The Simpsons

You're watching The Simpsons.

You know your life sucks. Just get drunk like you always do.

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Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Bob's Burgers and Family Guy.

What is this, and how can I make the rest of my life about it?

Only on Fox.

Yeah, I know Ralphie's birthday is coming up.

Of course I'm gonna get him a present.

I'm at the... at the toy store right now.

Let's see, present for Ralph,

present for Ralph...

Ooh, what do we have here?

Boy, Ralph would kill himself with this in two seconds.

And somehow it'd be my fault.

Mm!

This money has been sitting here since 1998,

not doing anybody any good.

I want to get Ralphie something nice.

Yeah, a few thousand should do. Hm-mm.

Uh, you heard me whistling there, right?

That indicates innocence.

Uh, proclaiming your innocence indicates guilt.

Uh, yeah? Well, what does this mean?

Okay, so, at a Ralph party, always get to the cake before...

Too late.

That's the best damn treehouse I've ever seen!

Fine. I'll rub my eyes the other way.

D'oh!

Whee!

Whee...!

Whoa!

The September issue!

Whoo! Free wood!

: Oh... my treehouse sucks.

Haw-haw!

You have class envy!

Nelson, honey,

I told you to stop sayin' "haw-haw."

Give me a dollar and I'll stop.

I don't got a dollar.

Haw-haw!

Do you want to practice your speech on me?

No need, honey.

Same speech I give every year.

The opening joke about Lenny's grandma always kills.

You can't joke about her...

They just put her on life support.

What?! No! She's the linchpin!

It's okay, it's okay.

Everyone is terrified of public speaking.

But just in case, I'll defrost a failure ham.

You don't have faith in me! I have savers.

If I get heckled, I'll say, "Get a half-life!"

I'm sure that'll be funny to them.

Mm!

Calm down, Homer.

Just leave your body.

Oh, no!

What the hell is this?!

Ooh, throwing away your "No Girls" sign?

Is it time for you to have "the talk" with your dad?

Because he's gonna have to read a few things first.

No. I'm tearing it down.

Ralph has a cool treehouse, and mine sucks.

Well, Bart, your father built it,

and he did the very best he could.

I did my job. Now it's your turn, tree.

Get growing.

I'll tell you what, why don't I spruce it up for you. Huh?

But you're an inside grown-up.

Moms can't build treehouses.

You realize that saying that is gonna make this mom work her keister off

to make you the best darn treehouse you ever saw!

Sounds good.

Don't worry.

You forget, most of that's hair.

So I said,

"Get a half-life!"

Funny and handsome.

And I hear he's loaded.

Yes.

Now, to end this perfect day on the perfect note,

Mr. Homer Simpson.

You're gonna do great, Homer. You're gonna kill.

You're gonna... oh, where did all these people come from?!

Aah!

Uh, uh...

Webster's Dictionary defines... a speech

as a... series of words that...

elo... quently...

I've never seen anyone bomb like that.

Yeah. I really feel badly for the guy.

Boo! Boo!

I'm a failure.

Shall I release the hounds, sir?

Mm, the therapy hounds.

Oh, oh, I feel a little better.

Now release the real hounds.

It's a pretty good seminar this year.

Dad, what's wrong? Did your speech go badly?

How do you know something's wrong?

You're drinking from a can of corn.

Hmm? Eh.

Aw, Dad, do you know Barbra Streisand

once forgot the words to a song

and didn't perform in public again for nearly three decades?

Yeah, but she still had James Brolin to cuddle.

So, on a scale of ten to ten, how'd you do?

Um...

: What the hell is your problem, idiot!

I don't know!

I don't know!

I know what will cheer you up.

We'll go to the comedy club downtown.

Downtown? With all those desperate addicts?

Oh, the city cleaned them up and made them comics.

Cool!

Homie, you're gonna chuckle your blues away.

This is the best kind of comedy.

No writers. Amen to that, Marge.

And I appreciate this, but I really resent

the two-drink minimum!

You always drink more than two drinks.

But no one makes me.

Three Long Island iced teas, please.

Okay, we're gonna perform a little improv.

First we need a location.

Uh, 40.7 degrees north latitude,

74 degrees west longitude.

Ah, yes, New York City. Now we need a relationship

for me and Cathy here.

Loveless marriage!

Okay, I heard loveless marriage.

These guys are pros.

All they did was ask for two premises.

That's two more than you've asked for.

Oh, boy.

All right, all we need now is an object.

Anyone.

Fear of public speaking

Sorry, didn't hear that.

Oh... fear of public speaking.

Maybe he has trouble talking in the dark.

Hey, Jerry, bring up number seven.

No! Jerry, no!

Aah! No! Aah!

Jerry, stop it! No!

Don't... Aah!

Oh, no! Oh-ho-ho! Aah! Oh!

Okay, okay, okay, um... fear of public speaking.

Well, that's not really an object,

but we'll make it work.

New York City, loveless marriage,

fear of public speaking.

They've pulled back the bow... Now let the arrow take flight.

You know, I'm gonna move over a seat.

We now take you to an apartment

on 68th and Columbus Avenue.

Oh... eeh...

aah... aah... ooh...

What? What? Cathy, what's wrong?

I-I... I-I...

I... ah-ah-ah... ah...

Aw, for heaven's sakes, Cathy, when we got married,

you used to speak for hours.

But since we moved to New York City, nothing!

Wow. It all magically fits.

Come on, Cathy, say something! Anything!

Fuggedaboutit!

And scene!

I said "fear of public speaking."

Yes, you did. Very nice. Return to your seat immediately.

Wow. Wow. These guys do everything I can't.

Maybe they can teach me.

I don't know that they're interested in that.

$500 for the first eight classes.

That's kind of expensive.

Couldn't people just form their own groups for free?

And scene.

Uh, uh... excuse me, is this the, uh,

improv class?

Yes, and... come in.

Sit anywhere?

Yes, and... be quiet.

This is it.

I feel my mind exploding with premises.

So many ideas,

but how do I turn them into comedy?

Homer, could-could you stay with us, please?

I don't know how.

The secret is to lose yourself

and become, say, a suicidal auctioneer.

I could not possibly imagine what such a person would say.

Well, just remember, it's-it's not you.

Don't you get it? The secret to life

has been right in front of you all along:

Don't be yourself!

Uh, uh, okay.

What am I bid for this noose?

Do hear $100?