A Fool's World (Mondo Balordo)

- In my career of nearly four decades

in motion pictures, I've played every monstrous role

it was possible for writers to create.

But as you will see in the exciting film to follow

nothing invented by the human mind

can be as macabre, grotesque, and thrilling

as the behavior of people in so called real life.

Now this fella's name is Franz Drago,

he's 27 inches tall and weighs 130 pounds.

His father was Spanish and his mother was Sicilian.

They were in Tokyo when Franz was born

and as Japan is the land of miniatures,

you can see what pre-natal influence did to Franz.

Franz Drago is terrific in his specialty

of imitating internationally famous popular singers

but he has to hide his great talent

under the 27 inch bushel of his body

because the public is more entertained

by Franz Drago's dimensions than by his imitations.

Atlas was a strong man and he was reincarnated

as a book of maps.

Ajax was a powerhouse and he came back as a detergent.

But Hercules, mightiest of all strongmen,

has dozens of reincarnations.

All of them working in historical, Biblical, colossal films.

Performing superhuman exploits against the bad guys.

Stop...

- But the real heroes are the studio laborers

who, at the end of each scene,

have to carry away on their shoulders, without effort,

uprooted columns, mountains that have been split in two

and the remains of erect temples.

One, two.

- For generations, English ladies

have disdained to compete with foreign beauties

in putting up a front but if Mr. Paddy Hoose

is to have his way, they will soon come up from behind.

Mr. Hoose's method combines physical and vocal gymnastics

which help develop the figure divine

by giving new lymph and youth

to bosoms that were limp and old.

One, two, three, four, five.

Bedouins, the once fierce warriors of the Sahara desert,

are now accenting the first syllable of their tribal name,

B-E-D, bed.

To interested tourists,

who watch the ancient tribal entertainments

and wandering carnivals,

they offer something more than a simple variety show.

For a price, mister tourist follows the manager Bedouin

into the tent of the owner Bedouin

to make contact with the call girl Bedouin.

Faithful to long established principles,

the Bedouins have given up their flocks of sheep

for flocks of girls.

For them, it's better to live but briefly in this trade

than a hundred years of herding sheep.

As you can easily see, sometimes the culture

of America achieves brilliant results

by following the most astonishing paths.

- Good evening, I am very happy to express to you

in the name of the organizing committee,

warm thanks for accepting our demand.

Your presences here, though numerous and compact,

testifies how sensible you are

to the universal problems of culture and art.

As you already know, our contribution

will serve a great cause,

the safety of the more ancient and important ruins

of a remote civilization which are threatened

by the exigencies of our modern life.

Ladies and gentlemen, in the name of and on behalf

of the American Committee for the the Safety

of the Luxor Valley Monuments,

I open the curtain on the showing organized by this town.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, Miss Virginia,

Miss North Carolina, Miss South Carolina,

Miss Louisiana, Miss Oregon, Miss California,

Miss Utah, Miss Colorado, Miss Oklahoma,

Miss Arizona and Miss New York.

- The eminent and artistic sense

completes the beauty prizes, swings along the runway,

and gets inside the girl's sweaters.

Contrary to the Europeans, the Americans make use

of outstanding beauties as a pretext

to get at artistic and cultural results

while Europeans, in cases only apparently similar,

make use of artistic and cultural pretexts

to get at the outstanding beauties

or naturally any references to persons

or movie producers is purely coincident.

Miss California, 38.

Miss Utah, 36.

Miss Colorado, 36.

Miss Oklahoma, 34.

Miss Arizona, 36.

Miss New York, 36.

Miss Oregon, 36.

Miss Louisiana, 34.

Miss South Carolina, 34.

Miss North Carolina, 36.

- With the selection of the beauty queen,

the picturesque competition comes to an end.

The money raised by these girls, in well filled sweaters,

will help to preserve the pyramids of ancient Egypt.

Money thus flows from the temples of luxury in Las Vegas

to the temples of Luxor in Egypt.

All beauty contests, whether ennobled by cultural intentions

or not, generally have one common characteristic.

They start a great many of their winners

on the road to careers in the lively arts.

Like this Asiatic girl, for instance,