Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I'm here! I'm here, I'm here.

You can start the meeting now.

The meeting is over. You're late.

You missed roll call and the tutorial

on using the new copiers.

Six years, and no matter how hard I try,

I still can't get you to understand the importance of being punctual.

Maybe you should just give up and accept me for who I am?

No, I will break you.

- Right now. - Oh.

While you were out being tardy,

I was hard at work devising a special punishment.

I've crafted an intricate personal high five

with everyone in this office except you.

What? But you hate high fives.

Yes, every minute of it was hell.

But it'll be worse for you. Squad, dismissed.

Good-bye, Diaz.

Salute into a fanny waggle?

- Good-bye, Boyle. - Oh, the snake charmer!

Good-bye, Jeffords.

- That's a butt bump. - Good-bye, Santiago.

Double fist bump reverse explosion

into a Pete Townshend strum.

All right, that was terrible, but it's over now, and I made it through.

Good-bye, Leonard from Xerox.

What? No, no, no.

The copy guy?

So nice of you to stop by, Kevin.

Enjoy your day. I hope it's productive.

Thank you, Raymond. I hope your day is productive as well.

PDA in the office? My, my.

- Couldn't help myself. - Hmm.

Oh, may I please use the precinct facilities before I head to work?

Yes. Thank you for asking for permission.

Thank you for granting it.

- Whoomp. - There it is!

Got to say, I could have used a little more oomph on the whoomp.

That's the oomphiest whoomp you'll get.

So what's going on? Why'd you want to meet in private?

I need your help with a case.

Three antique coins were stolen

from my classics department at Columbia.

So why not ask Captain Holt for help on the case?

Wait, are you guys getting a divorce?

I can handle it.

This doesn't bring up any weird issues for me.

No, it's nothing like that.

Raymond's a brilliant detective.

It's just when a case involves me,

he can get a little overemotional.

- You remember the safe house. - Oh, yeah, he went crazy.

But I also remember you and me becoming best friends

and watching every Nic Cage movie ever made.

- Can you still quote them all? - No, I purged myself of that nonsense.

- Oh, I bet it's still in there. - It's not.

- We'll see. - We won't.

- There's a chance it's in there. - Chance of zero.

I'd put money that maybe it's there.

- You're losing your money. - Okay.

- So will you help me? - I don't know.

I want to, but keeping a secret from Holt?

- That's a lot of pressure. - Hmm.

Am I remembering correctly?

Don't you... eat pressure for breakfast?

Nic Cage in "The Rock."

We are best friends. I am so in!

Oh, no, that's Raymond.

That's how he opens a door.

Kevin, are you still in here?

Uh, yes, Raymond, I'm in the stall.

Some tickets were just released

for Mahler's Fourth Symphony this weekend.

Great. That sounds great. Let's do it.

Fantastic. Now, which section do you prefer?

The first tier,

the second tier, the third tier...

The first tier.

Now, which section of the first tier?

Right, left, right center, center...

Just any section is fine.

Any section, wow.

Someone had pepper on their eggs this morning.

I'll buy the tickets.

Any section.

Guys, horrible news.

The fridge broke this morning. Everything's warm.

Doesn't seem like that big a deal.

- Your yogurt's spoiled. - Who did this?

Okay, everyone calm down.

I will put a request in for a new fridge.

Good luck getting that approved.

Commissioner Kelly's already slashed our budget

within an inch of its life.

Yeah, the toilet paper's only one ply now.

- My butt hurts all the time. - The AC is broken.

My butt hurts all the time.

Scully's butt hurts all the time.

All right, guys, we get it.

It's just that lunch is the one part of the day

Commissioner Kelly hadn't ruined.

People are pissed. Morale's really taken a hit.

Okay, I got this.

Hey, squad. Lunch is on me today.

Taking everyone out for pizza.

And that's how you improve morale.

Okay. You're not the only sergeant around here.

Let me help.

This side of the room, lunch is on me,

and we're getting something better than pizza.

Sushi!

Are you trying to outdo me?

No, no, no.

Just trying to raise morale.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Morale, morale, morale. Okay.

Wow, so this is your classroom.

What's today's lecture about?

I know you don't care about that.

Just ask me what you want to ask me.

Can I play with your laser pointer?

You know, the laser pointer is a bit of a misnomer.

It is simply a laser. The pointer is you.

- That was awesome. - Take it for a spin.

Don't mind if I do. Good afternoon, class.

Allow me to make my first... point.

- Very impressive. - Thank you very much, Kevin.

But I do have five additional points to make.

Chair, chair, wall, chair,

Captain Holt. Captain Holt? No.

Yes, that was a delicious lunch, Gary!

And I agree, our group does seem happier

than it was before.

Oh, the pizza was that good?

Pizza? Right, that's what I said we were getting

before we decided to uh-snazz it up.

Oh, you guys snazzed?

Yeah, we snazzed all the way to La Petite Creperie.

I thought we couldn't say "snazz."

Oh, no, I was thinking of .

We can't say . Carry on.

Tell 'em how good it was, Rosa.

Tell 'em how high our morale is.

- High. - Oh, stop gushing, girl.

I think it's so interesting

you guys didn't stick to your original plan,

because neither did we.

What? Why?

Oh, you don't think we knew you were gonna snazz?

We saw your snazz coming a mile away.

That's why I took my team out

for some big, juicy steaks, and...

- Thank you, Heather. - Mm-hmm.

Well, that doesn't sound better than crepes.

It is. Terry wins.

We know. We were at both lunches.

How? They were simultaneous and two miles apart.

It was free food. Life finds a way.

Okay, but you can't win

because it wasn't a competition.

So let's make it a competition.

Same groups tomorrow?

Okay, but let's agree at the end of this

- that we'll still be friends. - No deal.

Good! 'Cause I didn't mean it anyway.

Hello, sir. How'd you find us out?

Mahler's Fourth Symphony.

He'd never sit in just any section.

I might. I'm flexible.

Oh, really? You'd sit center left?

In timpani alley?

I'll purchase those tickets right away.

No, don't! Fine.

Jake is helping me with a burglary

here at the university,

and I asked him not to tell you.

- Is this about St. Augustine? - Yes.

- What's going on? - He's embarrassed of me.

Last Christmas,

the classics department threw a holiday party.

I had one drink too many and utterly humiliated myself.

And that was the point St. Augustine was making

in "Consolation of Philosophy."

Yeah, sounds super humiliating,

saying something smart.

Smart? I confused St. Augustine with Boethius.

I might as well have stepped on a rake

and bonked myself on the forehead.

The problem wasn't what you said.

It was that Dean Allister pointed out your mistake,

and you lost your damned mind.

I misremembered it because I'm reading both simultaneously.

One book is too few for me.

Where is everyone going?

It was quite the kerfuffle.

The problem is, is that I get flustered and defensive

because I know how they all see me:

as Kevin's working-class bimbo.

I can't imagine that's what they think.

- It is. - Really?