Seinfeld

I stay up late. I'm "night guy." Night guy wants to stay up late.

"Getting up after five hours' sleep?" "That's morning guy's problem.

That's not my problem. I'm night guy.

I stay up as late as I want."

So you get up in the morning, you're exhausted, groggy.

"Oh, I hate that night guy!"

See, night guy always screws morning guy.

There's nothing morning guy can do.

The only thing morning guy can do is oversleep...

...so that day guy loses his job and night guy has no money to go out.

Do you ever spit on anybody from here?

No. You?

No.

- Do you ever think about it? - Yeah.

Me too.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Well, I got it. - You got me the air conditioner?

- What do you think? - Beautiful.

What air conditioner?

My buddy works in an appliance store. He got us 30 percent off.

- Is it a good one? - Good one? It's a Commando 8.

- Commando 8? - Twelve thousand BTUs.

You hate air conditioning. You've never had an air conditioner.

- But Amy likes air conditioning. - Oh, an air conditioner for Amy.

Amy doesn't like the temperature up here. She's a little hot.

- All right. - Okay. So...

- I'm gonna measure the window up. - Yeah.

Yeah. Rock on!

I gotta get out of this city.

So you're tunnelling to the centre of the Earth?

I'm at the health club.

And while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses.

Who steals prescription glasses?

- You don't have an old pair? - I broke them playing basketball.

He was running from a bee.

Now if I wanna see anything, I gotta wear these.

George, those are prescription goggles?

What is there to see in a health club pool?

There's a lot of change down there.

When I find that guy, this much I vow:

Those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner.

We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed.

What kind of a sick, demented person wants another person's glasses?

Yeah, especially those frames.

You know what you ought to do? Go see Dwayne at J&T Optical.

He'll give you 30 percent off.

Yeah. Come on.

Hey, he just got me 30 percent off on an air conditioner.

- Really? - Retail is for suckers.

- What do I have to do? - Just mention my name.

- That's it? - That's it.

What about these?

They look good. I liked the other one too.

I've liked about five of them.

Well, it's a tough decision. I have to wear these every day.

- I'm deciding on a new face. - Come on, George.

Pick a face and go with it.

Now, those look good. They're very bold.

Yes, they are bold.

Jerry, what do you think?

These women would be good-looking if they weren't wearing glasses.

Hi there, little doggy.

- Do you mind if I pet your dog? - It's okay with me.

Hi, little doggy.

You can't have that dog in here.

- You okay? Did he bite you? - Can you believe that guy?

I'm okay. It's just a nip.

He just walked away.

And once again I'm standing here like a little man.

Well, not this time.

You! Dog man!

- My leg looks pretty bad. - I'll take you to the emergency room.

- Okay. - Hey. Any luck? Did you catch him?

No. No.

- I'll take Elaine to the hospital. - Good, good. Do that.

- What's the matter? - Oh, no. Nothing.

What is it?

I can't tell you.

- Jerry, can we go? - Yeah, yeah. In a second.

- You can't tell me? - I can't tell you.

- Don't ask. - I'm asking.

- Jerry, my leg. - Yeah, here. Take care of it.

Come on, George. What is it?

I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey.

- What? - They were right outside.

- Amy and Jeffrey? - Yes.

- Are you sure? - Yes. Positive.

But you can't see. There's no lenses in those frames.

I know. I was squinting.

Jerry, you just catch up with me. You can just follow the trail of blood.

We're gonna have to talk about this later.

Thank you.

Taxi!

Excuse me. What do you think of these?

We just got those in. It's a very exciting new frame.

Yes, it is exciting.

This is gonna be my new face.

- Do you have a prescription? - Yeah.

Kramer.

What?

Kramer.

- What about him? - You do know Kramer.

- Yes. - Well, I'm mentioning his name.

Why?

Because, you know...

No, I don't know. Look, I'm gonna need a deposit on these.

Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey?

- It's not possible. - Why not? They could've met.

She loves the park. He works for the Parks Department.

Jerry, that is so ridiculous.

George didn't even have his glasses on.

But he was squinting.

So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference.

Are you kidding? I've seen him squint.

He can squint his way down to like 20-30 vision.

Once we drove down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses.

He squinted his way from Wurtsboro down to the Tappan Zee Bridge.

He was spotting raccoons on the road.

- Okay. - Okay?

That's it? I don't need a shot?

No shot. Dog bite.

No, I know I wasn't shot.

Do I need a shot?

Not shot. Dog bite.

Woof-woof. Not bang-bang.

- Look at this. The cable's out. - That's okay.

- We don't have to watch TV. - No, no. No trouble at all.

It's the principle of the thing.

I like them to know that I know what's going on...

...that they're not getting away with anything.

I'm on hold.

So, what did you do yesterday?

- Yesterday? - Yeah.

You remember yesterday.

Beautiful day. Good day to be out.

- I didn't do anything. - Well, you must've done something.

- No. Nothing really. - Didn't go out of the house?

Didn't take a walk on Columbus Avenue?

- Well, I did go out for a little while. - Well.

Your day's getting more interesting already.

Oh, see?

Told me they'd be back in a minute, and they lied.

- You can't trust anyone. - No, you can't.

Well, let's cut the bull, sister!

I know about you swapping spit with somebody on Columbus.

- What are you talking about? - Look, my friend saw you.

Saw me? With who?

You tell me.

There's nothing to tell.

There isn't?

No.

All right.

Wanna get some pizza?

I had a feeling this was too good to be true.

- Why? - There had to be another side to you.

- No, there's no side. - There is a side, an ugly side.

No, no ugly side.

- Look, I think I'm gonna go. - Why?

- It's really hot in here. - So we can still go out on Friday?

Yeah. When are you getting an air conditioner?

It's coming. It's a Commando 8, 12,000 BTUs.

It's gonna be like a meat locker in here.

- I was an idiot for listening to you. - Hey, I saw what I saw.

Everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me.

- Now she sees a side. - What side?

- A bad side, an ugly side. - So what?

I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months.

You made me throw off the whole learning curve.

- Why don't you just ask Jeffrey. - He'd just deny it.

- There must be some way to find out. - Amy said nothing happened.

You're taking her word over mine? I'm your best friend.

But you're blind as a bat.

I was squinting! Remember that drive from Wurtsboro?

I was spotting those raccoons.

They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you.

Hey, look. A dime.

Mercury head.

- You mind? - No, keep it.

What happened? You buzzed five minutes ago.

There was a dog in front, and it spooked me.

- I couldn't come in until he left. - A little white dog?

- Yeah. - Snowball?

You're afraid of Snowball?

I'm afraid of dogs now.

He's like a squirrel.

Well, he frightened me.

- Did you get the shot? - No. He said I didn't need a shot.

You got bit by a strange dog, and you didn't get a shot?

You think I should have?

Just go back to the optical store...

...and ask Dwayne if he knows the dog's owner.

Good idea. I'm gonna do that.

The AC's on its way.

Pardon me. I went to see your friend Dwayne.

There was no discount.

- What? - That's right. No discount.