Malcolm in the Middle

Good night, honey.

Good night.

Oh, honey, please not tonight.

It's freezing.

What do you think?

More salt? More cilantro? A little zing of Tabasco?

It's perfect.

I can't taste anymore.

Okay, dips...

creamy, salsa, crab and compote.

Chips...

potato, corn, blue corn, sour cream and onion,

salt and vinegar, kettle, and baked.

How much did this table cost?

Is this why I didn't get a birthday present?

Hey, this is my first time hosting the poker game,

and I want everything perfect when my friends come over.

Or at least better than their stuff.

Ooh, I almost forgot.

Do you know Brian's daughter, Chandra?

Of course. Yeah.

Well, Brian's bringing her over tonight,

and I think she's bringing a friend.

Kristen?

Uh, yeah, something.

But Brian is playing poker.

So I need you two to entertain them, understand?

Uh-huh. Now, I mean it, guys.

I don't want you bothering us.

I want you and those girls in your room all night

with the door closed.

Got it?

There's your birthday present.

Who's Chandra?

She's no one to you. Understood?

If you set one foot in our room tonight,

you are dead.

Where am I supposed to go?

I don't care.

But if I see you tonight,

I will Charlie-horse every muscle in your body.

But... It disturbs me

how much I enjoyed that.

Don't make me do it again.

Hi, honey. Hello.

You're working late tonight, right?

Yeah, 10:30 at least.

Okay, good. Something came up.

I've got to have dinner with someone.

Who? No one.

I mean, it's just

some old business I have to take care of

and I don't really want to talk about it now, okay?

Well, can I help?

No, it's fine.

I promise, I'll tell you everything when you get home.

Okay. Thanks.

Don't worry. He'll be gone by the time you get back.

Did you catch that "he" part?

Hi, Hal.

Hey, Brian, how are you?

They're here.

Get out.

Boys,

I know you know Brian

and I think you kids know each other.

Yeah. Yeah. No. No.

Anyway, we're going to leave you kids to entertain yourselves.

Yes, your father and I

have to conduct some business.

It seems that he has some of my money in his wallet.

Bring it on. All right.

May I take your wrap?

Listen, just 'cause my dad dragged us to this dump

doesn't mean we have to talk to you.

Just show us where we can sit

where we won't catch fleas.

I'm gonna go see what Dewey's doing.

Hey.

: Oh, you're Stevie,

right?

Can we help you in?

I'm not...

deaf.

Did you hear him breathe?

Aw...

All right, did you hear the one

about the astronaut and the hooker?

Yeah.

I didn't get it.

Dewey, I told you to stay in your room. But Reese said...

No, Dewey, this is man time.

You can't be here.

How's the dip?

Hey, Hal, this is

a sweet table.

What is it, a 52-incher?

Yes, sirree.

Nice. I got the 54. Yeah, but

you don't have the built-in drink holders like I do.

Or the extra-padded leather around the edges like mine.

You can play all night

and not feel it in your wrists the next day.

Oh, but this is nice, too, Hal. Sweet.

Sweet. (Men laughing)

Hoe do you live your life with only three keys?

I've got five. I've got nine. I got seven.

Guys, guys, guys, do we have to do this every week?

You're right.

So, uh, how's the kids?

You're just asking about his kids

so you can talk about yours.

Hey, why shouldn't I?

Did I tell you that James was made

captain of the wrestling team?

Stevie just wrote a brand-new anti virus program.

My daughter's essay scored her a trip to the White House.

Malcolm has an IQ of 165.

We know.

You've been using that for six months.

Would you like something

from the kitchen?

No...

thank you.

He doesn't want anything.

You think they'll offer to change his diapers?

I can't believe Stevie's putting up with this.

Maybe we should get him a blanket. You know what?

I'll take care of it. Would you like a blanket?

Girls, let me explain

something to you about Stevie.

He's no different than the rest of us.

He plays video games.

He does chores around the house.

He goes to the movies with friends.

He leads a completely normal life.

Which makes it even sadder

that he only has two months to live.

What? What?

Stevie, they have a right to know.

Oh, my God.

Is it true?

I've been told...

I'm very brave.

Oh.

129.

That didn't beat Malik.

So, Malik wins

the breath-holding.

Abe got the most dip on a chip.

Trey has the longest neck.

Steve has the highest socks,

and Hal, well,

Hal has nothing so far.

Yeah, the doctors are baffled.

Stevie's brain is growing too big for his head.

It's pressing up against his skull.

They say he only has two months before it explodes.

It's called...

encephalo...

neuryop...

a lit is.

How horrible. Oh, God.

What do you think you're doing?

Helping Stevie.

It's okay.

It's weird, but it feels good helping people.

I like being the hero.

You're pimping a fatal disease to take advantage of a girl.

For good.

Stevie, this is so unfair.

I have...

no regrets.

Well...

one.

"Old business." What do you think that means? I don't know.

You think it's an old boyfriend or something?

You know, I have no idea what it is.

Sometimes those old

relationships can really get a hold on you.

Hey, what's up with her ex-husband?

He's still in jail.

Didn't his parole hearing just come up?

I don't know. Maybe.

Look, she'll tell me about it tonight.

Whatever it is.

Man, I really admire your maturity. Thank you.

I'm the complete opposite.

I over analyze everything.

Like how Piama didn't kiss you good-bye.

I'd be totally fixated on that.

Or her ex-husband being locked up without a woman

for five years.

That's what's wrong with me.

One suspicious conversation

and immediately I'm picturing

sweaty bodies rolling around