Traffic Light

Guys, guess who I just got a call from?

A little blast from the past.

Oh wait was it Kara Richardson from freshman year?

She's the one I was telling you about...

Oh my God, thank God for co-ed bathrooms am I right?

No it wasn't a her, it was Charlie.

Yeah, I don't know a Charlie. Do you think Kara lives in town? I should call her.

- You should totally call her. - Right.

You guys, you both know Charlie macauley, my little brother

from the little brother - big brother program.

You know, stay on topic.

Do you think Kara's single?

Guys, look, I just want to brag

a little bit here. My little brother

turned out great.

He wrote a book, and it's getting published.

Wow, so he is a success in spite of your guidance.

No, because of it.

I spent every Sunday with that kid for three years.

I can't wait to get home and tell Tommy.

That little guy has got

my guidance and my genes.

There's nothing he can't do.

Your genes.

That explains why Tommy's always eating crayons.

Hey, you know what?

That was one time, and it was

because Lisa bought those stupid scented ones.

Hey, what is that wind? What am I hearing?

Oh, sorry, that's me. I took Callie's car.

I got the oil changed and then I filled it up with gas.

Now I'm about to pick up her dry cleaning.

No, it's not sweet. Oh, that's sweet.

That is foreplay, straight out of my handbook.

Every Sunday...

I bring home a little frozen yogurt

so that later Lisa and I can start the week off right.

Yeah, and once sex with you is off her list,

she knows her week can only get better.

Oh...

No, that's not why I'm doing this.

You know, Callie can be sort of a free spirit sometimes,

so I like to just take charge and get things done.

You know, last time I picked up her dry cleaning,

they found a shirt that she had left here two years ago.

Classic.

Yeah, I know.

Classic Callie move.

No, you know, half the time she doesn't even know

I'm doing this stuff. I'm like a phantom,

fixing... nay, preventing problems before they start,

a silent hero if you will.

Uh, like a mute superman.

Those are not my words, but I am pretty amazing and...

I, um, got to call you back.

What, what's going on?

Call you back.

so you left it running,

keys in the ignition, and the car unlocked?

I know, I am so sorry, but in my defense,

it wouldn't have made much sense for me

to lock the car with the keys inside.

That would just be foolish, right?

Well, I would still have a car.

Yeah.

Hey, babe,

I got some fro-yo.

What do you say we bust it out,

see where the night takes us?

That's very sweet,

but I already had yogurt with the girls this afternoon.

What?

What do you mean, you had yogurt with the girls?

That's our thing.

Hey, hey.

Oh, my God, Mike, look who's here.

Big brother.

Wow.

Charlie, look at you.

You're all grown up.

I know. You got a mustache.

Yeah, don't think you're all tough

'cause you can kind of grow facial hair now.

I didn't think we were gonna see you till Saturday.

Well, I can only stay for a sec.

I just came by because I couldn't wait

to give you this.

His new book. Your new book.

My new book,

I know, I know.

It's an advance copy;

They're still figuring out the artwork.

Oh, we are totally going to celebrate on Saturday.

Yes, and I'm buying because... let's be honest...

I owe you a lot.

Oh, come on, you don't have... I mean, you can if you want to.

Just make sure you can cover it 'cause this one likes to drink.

I do not like to dri...

okay, we got a sitter, I like to drink.

Okay, cool, I'm in. Saturday, okay?

Yes. Oh, bye, sweetie.

Thank you.

Bye. Wow.

It's so heavy.

It's got to be good.

Unbelievable.

What?

The dedication.

Oh, that's so sweet.

He dedicated it to you?

No, he didn't.

"To Lisa Reilly, thanks for everything"?

Oh, he dedicated it to me.

Wow... that is so sweet.

That is so sweet.

Oh...

So that's pretty wild

about Charlie dedicating the book to me, huh?

Yeah, it's crazy.

I mean, I like

to think that I helped, but...

I never had a book dedicated to me before.

Yeah, who has?

Oh... you're upset about the dedication, aren't you?

What, upset? Why do you think I'm upset? Well...

For starters, when you're upset,

you start saying everything in the form of a question.

Who says I do that? You think I do that?

Yes, Mike, I do, and I know you.

If people don't give you the credit

that you feel you deserve,

you get frustrated. I do?

When, what are you talking about?

Let's start with the block tower.

Oh...

Tommy built a tower.

Uh, actually,

you know, it was more my idea and I built most of it.

Oh, well, good for you, Michael, you built a tower.

Yes, I did.

Well, Tommy helped out a little bit.

Oh, well, that's very nice of you.

I loved that car.

It was spunky, petite, it had attitude.

Oh, my God, it was me but a car.

Sweetie, I'm sorry.

I called the police and they assured me

that they have their best people on it.

Feels good to have her back, doesn't it?

Some of her.

So I've been meaning to ask: Getting your girlfriend's car stolen...

did you get sex for that?

I did not, but on the plus side,

Callie's insurance check is coming in.

So you know what I'm gonna do?

I am gonna surprise Callie and buy her a brand-new car.

That's right, life gave me lemons, I'm making lemonade.

I wish I knew why he dedicated the book to her and not me.

Yeah, maybe Charlie thinks she's hot.

Look, I have a flawless radar of who thinks my wife is hot,

and that is not what this is about.

Are we gonna go get food or not?

'Cause I got to go buy Callie a car.

What, you don't even know what she wants.

She designed her dream car on a web site last night.

I checked her history this morning.

She didn't clear history?

You know what? I don't think that women do that.

What? Yeah, they don't need to.

If we knew they were looking up porn, we'd be thrilled.

Yeah, I'll tell you what turns Callie on...

Toyota Prius, Barcelona red.

I got to get a great deal on this car.

Yeah, well, that's not going to happen.

You're like every salesman's wet dream.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here, Mike, and say that

I am no man's wet dream.

Oh, that is where you're wrong.

Mm-hmm.

So... this is used?

No, it's refurbished.

Kind of sounds used. It's just less new.

You know, I like you; I'll throw in headphones.

For free?

All you need is to buy the extended warranty.

How do you stay in business?

Wonderful customers like you.

You cannot go by yourself.

You need your friend, who is the king of negotiating,

to go with you and get this done.

Thank you for the kind words, Ethan.

I'm sorry, can I get another coffee, please?

When do you want me to go?

You?

He doesn't want your help; He wants mine.

I'm a lawyer; I get paid to screw people.

What are your qualifications? Well, Michael,

I like people and people like me

because people like people who like people.

I'm a people person.