Jim Jefferies: Alcoholocaust

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your cue to start clapping,

start cheering,

start whooping.

Welcome to the stage

Jim Jefferies!

such as religious and racial issues, which may be offensive to some audiences, and the language of this work may also be offensive to some.

Hello.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you for coming to my show, "Alcoholocaust".

Uh..., guys, fuck, look, it's a big theater, man.

I appreciate you coming out people. People who are watching this at

home might know that this is a fucking monday night.

so I appreciate how many people have come.

I realize that in this economy, tickets for things

such as comedy shows

aren't that cheap

for men,

for women,

same price they've always fucking been,

Women don't pay for things like this.

There's women in this room have no fucking idea

how much the ticket for this show cost.

No fucking idea.

Your husband came home,

said, "Remember, we're seeing Jim Jefferies,"

you said, "Who?" And now you're fucking here.

Women don't pay.

Basically, women are a bunch of cunts.

To summarize, women are cunts.

See, and I don't know if women even know that drinks cost money.

you know?

Ugly chicks know.

If you know that drinks cost money, you're a fucking ugly bitch, but

otherwise, you're a good looking girl. Good luck to you.

See, my birthday's on valentine's day,

so even on my fucking birthday, I'm buying some bitch dinner.

If I meet a nice girl and I'm in a restaurant

and the check comes and I put the credit card down

and she's a nice girl, she'll do the purse grab.

And if I go, "No, no, no, it's okay,"

She's very quick to give up on that argument.

Other arguments, she can keep going for fucking years.

but that one, she's ever so gracious about.

This is why I think I'd like to be gay.

I think gay would be a good move for me.

I wouldn't enjoy the sex. I'd have to get through the sex.

I would have a cock in my mouth,

with tears streaming down my face.

And as the jizz hit the back of my throat,

I'd be thinking of my happy place,

but it'd be worth while

just so I could split the occasional bill.

That's why gay guys are happy,

and that's why lesbians are fucking miserable.

Lesbians are fucking miserable

people 'cause they have to hang out with women all day.

It must be fucking horrible.

They must just be sitting there at dinner, going, "I'm not gonna pay for this bitch.

I've just worn my best plaid shirt and shaved my head.

He better treat me like a princess."

Now, if there's any lesbians in the room, and I assume there's not,

because laughter's not your thing.

But if there is, I'd like to apologize for that last joke.

But if you hate men so much,

stop tryna look like them.

You never see a jew dressed as a nazi.

I did that joke in America.

I said lesbians have no sense of humor and they're not fun or whatever.

And these 2 lesbians stood up and stormed out of the room as

if to prove my point.

They're just not fun people.

Gay guys are fun.

I don't care how homophobic you are,

If you're holding a dinner party and a gay guy shows up,

You get a little excited, don't you?

You're like, "Oh, fucking a gay guy. Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?

We got a live one." Right? But

if you're holding a dinner party

and a lesbian shows up, you're just like, "Aw, fuck me,

all I wanted to do was relax and play Pictionary.

She's drawing something political."

You can't even point lesbians out, and they're so fucking obvious.

They're so obvi... but you can't point them out.

If you saw, like, fucking, if I see like 2 lesbians in the audience and go,

"Excuse me, are you lesbians?"

They'll be like, "What? What the fuck? What? What do you mean by that?" Right?

But if I see 2 gay guys in the audience and go, "Excuse me, are you gay guys?"

They'll go "Guilty!"

'cause gay guys fucking love being gay.

The word "gay" comes from "happy".

They like fucking men in the ass so much,

they've called it "happy".

I, I have been a heterosexual my whole life.

I would not call the experience "happy".

I would call it a struggle, at best.

I'll tell you another reason why it must be awesome to be a gay guy.

It must be wonderful to be in a relationship

where, if you're partner's being a dickhead,

you can punch him in the head.

Hasn't that got to give your relationship a whole new dimension?

I can't tell you the amount of arguments I've had with women

that could have been sorted out quicker with a punch.

And while we're on the subject of domestic violence.

It's a horrible thing. Of course it is...

Now...

you ever met a woman who's, like, been married like 4 times

and she's like, "I guess I just choose the wrong type of men"?

"I have been married 4 times and all my husbands beat me."

And you're like, "All of them? All four?

One, two, three, fucking four? They all beat you?

Someone doesn't know when to shut the fuck up, now, do they?"

'Cause I'm a tolerant man.

I'll give anyone 3, but 4?

You're a fucking button-pusher. Come on?

That's a nice, cheery way to start the show.

I do a lot of gigs, well not a lot, I do some gigs out in Iraq and Afghanistan and stuff like that,

which, if I was in an american crowd right now, they'd go, "Whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

But I'm not, so I can be honest with you. I do it for money.

...Um, the first time, over there it's like I'm king,

The first time I go do a gig in Iraq, they

fly me and my manager in a passenger plane into Kuwait.

Now it turned out that Kuwait is a regular country that anyone can visit.

Then,

a military truck gets me and my manager and drives us over the border into Iraq

and dropped us off.

And we're standing in the middle of the desert of a war-torn country and

we can't see anything on the horizon.

And I turn to my manager and go, "Good booking, fuckface."

And then this helicopter comes in over the horizon

and lands in front of us,

and the blades are still going.

And this soldier runs off and goes,

"Excuse me, are you Jim Jefferies?"

And I went, "What other white cunt were you looking for in the desert?

at this exact location?"

Then he hands me my bulletproof vest and my helmet.

He's obviously wearing his bulletproof vest and his helmet.

His are camouflaged. Mine?

Fucking blue.

And I said, "Why do I have a blue vest and helmet?"

He said, "That's so the enemy know you're a civilian."

I'm like, "Does the enemy give a shit?

That's my main concern,

because I've never been a sniper."

But every time I got off the helicopter, I was surrounded by soldiers protecting me.

If I was a sniper, I'd be like,

"The cunt in blue looks important." Right?

We got in this helicopter.

and we're sitting in this chopper. That's what we call them in the biz "chopper".

And I'm sitting here. And I got 2 soldiers sitting next to me there,

my manager, Brett, sitting there. He's got 2 soldiers sitting next to him.

There's 2 soldiers in the cockpit.

There's a great big door open next to me there,

and there's another door opened there, and at that door

is a soldier with a great big gun on a hinge

with bullets coming out of it like that thing that Chewbacca (Star Wars character) wears.

And we take off, and off we go to Baghdad.

And as we hit the border of the city, I hear a great big "BANG!"

And these 2 small flares shoot out from the small wings of the helicopter,

followed by a trail of smoke.

And the helicopter goes, "Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"

Now, the reason they do this is, when they get over the danger area,

if there's a heat-seeking missile,

it'll be distracted by the flares,

and then the helicopter will fly out of range.

Very clever. Now...

They never told me,

this was happening.

As far as I'm concerned, the wings have just exploded.

And we're now plummeting to our death.

But it's nice to know how you react under pressure.

Because I reacted thusly, by vomiting over my lovely blue vest,

ironically making it more camouflage than it was before,

and yelling out, "We're going down!"

The 2 pilots, the sergeants, the gunner,

they all start pissing themselves, laughing.

They're reaching through. They're high-fiving each other.

It turned out that they've been waiting for this joke for months.

I'm cleaning vomit off myself, going, "Oh, you, that was a good one."

"Thank you for defending my freedom." Right?

So, I sit back down, covered in vomit in the helicopter "Ugh."

And so I'm trying to look out the door to try to un-quease myself.

And I'm looking out over the ground, over Baghdad.

By the way, Baghdad, beautiful city, untouched.

And I look out on the ground,

and I see a little arab fellow with a handgun

shooting up at the helicopter, just .

Once again, I freak out. "We're being fired on!"

The gunner now is laughing so fucking hard.

He's laughing even harder than he was before.

He's laughing so hard, he's keeled over. The gun's just dangling out in the hinge.

And I'm like, "What's your fucking problem, man?"

And he's like, "Jim, you're gonna have to calm down, mate.

We're in a military helicopter with a bulletproof bottom.

That's a handgun.

We're so high up, the bullets can't even reach us. They just sort of go "

And then I jokingly said,

"I bet our bullets can reach him." And he went, "Oh, yeah."

And the little cunt died.

And, and I was like, "

I was just saying, mate.