Slap Her... She's French

We're all capable in doing bad things.

Now l've done my share.

Things l'm truly ashamed of.

But should men laugh?

So young and full of sweet promise be tragically cut down forever

had a chance to shunt?

lf l ever get out of here, as god as my witness,

somebody has got to pay.

Or as the great German philosopher Red Nirch once said,

That what does not kill us, is gonna witch its head

'cause we're about to FedEx its sorry ass

back to where it came from.

Or something like that.

My daddy always says everything is bigger here in Texas.

Even the sky.

l don't know how true that is

since l've never been over the state land.

l do know the state has produced lots of famous people.

John Wayne is from Texas.

Also President Arson Howard Johnson, Bush and Bush.

And Richard, who is a democrat.

But a really cool person,

the Mary Kay of May Kay Cosmetics.

And, one day soon...

...me.

l decided at age 3 l was gonna join the illustrious Texans,

no matter what it took.

l was gonna be a TV star.

l know what you're thinking,

why would some supremely smart girl like me

wanna just be a TV star?

The answer, Good Morning America.

What can be more satisfying and rewarding than

knowing that every morning, it's you who wakes up

this great American nation with a smile?

l never doubt that l'd make it

if I follow the path to the top footstep by footstep.

And tonight is the very crucial footstep.

Starla! We don't want to be late, darling.

l'm ready.

That's my growing-up little girl.

Oh, daddy, please.

Enjoy while you can, cupcake.

Before time and gravity do their work.

You just look beautiful, darling.

Doesn't she just look beautiful, Randolph?

Looks like a drag queen.

- Shut up. - Hush.

What do you know about drag queens? Get out of here.

Starla, have you decided or not?

It is an honor to be selected as a house family.

Mommy, you've been bugging me about this for months now.

Why do l want some more friends stuck here around for?

Honey, in her letters, that girl just sound so sweet.

And she wants to come here so badly.

Mommy always thinks about you, honey.

You know you can't afford to fail it.

l know. l just don't have time to entertain some boner.

And besides, we pull those ungrateful French butts out of two world wars.

isn't that enough?

Starla, l want you to remember,

it's no shame not winning in beauty patent.

It's not a beauty pageant.

It's a celebration of all the modern women.

Charm, class and sophistication.

It's the little thing she does. That's why she wins.

Look at her eyebrows when she sings Beef. Here it comes.

Beef. See it?

Women aren't meat! Women aren't meat!

That meat thing Doreen had on

was so disgusting and almost blew charms.

How can she take something so...

admirable and positive

and turn it into something so ugly and ridiculous?

And just think of all those people who went hungry

so Doreen Gilmore could be different.

Vegetarian.

l mean, l'm all for it.

But she needs to pick something with a little broader appeal.

What?

l don't like this Japanese music.

It's Mozart.

No, smarty. Mozart played the piano.

Hey, baby.

Kyle, you know you're not supposed to be in here.

Oh, no one care. Are you, ladies?

No.

l just came by to wish my best baby luck.

Oh, thank you.

But l won't need it.

All that left is just interview portion,

and there's no way l could lose.

No matter what they ask, l'm gonna bring up the god.

Excellent.

Then you and me can do some celebrate.

All right, ladies.

Lighten up.

Ashley, Tanner,

you're my best friends in the world.

And l don't care who wins, just as long as it's one of us.

Starla...

Tanner, you can barely see those bags under your eyes.

If the lighting is right, maybe the judges won't either.

They'll be too busy taking that on when Ashley do pop-up on the dress.

Good luck.

Bye.

And next, the very first Miss Splendona Beef,

former cowboys' cheerleader and pageant coordinator,

Miss Kimmy Sue Sprinkle.

Thank you.

And our three finalists.

I'll ask each finalist one question,

beginning with Tanner Jennings.

Tanner, what is your advice to today's teenagers

who feel pressured by alcoholics and drugs?

Well, l think today has a lot of hard...

...drinking...

Thinking to do about consequences.

To quote a former first lady, a wife and a real mother,

just said blow... No! No!

Our next question is for our finalist number two, Ashley Lopez.

Ashley, do you think it's possible for a woman to have a career

and still be a good homemaker and giver?

l think anything is possible as long as you have faith in the Lord.

l love you, Jesus!

What a tramp! She used my God quote!

And finally, our final finalist,

a fine young lady,

Starla Grady.

Starla, if you have to put some of your personal philosophy

in one word, what would it be?

Community.

This world would be better off

if we can spend so much time on our knees,

worshipping at the altar of self.

Now l admit l have enjoyed enormous success as an individual.

Yes, l was the junior intent

for the Texas state legislate last two summers in a row.

Of course my appearance bother me most

wind up in people magazines.

But all of these mean nothing...

if I'm not servicing my community.

And gosh, l'm so proud. l want the whole world to know

what a very special community we live in.

And so, in the spirit of global- warming, my family, the Arnie Grady,

have decided to host Splendona's first ever,

all the way from Paris, France,

four exchange students.

Well, she locks this one up.

Gosh, l wonder whether she'd be love.

l'm sure she'll just be darling.

Oh, my gosh, here they come.

l'm so excited.

Hello, l'm Genevieve.

Bonjour.

In order of your visit,

we learn a little French culture.

Arnie, would you like to start?

Start what? Oh, right.

That's not the word we agreed to pond.

If that is some kind of French profanity, Randolph Grady, l swear...

It means bottom onto death.

Well, then... that's okay.

Everybody, wave to the camera now.

Smile, everybody.

There she is!

All right, that's enough.

It's huge, like a castle.

Just so huge!

Wait till you see what's inside.

Surprise!

Isn't she great?

Hi, how are you?

Good to see you, thank you for coming.

Isn't she just adorable?

Starla, you have so many friends.

It's a blessings. But trends come in responsibility.

Hi, how are you? Good to see you.

Come on, let's drop your stuffs. Randolph, get the luggage.

l'm so bored.

Maybe we can find whatever it is Mrs. Grady sucking down like a bitch.

Genevieve, these are my two best friends,

Ashley Lopez and Tanner Jennings.

Hello.

So, this is our French visitor.

Muai. That means yeah.

It's what hip people in French say.

Do you speak American?

She's French, Tanner, not a deaf.

Bon cigar?

No, l do not smoke.

l thought you all Europeans smoke like chimneys.

For a time, l did.

But it took away my appetite,

and made me drop the weight like flies.

And?

See you.

Those two are real sweet, but they are big sluts.

Starla.

Hey, stud.