Katherine Ryan: Glitter Room

Hello!

Welcome. Thank you so much for sharing your evening with me.

What a thrill to be here

in what's left of America.

You've done an amazing job with it. Um...

My name is Katherine,

and for the last year or so,

I've been touring around the UK,

um, mostly making people very angry.

I'm not really sure what makes them so angry.

Uh, all that it is, I suppose,

is that I am a woman who is 35 years old,

and I don't have a boyfriend

and I don't want a boyfriend.

I love men, but I feel that men are like dolphins,

in that they should be enjoyed on holiday.

And they're very intelligent,

almost as smart as people.

It's...

But that doesn't mean you should have one in your house. Why would you...

What a disaster that would be. What do they even eat?

And a large number of them turn out to be sexual predators as well.

Hashtag #notalldolphins, but many dolphins.

They are the chimpanzees of the sea.

I feel that men are nature's gun.

You know, you're statistically most likely to be killed by the one in your house.

That's the bit they get mad about. That's...

That's probably it.

"Well, Katherine, no,

statistically, men are most likely to be victims of homicide."

True. Who's killing them?

Ghosts? It's not us.

Women don't have time to kill men.

First of all, we wish you no specific harm.

And also, we're very busy.

When women do, unfortunately, commit murder, it's, like, a big deal.

They get a whole sit-down interview with Piers Morgan.

And if that's not dangling a carrot, like...

Come on ladies, one more time.

Uh, there's been some feedback, and I enjoy taking it on board.

They say, um... "Katherine, you need to work harder

on making your show a safe space for men."

Um...

There've been a lot of suggestions on how to do it.

So, number one,

if men are uncomfortable, just have sandwiches ready

to deliver to them.

Uh, that should help. Oh!

Someone said perhaps I should do the entire show as their mother.

But that's a lot of admin, and I don't have time for...

Someone said, "Maybe build a set like an entire kitchen,

and then you'd be performing in a familiar environment."

But I just think they should grow a dick instead.

But... Yeah.

As I have done. Um...

'Cause comedy is a completely safe space for men.

Men have a lot of safe spaces, like the Senate and the world and...

comedy.

Um, I get it, I'm a woman

who has ideas and opinions and I say those out loud on a stage.

People are like...

"Why doesn't she just sing a song?"

I don't know, but I can't tell you how much stand-up comedy

I have had to listen to in my career where men are like,

"If I'm fuckin' a hooker and she comes, I'm askin' for my money back."

It's like...

is she gonna give you pretend money back?

Like, "Seven, eight..." 'cause she didn't come.

Um...

Here you go,

and your change.

Um...

I'm just not good at dating.

I tried it on for a little while.

And for everyone's better life,

I've taken myself out of the game,

and then loads of people in my life want me to get back into the game.

Why? Why do I have to be like you?

If I were this bad at anything else...

If I were a surgeon who managed to kill every patient...

and burn down the palliative care unit...

pretty sure my friends and family would not be like,

"Katherine, when are you gonna get back in the emergency room, girl?

Just one more try."

I'm not gonna be single forever.

I think the ladies will agree with me,

35, far too young to settle down

and have a man in your house.

Far too young.

Dangerously young.

You don't think so, sir?

You look... Oh, oh, oh. You're just pointing at a nearby woman.

"Talk to her."

Have I made you uncomfortable already? My goodness.

I don't have any sandwiches on me. Perhaps if I speak to you from my knees.

Sir.

What more can I do?

Um, does he belong to you?

- That's wonderful news. What's your name? - Michelle.

- Michelle? And what's your name, sir? - Joseph.

Joseph? Well done. Um...

It's okay.

- Do you keep this man in your house? - I do.

You do? Oh, my goodness. For how long?

Almost six years.

Six years in the house, Joseph! And what do you do in there?

I clean the kitchen.

You clean the kitchen.

That's very good. What else do you get up to in the house?

- Video games. - Video games.

- You do what? - Video games.

- Video games. You look... You're allowed. - Yeah!

He's just shamefully withdrawn, like...

"I play video games."

"I wank into a mirror."

You're allowed to do all those things, Joseph, okay.

Um, do you... do you work?

- Are you a stay-at-home husband? - Yes. I work.

No, you work, good.

And how long are you out of the house for?

- How many hours do you get away? - Oh, gosh. At least seven.

Seven hours, okay.

Oh, I could maybe live with that one day.

- So you get some exercise and come back. - Yes.

What do you do together?

Is he sexually adventurous?

- That's for you. - Oh God, I...

- No? - I don't...

- Not after six years, Joseph. - Less lately.

No one's expecting a miracle. You're all right.

- Okay, but you're an asset to the house? - Yeah.

- Great, and you get along? - Yes.

- Yes. Sometimes. - Absolutely wonderful.

Even though you're clearly far too young to have a man in your house.

- How old are you? Do you mind if I ask? - 35.

35! Exactly.

Golden age.

Listen, I'm glad that it's working out for you,

because I have considered allowing a man like you, Joseph, into my...

house and... et cetera, but...

Um...

I just feel like, right now, it's best if I stay single

until I am the age that Céline Dion is now.

- Yeah, do you know Céline Dion, Joseph? - Not personally.

- Oh, she... - She loves her.

Yeah! You love her, I love her.

Who doesn't love Céline Dion?

Céline Dion

is an entire OJ Simpson prison sentence and a half older than I am.

See?

And there's not a person here who wouldn't fuck Céline Dion.

You grow in value.

Céline Dion is a freak in the streets and a freak in the sheets.

You can be both at that age.

Céline Dion is the face of Dior.

Céline Dion is living her best life.

She has released albums in Japanese, Mandarin Chinese,

Latin, German, Spanish, Italian, French, English...

The current president of the world's largest economy

cannot even speak one of those languages.

Céline Dion is kicking it in the dick.

Why?

Why? Because her husband is dead.

He's dead.

He's dead!

Bye-bye, René. Au revoir, monsieur.

He's dead. And don't get it twisted.

It's not that I think the only good husbands are dead ones.

It's that I know Céline Dion's husband met her when he was 38 years old

and she was, does anybody know?

- 12. - Yes, you people know.

She was 12.

She was 12,

and the whole world collectively decided to let that one slide.

They're like, "Bah, I don't know, Céline Dion, she knew what she was doing."

Now, I do have to say,

he met her when he was 38

and she was 12, and they worked together.

He was her manager.

Just, you know, in charge of her day-to-day affairs, like a father figure.

And nothing sexual happened between them until the magical evening

of her 18th birthday when they fell in love.

That's the legal bit for Netflix.

Uh...

So I don't really know who the true victim is there.

I kind of feel like it's R Kelly, somehow. It's...

It is him.

Poor R Kelly.

He's over here trapped in the closet, looking at this relationship like, "What?

I would've been so much less creepy if I grew up in Marseille! Why?"

Life's not fair, that's why.

But just currently, I don't know, I'm having an amazing time.

I have a beautiful daughter...

uh, who's British.

And I really recommend having an English child.

It's like having a tiny, ineffective butler at home.

Aw, she's got me feeling like the Fresh Prince all day.

"I'm ever so sorry, Mummy.

I appear to have mashed Nutella into the carpet again."

I'm like, "You did. You are the shittiest butler in the world.