Beaver Falls

Everyone's hooked up except me.

Right now, who do you think's having a better time, me or A-Rab?

What the hell are you doing here?

I feel so, so stupid.

You'll miss that.

Repeat after me - it didn't mean anything.

Something did happen. But it was just sex.

I've taken into consideration the views of many great thinkers.

The wisdom and teachings of Aristotle, Plato,

Confucius.

Even Charles Sheen.

And I've come to one indisputable conclusion.

Yeah!

Love is fucked in the head.

Is this about Rachael?

I'm done apologising. She's not gonna forgive me. I'm moving on.

So, what, you're giving up on her? I'm officially accepting defeat.

I'm sorry, mate. I know how much you liked her.

Hup. Yeah! Yaah!

Another time, another place, she might have been here enjoying the beautiful game.

Fruitball. No. Against official fruitball rules.

Paragraph 12, no girls.

Either way, we're out. What?

Already? We're only on the third innings.

Yo, shorties! Grab us some more fruit!

Or anything vaguely fruit-shaped.

Hello?

Where are they?

We told them it was a championship game.

It's not their fault. It's love's fault. Oh, please.

Love, sex, whatever. Those dogs don't have their eye on this ball any more.

It could be worse. How?

How the fuck could it be worse?!

Shh! Someone's coming. They're coming back!

What the hell?

Hi. How are you?

Who did this to you?

Hey.

How... How's it going? Are you serious?

Just a bit of fun, babe...

Dig 'em out. Yeah, right!

Jake.

Talk? Come here.

OK, so maybe it's a bit of a hazing but it's character-building stuff.

Jacob, they're just kids!

Um...

OK, you know what? You don't tell me what to do.

Look at them. They're terrified.

This is a bit... undignified.

And I really need to go to the washroom.

Last chance. Or what, Kim?

You gonna call the fat-kid police?

Or... we're through.

Oh, come on, grow up. Fine.

I'll do it myself.

Now there's no need to be like that.

Are you gonna help me? No.

Then there's every need.

Fine. I'll see you later, then.

There won't be a later. I'm sick of this, Jacob.

Up to you.

Let's go.

Good luck digging those fatties out!

If you need to talk or anything...

you're single, I'm single.

Alone... at last.

Really?

Well, I don't quite know

what the right opening gambit is for a girl who's avoiding me.

Because you always make such a point to check in with your conquests?

Is that what this is about? You think you're just another conquest?

Because you're not. You see,

I don't know what to do now,

because the only person I want to talk to when I'm confused is you.

Flynn, I'm confused too. You think I don't feel bad about this?

No, I know, and I know I'm the world's shittest friend for even being here but...

I can't stop thinking about it.

"What's going on? Why isn't she talking to me? What's she thinking?"

You've turned me into a 13-year-old girl.

I don't regret what happened, Rachael. Do you?

It's not that simple, Flynn.

There are things that I regret about it.

I regret that A-Rab thinks it's all his fault.

I regret having to lie to everyone.

I regret... But do you regret it?

Do you wish we hadn't?

No. I don't wish that.

But it's just it's all so complicated, Flynn.

Anyways...

I should probably get on.

Yeah, me too.

Some people say it's not the winning, er... that matters,

it's the taking part.

And, er... these are the sorts of people that end up wearing name tags at work.

Which brings me to the moment you've all been waiting for -

the results of the inter-bunk competition.

Were we meant to be doing something? Now, you've been marked on teamwork

and athletic prowess

and extracurricular activity.

And I'm proud to announce that for the tenth year running,

cabin ten, come on up!

CHEER

Alongside this wonderful trophy, you get the kick-ass golden prize

of a day out quad-biking through the wood.

High-octane, high-powered fun.

Jake, good man.

Mm-hm.

This is, er... This is for everybody that supported us,

that didn't let us down, and who had faith in us.

Who didn't act like a total bitch because she didn't get her fucking way!

And that cup is yours to keep for a week

because that's what Beaver Falls rewards -

teamwork, success,

and defeating those who are weaker than yourselves.

Winners!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Yes! Ten years!

Adios, losers!

Where were you guys? Just your average day.

A little polite conversation, some personal reflection,

and being buried up to our necks by those jock philistines.

Why do I feel like you're saying that's our fault?

Well, luckily she was there to save our asses.

She cares about us enough to stand up to Jake.

Did they have an argument?

Was she really angry? He dumped her and it's our fault.

Actually, I believe she finished with Cro-Magnon man, not the other way round.

Ah, look at the tiny little smile on his face.

He actually thinks he's in with a chance.

Hey. Hey.

Can't believe the jocks won... How have you been?

What were you saying? No, just, er...

didn't even know there was an inter-bunk competition.

I think it's, um... mentioned in the orientation pack.

Yeah, really need to read that one of these days.

Sorry.

I'm really not great at the whole small-talk thing.

Yeah, me neither.

We should probably get used to it.

Us. Friends.

Yeah!

It... It's good that you're... we're getting on with things.

See you around, yeah?

Everything all right? Fine.

You seem a little bit upset. What?

You know... No, I don't.

What makes you think I'm upset? Nothing, just a... a feeling.

If you want to get anything off your chest...

Like what? I don't know. Anything... at all.

Barry, this is cheap, even for you. I don't understand.

You've obviously heard that I've split up with Jake so why don't you just come out and say it?

You've split with Jake?

No way.

Oh, sure, Barry, because you're so sensitive and attuned to my moods,

you just sensed something was wrong!

They say dogs can see ghosts.

Here's what I want - to be left alone to get on with my work.

Here's what I don't want - an emotionally stunted man-child

hoping to take advantage of my supposedly vulnerable state.

I wasn't, and I'm not emotionally stunted or a man-child.

The only difference between you and a 12-year-old

is that a 12-year-old has an excuse for being immature.

So you don't want to talk, then?

Working hard, Mr Spencer?

Hi.

Yeah, just, er... just in the middle of doing the inventory.

Only up to A for astronaut.

How unusually dedicated of you.

Feels like you've been less than attentive recently, Flynn. Let's make up for that.

Yeah, sure. I've had a lot on my plate this week.

Back to work, Mr Spencer. See you here after dinner.

Could you give me a ride back to the lodge, please, Bobby?

Of all people! In the camp! In full view! I mean, that... that's...

Bobby, we talked about this. I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm single.

No! You're... For 46 weeks of the year, maybe.

But while you're here at my camp, you're my wife!

You don't own me.

I will not be treated this way!

Sneaking around.

Fucking a...

fucking Englishman. He's Scottish.

Do you really hate me that much?

It's got nothing to do with you, nothing at all.

You don't factor into it.

I forbid you from seeing him.

That's gonna be difficult, seeing as how I'm meeting him later.

No, no.

I'm fine, Mom. I just, er...

I just really want to come home.

No, it's... it's... been great.

I'm just not having a good time any more.

Yeah, so, I'll, erm... I'll see you soon, OK?

Uh... yes. A taxi's coming at 8pm.

I love you too.

OK, bye.

Dog, we going quad-biking on yo ass!

Every year is the same, the jocks win the inter-bunk competition

and you poor guys come last.

So I thought to myself, "Bobby, what does Beaver Falls stand for?

"Fairness, equality, the great outdoors for everyone!"

Oh, I have got to find my driving gloves.