Bunny and the Bull

For some time now, Stephen Turnbull has been a man of routine.

Every day he showers for 27 minutes...

..brushes forfour..

- ..gargles for eight... - Ahh!

..and flosses for seven.

He then files the floss...

..stacks his urine...

..and notes its pH.

Next he washes everything that has so fartouched his body,

completes a 200-page book of bumper crosswords

and watches eight episodes of Ray Mears' Extreme Survival on video tape.

Remember, you should always carry a parachute.

Then it's time for lunch.

Every day Stephen eats the same meal -

a freeze-dried vegetarian lasagne,

hermetically sealed for maximum life expectancy.

But today something is different.

Today there is a break in his carefully-orchestrated routine.

Today Stephen will attempt to do

something he hasn't done for over a year.

Today...

Stephen will try to leave the house.

Ahoy there, matey, and welcome to Captain Crab.

He sails the seven seas so you don't have to,

bringing you the freshest produce which will have you hooked, line and sinker.

Before we hoist anchor, tell me your name, sailor.

- Stephen Turnbull. - And where do you hail from?

15B Limestone Road,

King's Cross, London,

N1 9KM.

Would you like to orderfish - such as cod, sole, haddock,

halibut, mackerel, catfish, krill...

No.

Would you like to order crustacean - such as crab, lobster, prawn, scallop...

No.

Would you like to order the vegetarian option?

- Yes. - Great choice, shipmate.

Today's vegetarian option is...

: Mixed vegetables.

Mm, sounds delicious!

There's nothing that the Captain likes more

than to chow down on a hearty plate of...

: Mixed vegetables.

My personal favourite!

To complete the order, just say, "Feed me."

What?

Say, "Feed me." Say, "Feed me."

Say, "Feed me." Say, "Feed me." Say, "Feed me."

Feed me.

We surely will, shipmate.

Now relax, your order is sailing your way.

Welcome to Captain Crab, sir.

Please take a seat.

Oh, hey dude.

Mm, you look gorgeous. She's gonna love you.

This is it?

What?

You told me you'd booked me a table in a world-class seafood restaurant.

- And? - This place is a dump.

What the fuck are you talking about? It's incredible. I eat here all the time.

I've been waiting for this day for three years, Bunny.

I'm hardly going to tell Melanie I love her in a Captain Crab.

Hey, come on.

I've saved you the best table in the house, buddy.

Hit the lights, Ray.

Now, listen to me. You're ready, all right? You're gorgeous.

You've carried this girl's library books for three years.

You've even got a PhD to impress her, for God's sake.

Ifthis piece of chicken don't wanna work yourjoint after that,

I'll cut off my right nut.

Thank you.

Fuck her, dude.

The "Friend Zone".

Well, it was three years.

In my book, if you haven't had snogsies by closing time it's game over.

Maybe there's a way back.

No way back from the Friend Zone, dude.

She doesn't see you as a sexual being.

- But I am one. - Mm, I know.

I think you're gorgeous.

So do loads of girls, just...not in Britain.

That's why we need to hit the road, man.

Find ourselves a country where you can do something about

those walloping great Space Hoppers you've got clanging around in your pants.

I'm having a year off sex.

Another one?

Come on, man, give yourself a break.

Let's go on holiday.

I thought you were broke.

All that's about to change.

Who have you got in the 3:40 at Ripon?

- Future Proof. - Mm-mm.

Atlantis Rising.

- Are you mentally ill? - That horse is a shoe-in.

I know that horse. It's 50-1 for a reason.

Well...

- Is this the Heindberg Theory again? - No.

There's no way the jockey with the most aggressive face always wins.

All right, you were right. I've accepted that now, thank you.

But this is a bona fide tip.

Masouda reckons he's a dead cert.

Who's Masouda?

Remember when I was in the Yemen?

Masouda's this really sexy stable girl out there.

And she says in training he's dynamite.

They've been slow running him just to get the odds up.

And this is the race they're gonna let that donkey fly.

- Isn't that illegal? - Massively illegal, dude.

We'll probably go to jail. That's the point.

Think about it - 50 quid at 50-1 .

That's two-and-a-half grand.

Easily enough for a little jaunt round Europe for a couple offellas like us.

Huh?

All right, yeah. 50 quid on the nose.

That's my boy.

Last bets, please. Last bets forthe 3:40 at Ripon.

When were you in the Yemen?

Last summer.

I thought you were on a fishing boat.

Yeah...fishing boat in the Yemen.

Oh, right.

So you must know the song, then?

Mm?

The song that Yemenese fisher folk sing almost constantly as they labour.

Oh, yeah. Good tune, that.

Mm-hm. How did it go?

- There is no Masouda, is there? - No.

- Ever been to the Yemen? - No.

- This is the Heindberg Theory again. - Fine, yes. But look at his face.

That is one mean motherfucker.

There's the 50-1 outsider, Atlantis Rising,

trying to get to know the favourite, who doesn't seem to be having it.

And they're off. A clean start, apart from Atlantis Rising,

who seems stuck but finally gets under way.

The running's being made by Future Proof,

followed by Henley's A Washout and Doodlebug Dreamer,

while Atlantis Rising brings up the rear.

As they head to the first fence,

Future Proof is pulling away from Henley's A Washout and Woggletok,

while the little fancied Atlantis Rising is some way back and out ofthe running.

Useless. He's way back!

They haven't let him fly yet. They haven't let him fly.

..between himself and the field.

Atlantis Rising struggling way back.

- Come on! - Come on!

..whip has had an immediate effect.

A sterling run from Atlantis Rising,

moving up through the field to join the front runners.

Almost neck and neck with Future Proof.

One more! One more!

Hit him harder!

Coming up to the second to last. They land neck and neck.

The favourite is pulling away again.

Future Proof has pulled away.

- Don't do that. - Come on. Come on.

Barring a miracle, it looks like the favourite has won this race.

He's down!

- Future Proof's down! - He's fallen,

leaving a clear run now forthe 50-1 outsider Atlantis Rising,

who has taken the spoils.

Yeah!

We did it, man! We did it!

We did it. We did it.

They're not gonna put that other horse to sleep, are they?

No. God, no, it's not the '60s. They don't do that any more.

Come on, why don't we grab a drink while they count our cash?

There we go.

Where's your luggage?

You're an idiot.

The book says there are 31 essentials you should always have about you.

Money belt, passport, tickets, camera,

bug spray, sun cream, flashlight, string,

waterproof matches, lighter, tripod,

life jacket, compass, maps, spare string,

sleeping bag, ground sheet, bivouac, jerry can,

first-aid kit, loo roll, spade, strong string,

camper stove, whistle, binoculars, sketch pad,

water pills, galoshes and a personal flare.

Hm.

- Got any string? - Yeah.

Got plenty, actually.

That's very funny. Very good.

Fancy a tinny? A going-away present from Captain Crab.

- That's nice. - When I say present...

- You nicked them. - I did.

No, I'll make one of my cocktails.

Not one ofthose things.

- I thought you said you liked them. - Yeah, but they take ages.

So?

By the time you've finished making that, I will already be drunk.

Care to make it interesting?

Yeah, fiver.

OK.

Hey, look.

We're moving.

Cheers.