Jim Norton: Monster Rain

Thank you!

Aw, thank you very much.

Thank you, guys. Man, that was nice.

Thank you so much for coming here tonight.

Thank you all for risking your lives and coming to

this neighborhood.

Jesus Christ!

If I do another special, maybe I can get

a theatre in fallujah.

It's so nice. I had a great thing happen this week.

I was out with my girlfriend's family... who I did

not want to be out with... and I found a wonderful way to end

the evening early.

When it gets really quiet at the table, you just blurt out

"boy, I sure would love to fuck that Dakota fanning!"

But don't be creepy about it.

After you say it, just make this face.

I got a text from my girlfriend.

I did not bring her with me.

She's back at my apartment in New York, and as I'm coming

tonight for the gig, she sends me a text that says,

"you know, you're out of toilet paper."

And I'm thinking, "all right. Did she happen to notice,

or is there a situation?"

And I don't want to think about that.

You never want to think about your girlfriend, you know,

beading up sweat on her forehead, turtling.

So I ignore it.

A minute later, I get another text...

"what am I supposed to do?"

I don't know. A handstand in the shower.

Jesus Christ! What do you want me to tell you?

Grab a sock, learn to improv already.

You're 15 years old!

And I got to be honest, man, I like having a girlfriend!

I was single for so long... 5 years... and I like being

in a relationship,

and there's little weird things to get used to.

Like after sex, as we're laying there, I have to keep

repeating to myself, "do not hand her cash.

Do not hand her cash."

Which is still a nice improvement over last year,

when it was, "ignore the Adam's apple.

Ignore the Adam's apple."

We've all made that mistake, haven't we?

Ha ha ha!

You're receiving an amazing blow job.

All of a sudden, you're like, "wow! That's a wide back

for a gal."

Well, now you're at a crossroads because this is

technically a homosexual act.

Yet on the other hand, this fella sure knows

his business.

What do you do?

I mean, instinctively, you understand

there's a no refund policy, so I tend to just laugh

good-naturedly at myself and then blast a load

right in his face.

And ever since this relationship has been

happening, I've been trying to, like, fix up my place

a little bit because my apartment right now is

very male-orientated.

It's geared for me.

Like, all I have is, like, signed black sabbath shit

on the walls, like, photos of me and ozzy and me and kiss.

It's like my girlfriend comes over, and she feels like she's

dating a 12-year-old retard.

But I don't know what to buy that she would like.

I'm an idiot. I don't know what women want.

I would just hand up giant photos of dicks.

"You like that, you size queen?"

So I enlisted the help of my gay friend because gay people

have so much of a better vibe for a woman's sensibility than

straight men do, but gay people are very arrogant.

Like, I took my friend, furniture shopping, and he's

a gay comic, and I found this sofa that I love,

so I call him over. I'm like, "what do you think?"

And he's so condescending.

He runs his hand over the back, and he's like, "eeeechhh!

You idiot, the material's too rough."

Then I realize we had different priorities

when sofa shopping.

When I'm buying one, I don't have to wonder what it's going

to feel like mushed into my face for an hour at a time.

To feel like mushed into my face for an hour at a time.

He has to worry about that...

Because he has narcolepsy.

He tends to doze off while he's getting poked

in the shitter.

But I'm not homophobic, I guess, because I've been

such a pervert for so long.

Like, I've been sexually active since I was in second

grade, and, you know, growing up I didn't give a shit.

I played monster rain when I was a kid, which I told...

I did tell that story on the radio,

and it was a fun little game.

Miss, you look a little confused.

Are you not familiar with it?

You never heard of monster rain?

It's the most adorable thing!

And it's true, too.

When I was very young, my little friend and I would

walk along, and one of us would yell, "monster rain!"

And then to get away from the monster rain, we'd hide under

a porch and blow each other.

A porch and blow each other.

That's how we escaped the monster rain.

In hindsight, an umbrella would have been more prudent.

And it wasn't about being gay, though.

It was just about feeling somebody's mouth on your dick,

and the key...

Again, second grade.

It was about getting your friend to go first because,

like, the key...

Because there's no subtlety when you're that young.

Like, if my friend would blow me and then go "my turn!"

You know, I'd be like, "I got to go eat lunch!"

And leave him under the porch with his shame

and dick breath.

Then I'd rat him out to the whole neighborhood.

"He's a queerbait.

He licked my dingle."

But I think gay men are fascinating, though, because I

heard they do this thing called "docking."

All right. A couple people have heard of this.

Docking supposedly is when two guys will stand face to face

and put their dick heads together, and one of the guys

has to be uncircumcised...

Ha ha ha!

And the uncircumcised guy peels his foreskin over the

head of the other guy's penis, and that's where I bailed out

of the conversation.

But I am so mad at myself.

I really wish I had stuck with it because I'm dying to know

what happens next? What do you do?

Do you say anything to each other, or do you just look

at each other and laugh hysterically?

I'm actually jealous.

That's the coolest thing I've ever heard of that gay guys

can refuel in mid air.

And I did my first midwestern gigs... I was in Kansas City

actually at the same time that that, hurricane, torna...

What was it?

Tornado... whatever, whatever.

Hillbilly mover.

Merciful wind from a knowledgeable god.

And I spent some time down south.

I went to Dallas, which was really cool.

When I was down there, I went to see where jfk was shot

at dealey Plaza.

Has anybody made the trip, made that pilgrimage

down there?

It's kind of awe inspiring, right?

It's, it's smaller than I thought it would be.

And the only difference between that day and today is

the stemmons freeway sign, which he disappeared behind,

has been taken away, and where he took the third and final

shot, a big white "x" has been painted in the street so you

know exactly where it happened.

Um, at least I hope that was put there after

the assassination because...

If that was there the day of, that's sloppy police work.

"Oswald didn't act alone.

He had a puerto rican kid with him."

But there's an "x," and what people will do is when traffic

is stopped up at the light, they run out into the street,

they stand on the "x," and they get their photos

taken, and you're watching this like, "you voyeuristic,

morbid piece of shit."

Until it's your turn to have your photo taken.

You try to look dignified.

I didn't care. I fucked around.

I didn't care. I fucked around.

I even did a little Jackie.

But after I came off the "x," this annoying, awful couple

was behind me, and they had been snipping at each other

the whole time, and so the awful woman runs out,

and she's standing there, and she's just yelling at her

stupid husband, and this nervous fruit is trying to

operate his camera, and a car is headed towards her, and she

doesn't see it, so I go, "let it happen."

I saw the greatest story of my life about to unfold,

and stupid, pussy-whipped husband warned her, and as he

warned her, you could see him regretting it because he's

like, "get out of the way!"

But in his face he was like,

"why the fuck am I saying this?"

How funny would that have been?

Two people in history killed on that spot...

Jfk and that bitch.

And I actually lived out in Los Angeles for a little while

when I was out there shooting "lucky Louie."

I thank those of you that supported "lucky Louie."

Despite my fucking muggy acting.

"Where are you, Lou?"

Jesus Christ.

And I think we deserved season two.

Unfortunately, we got cancelled, but that happens.

Um, what bothers more is not the fact that we got cancelled.

It's the fact that we got cancelled and you can still