The Professor

It doesn't look good, Richard.

In fact, to be quite frank, it looks pretty bad.

Rather than beat around the bush,

I'm just going to come right out and say it.

Richard, you have stage four lung cancer.

The pain you've been experiencing in your upper back

is actually the result of malignant tumors within your lungs,

which it sadly appears you've had for some time.

As we're catching this late in the game,

your cancer has also had the opportunity to spread

specifically to your spine and adrenals.

You'll want to put in notice with the college.

You should notify Veronica and your daughter as soon as possible

as treatment will begin immediately.

How long are we talking?

With treatment...

a year.

A year and a half, if you're lucky.

And without?

Probably six months.

I am so sorry, Richard.

Fuck.

So let's make this a fantastic quarter

and get that extra little bit of funding

that we so desperately need.

Uh, any questions?

Fuck.

What? Urn... Okay.

Fuck.

Jesus fucking Jesus.

Jesus! God! Fuck.

Fucking bastard!

Fuck! Jesus!

Fuck it, huh?

Fucking God!

FUCK you!

FUCK you!

Oh, fuck.

- Shall the atheists say grace then? - Shut up, Richard.

Of course, my dear.

I actually have something I want to say.

Go ahead, kid. What do you got?

I wanted you to know that I'm gay.

- What on Earth? - Jesus Christ.

Olivia, I thought it was something bad.

No, you're not, Olive.

- What do you mean I'm not? - You're not gay.

I mean, you're not a lesbian.

Yeah, I am.

Yeah. No, I think I'd know my own sexual preference.

- It's just a phase. - I, for one, think it's fantastic.

Don't placate her.

- I'm not placating my daughter. - How dare you deny me like this.

I'm not denying you, sweetheart.

I'm just denying your call for attention

or whatever else this is.

That's all.

I know you, Olive.

- Better than you know yourself. - No, mother.

You don't know no shit about me.

Olivia, please come back, sweetheart.

- Olivia. - Let her go.

Your finesse of parenting...

has always amazed me.

I also have something I'd like to say.

I can't wait.

I'm having an affair.

I'm having an affair and I thought you should know.

And why did you think I should know?

Because it's with Henry.

Henry who?

Henry Wright.

- Henry Wright? - Mm-hm.

My boss?

No, no, no, no. Veronica. That's real revolting.

Are you out of your mind? Come on.

At least have a little bit of taste in your infidelity.

It's up to you,

but I'd fuck the pool boy myself or a plumber...

then had some fucking nutless sack.

I assure you it's not empty.

What?

Henry's been blessed with a spare testicle.

Henry was blessed with a spare testicle?

Are you sure it's not a cyst

or a cancerous growth?

Do you even care?

About his third nut?

No.

No, I don't.

As far as I'm concerned,

that real estate's lost its value long ago.

You're such an ass.

Self-admitted.

So let us drink to our holy matrimony.

- Drink by yourself. - Much better idea.

Ugh. What was it you wanted to tell us?

I was, uh, afraid I overcooked the steaks.

Such an asshole.

No, but that's not what she's saying at all.

She's-she's laying the groundwork for the whole feminist movement.

Go on.

Like a hundred years in advance and...

What was that?

Oh.

Aren't you gonna do anything?

Like What?

I don't know. Call someone?

Were you friends with it?

Did you know it personally, by, like, by name?

It's a fucking bird.

I don't know who to call.

- Can I continue? - No, you may not.

Oh, whose phone is it'? Is that your phone?

Shit.

- There we go. Here she is. - Sorry. Mine. Sorry.

Um, I thought it was on vibrate, but it's...

No, no, no, please, take your call. Stand up and take your call.

Please. Don't be shy.

Stand up and take your call.

Hello.

I'm gonna call you back actually because I'm in a class.

No, as in I'm in class.

Right now. I'm standing up.

I know.

It's weird. Okay.

Goodbye. Bye. Bye.

Fascinating.

I'm sorry.

Oh no, don't be.

Okay.

From here on out,

we're gonna do things very, very differently.

So for those of you

who are not even remotely interested in being here,

please leave.

Just simply walk out the door

and you'll receive an automatic

I no longer have time to be wasted

nor do I intend on wasting yours.

So for those of you

who receive grades of, say, a "C" or worse...

let's just be proactive.

Pack up your shit and vamoose now. Hmm?

Good. Here we go.

If any of you have any intentions of studying business,

get the fuck out now.

I'm not gonna say it again.

If you look down and you happen to find yourself in sweatpants

or rather pants with the drawstring or something,

- just please leave. - What?

Most important of all, if you've never read a book

for our own internal pleasure...

You don't belong here. Get out.

If any of you find yourself falling into any of these categories,

I assure you, you will not do better than a.

Here we go.

The government workers

and the politicians included.

The, uh, sweatpants comment's not a joke.

I'm sick. I have a cold.

Right. Now, for those of you who are interested

in learning from greater minds,

and there are today...

you're in charge of reading one book and one book only to this quarter.

After doing so, you will then stand up here

and you will run a class of your own.

Excellent.

There go the kings and queens of the water cooler.

Corporate whores of tomorrow.

Maybe not.

And then you will stand up here and you'll persuade your peers

of the work's importance.

For that, you'll receive a.

If you teach us something new, you receive an.

Any questions?

Um...

Ah-ha. Yes. One more thing.

No feminist or queer propaganda.

The plight of unkempt women is truly the last thing

I would like to think about right now.

I don't think you can do that.

I just did.

And now, I shall embark on an emotional...

bender for 72 hours.

Most likely, I'll be drinking alone.

And I'm all right with that.

So as a result, class is canceled.

That's it.

Class dismissed.

Oh, yeah, by the way, if any of you sell marijuana

or you know anyone who does, would you please visit me

during office hours?

Thanks.Bye.

What the fuck?

I need to go on sabbatical next quarter.

I would... No, I can't give you a sabbatical, it takes a year.

A year to get that kind of thing done.

You're gonna have to do something to speed it up.

No, I can't.