Stop!

I'm going to shoot you if you don't slow down, man! Come on!

Hey! Come here!

I'm not playing any more! I'm so not kidding!

I got him. I got him.

Freeze! Freeze!

Hands up or I shoot you! Freeze!

That's it! Come here!

Freeze! Stop it!

You're a pussy!

You got the right to... Give me that! You got the right to...

...to suck my dick, motherfucker!

My elbow.

- You got nothing. - How's my dick feel in your ass, huh?

- Hey! Hey! - How's it feel? How's it feel now?

That's right. Schmidt! Schmidt, we got one!

We got one! I got him!

Yes! Yes!

- Yeah! - We got an arrest!

- Yeah! We got him! - Yes!

- Yeah! Fuck you! Yeah! - Fuck you! Yeah!

What's up?

Drop my nuts on your motherfucking forehead!

Drop my nuts on your motherfucking forehead!

- That's right. - Fuck you, park!

- We arrest people now! - What up, park?

- What's up? What's up? - What up, park? Who wants one?

Congratulations on the bust, boys. It sounds great.

- Thank you, Cinnamon. - Are those new?

The department was forced to drop the charges

because you forgot to read him his Miranda rights.

What possible reason is there for not doing the only thing

you have to do when arresting someone?

I did read him his right... I did a version of that.

- Do you even know the Miranda rights? - Yes.

Let's hear them, then.

You got a lot of stuff to do.

No, go ahead. You going anywhere, Schmidt?

We got time.

I had a thing, but I can probably push it back.

Go ahead. It's four declamatory sentences, followed by a question,

for a total of 57 words.

Okay. Look, it obviously starts with, "You have the right to remain silent."

I know you've heard this before. And then,

I think it sounds something like...

- "You have the right to an attorney." - Well, the thing... Yeah, right.

"You have the right to remain an attorney."

Did you say that you have the right to be an attorney?

You do have the right to be an attorney, if you want to.

Where were you?

I was chasing my perp, sir.

And how did that go for you?

Honestly, he did get away,

and he threw me down pretty hard.

Actually fucked up my elbow pretty bad.

Can I see that?

Yeah, actually, it hurts 'cause the dirt gets mushed into it.

Wow.

Fortunately for you two,

we're reviving a cancelled undercover police programme from the '80s

and revamping it for modern times.

You see, the guys in charge of this stuff

lack creativity and are completely out of ideas,

so all they do now is recycle shit from the past

and expect us all not to notice.

One of these programmes involves the use of young,

immature-seeming officers.

Sir, are you saying that you're going to send us into, like,

a child sex slavery ring or something?

Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will.

It's just... I'd prefer not to.

I think you idiots are perfect.

You're officially transferred.

- All right. Yeah. - That's great.

Where should we report to?

Down on Jump Street.

37 Jump Street.

No, that doesn't sound right.

Is it...

This has got to be a joke.

This is it.

Aroma of Christ Church?

How's it going?

This place is weird.

Everybody comfortable?

Yeah.

Get your motherfucking ass up when I'm talking!