Inside No. 9

You are listening to Symphonic FM.

Please sit back and...

And stop breathing.

It's just coming up to 14.15, which is quarter past two in old money,

and we've got some lovely, soothing Schubert coming up.

But first, with this week's gardening tips, here's...

Oh, bugger off!

We're not all one foot in the grave.

Hello?

Hello, can you hear me?

Sorry, I can't...

Can you put the phone to your mouth?

I can't quite hear.

Bloody hell!

Sorry about that. I was just coddling an egg.

Hello?

Elsie!

Hello, dear.

How are you?

No, no, sorry, my name's Arthur Flitwick.

You don't know me, but I found this phone, that I'm speaking to you on now,

in the churchyard at St Catherine's.

I've no idea who it belongs to, but yours was the last number dialled.

Oh, well, it belongs to Elsie Mitchell.

We sometimes partner each other at the Con Club Sunday social,

you know, with us both having lost our husbands.

But I've not heard from her in a while.

Well, is it possible you could let her know that I've got her phone

and I can arrange to get it back to her?

Absolutely.

I'll let her know right away.

She'll be ever so grateful, I'm sure.

Jolly good.

Well, she can reach me on treble four, four, two, four, four.

That's easy to remember!

It is, yes. Arthur Flitwick.

Well, nice talking to you and I hope to hear from Elsie in due course.

Thank you, dear. Bye then.

Yes, goodbye.

Hello?

Elsie, it's Moira O'Keefe!

Listen, I know you lost your mobile phone,

but I've just heard from a nice man who found it for you.

No, no, Moira.

His name's Arthur Flitwick and you can reach him on four, four, four...

Moira, this is Arthur.

You found her, did you?

No, I've got Elsie's mobile and that's the number you're calling me on now.

Oh, good heavens. What a fool I am!

Would you happen to have her landline at all?

No, I only have the one starting zero, seven.

That'll be the mobile, will it?

I'm afraid so, yes.

Well, there we go, mystery solved.

Except I want to be able to get this phone back to her.

Will I leave her a voicemail?

No, because then it'll come through to me.

Do you know if she has...

..other friends in the area?

No, but you could try the vicar at St Catherine's.

I believe they were...quite close.

Right, would you happen to have his name?

Reverend Neil.

Now, I'd better go.

My husband's just come in.

Oh, I thought you said your husband was...

That I was able to perform the service myself.

She's buried at St Catherine's, then?

She is.

And you'd be most welcome yourself, Mr Flitwick.

It would be a pleasure to see you any time.

In the cemetery?

No, no, in the church.

We're always on the lookout for...new blood.

I mustn't take up any more of your time.

If you could just let me have Elsie's telephone, I'll be on my way.

Yes, the thing is, reverend, after I spoke to you,

I was scrolling through some of Elsie's text messages.

Purely in an investigatory capacity, of course.

And I came across a message from her daughter.

Evangeline?

Yes.

She said she'd like to come and collect the phone herself,

if it's all the same to you?

Of course.

Dear Evangeline, she was always such a rock for her mother.

Do send her my fondest wishes.

And these...text messages you found...

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Hello?

Mr Flitwick, it's Moira O'Keefe again.

I hope I'm not interrupting your evening?

Not at all. No.

I'm just here with Reverend Neil, actually.

He was telling me how Elsie would clean at the church

and help with the brownies.

Ah, yes, that toilet in the vestry has a busted flush.

I've told the reverend to get a man in.

Yes.

The thing is, Moira, I have some rather upsetting...

I am very sorry, as you can hear, we are having a few problems with the sound

for this live edition of Inside No. Nine.

We hope to rectify that for you in just a few moments.

So stay with us here on BBC Two.

Well, I am really sorry, but we have a few gremlins in the studio

and we won't be able to continue with tonight's live episode

which will now be shown at a later date.

The good news is, we do have

a repeat from series one of Inside No. 9,

so please sit back and enjoy A Quiet Night In.

Well, that you can see,

we are continuing to have difficulties with Inside No. 9 tonight,

we are working on it.

As soon as I get any information about what is going on,

I will of course let you know.

As I was saying, as soon as we have identified the issue...

We will get something to air for you.

Hello?

Is someone there?

*Always look on the bright side of life...*

Oh, Bobby! Jesus, stop! Don't do a thing.

Don't do a thing.

All right.

- Did you find him? - Yeah.

Basically, he said if they can fix the sound,

there is a possibility we can go on at 11 o'clock tonight.

- Start again? - Yeah.

Pathetic.

But that would mean bumping the Ring.

- He's not sure if they are gonna be in place. - Fuck.

He does not say they are gonna fix it, so...

What a fucking...

Why didn't just cut to the repeat of the rehearsal one?

If there was a problem,

they said they would use the rehearsal one we filmed this afternoon.

But no one

No one knows anyway, does he? Who fucking cares?

It's not even Halloween.

Why do a Halloween special? By the way, can it actually be on Halloween night?

Maybe it can now, instead of fucking The Apprentice.

Where are they all now?

They have all gone upstairs for a meeting.

I knew this would happen. Makes me look stupid.

What are they saying on Twitter?

I can't, can I? God, there is no signal.

There is. There is Wi-Fi.

There isn't.

There is a cord next door.

No one told me.

Stephany showed me.

- Stephany showed you. - Yeah.

Can't believe Stephany Cole can get online and you can't.

I know.

She is a 77-year-old woman.

Adam said tha they are gonna repeat A Quiet Night In.

- What now? - Yes, on now.

- Do we get repeat fee? - Don't know actually. Good point.

Good. Something good has come out of it.

Do you think if we do it again like next year,

we should try and get someone else for Moira?

Instead of Stephanie Cole.

You know, like I said right from the start.

She cannot do it. The accent is...

- It's not. - It is.

It is the ending.

A, she does not understand it.

B, she is making it obvious...

You can't blame her for that. It's totally impenetrable.

- It's not. - It is.

It's not

- Defy any normal person... - It is a good ending.

Right.

I'm on Twitter.

Locking hundreds of messages.

Saying what?

What's going on on Inside No. 9, is this part of the twist?

Oh, do fuck off.

I bet everyone thinks we do it deliberately on the net.

Hello and welcome to Most Haunted.

This week I have landed us right in the middle of a great British institution.

This is certainly a different location, Coronation Street,

But the amazing thing is that there are so many reported sightings

of ghosts on this site, not only on the street here

but also actually in the studios.

There is one ethereal that comes to me almost immediately,

and it is a male figure.

He is an older male, he's not...

It's hard to age him.

I think maybe, maybe in his 50s.

He either died here of a heart attack,

or he died here of an accident, because it seems like he worked here.

How long ago we talking that this man was around?

It's not that long ago,

- Maybe, the figure I'm getting is only like ten years or so ago. - Right.

- And worked here. He worked here, you said? - Yeah.

It feels like he worked here.

- As a member of crew? - Yes, as a member of crew.

Hello?

No, this is Stefanie Cole.

No, I'm one of the cast members from Inside No Nine.