American Dad!

Come on. Come on.

Oh, my God!

Ugh, it's negative again.

Where did you get a pregnancy test with sound effects?

At Spencer's Gifts. It's also where I get my condoms.

What, wait, you're... you're wearing condoms

while we're trying to get pregnant?

They're joke condoms. They have a big hole in the end.

I just wear them for the feel...

and the chuckles.

You doof. I can't wait to have your big, doofy baby.

I wanna have a babe with you, too, babe.

Hey! Are you done in there?

Get out, get out, get out!

I went to Taco King! I can't do this in my bowl!

Aah!

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. We know how much you want this.

I don't know what's wrong. I've been eating right,

exercising, taking all the vitamins.

And I bought a butterfly net to catch the baby

when he comes shooting out.

We've been trying all kinds of different positions, too.

The spider pretzel, the butter churner,

the standing wheelbarrow.

And my favorite, the breakfast for dinner.

That's where I fry him an egg,

and then we do it quite traditionally, from behind.

Well, you must be doing something wrong.

I got Francine pregnant on the first try.

Bang, bang, chicken and shrimp!

What's going on? I'm bored. I got nothin'.

By the looks of your faces, you got nothin', too.

God, it's so boring in this house. I'm bored.

What's going on?

Haley and Jeff are having trouble getting pregnant.

Oh, good. This isn't boring. I could drop a bomb on this.

See, Hayley's never going to get pregnant

because Jeff's an alien. Boom!

Wait, what?!

Ever since Jeff got back from space,

he's had an alien body.

Only human part left is his brain.

Ohh, that explains why my pee is slightly brighter than usual.

And why I haven't slept in a year

or even felt the need to.

Yeah, that explains everything. Did I leave anything out, Stan?

You knew?! Yes, but I couldn't tell anyone,

because I'm an amazing secret keeper.

Well, why didn't you tell me? That is also a secret.

I know we weren't gonna say anything, Stan,

but I got bored.

Remember at Disney World how I got bored,

so I tried to drown that fat lady

on Pirates of the Caribbean?

You guys went to Disney World without me?

My boy Reggie is Pluto!

He could've got you pineapple Dole Whips

half-price, fool!

My other boy Dante's got a sick condo in Daytona Beach.

It's only a 90-minute drive from Disney World.

And I got a hookup for Lightning tickets.

Warm weather hockey... you don't get that up here.

Shut up, Klaus!

I also have a boy in Jacksonville.

I can't believe this. I'm married to an alien.

I-I've been having sex with an alien!

I don't see what the big deal is, Hayley.

Lots of people sleep with aliens...

Lois Lane, Marvin the Martian's wife,

every cable guy who's ever come to this house.

But I don't feel like an alien. I feel like me.

That's because you still have your stupid human brain.

Hey, I love your stupid human brain,

and I don't even care that you're an alien.

Liberal.

But... I do wish we could have a baby.

Well, you could have a baby if Jeff became human again,

but that's impossible.

Unless...

you gave his brain to a birthing alien on its heat cycle

so Jeff could be reborn as a human.

But you'd need to find a birthing alien here on Earth

other than me, because I'm not doing it.

Whew! Is it hot in here? I can't tell.

I'm on my heat cycle. Anyway, impossible.

Such a bummer. Gotta go. Bored again.

My boy in Jacksonville's name is Leroy.

He's a barback at Buffalo Wild Wings,

and he says if we go down there,

we might be able to party with the waitstaff.

And then Marybeth Stephanie called me a "Hufflepuff"!

Can you believe that?!

I've been called some terrible things before,

but never a Hufflepuff.

That's stupid! You're totally a Ravenclaw.

I know! But even though I was real peeved,

I just said "thank you" because I didn't want to offend her.

You're a bit of a Hufflepuff. Yeah, I'm a Hufflepuff.

Are you Snot? Are you poor?

Uh... Because we're...

Trish! And the Sizzle.

And you're on "Morning Mimosa's"...

"Three Happy Days"!

Whoa, awesome!

What? What's happening?

What's happening is you just hit the jackpot, buddy.

Every year on "Morning Mimosa,"

they surprise a poor kid with three happy days!

You're poor, aren't you, Snots?

Look at you! Of course you are.

Come with us! Your first happy day starts now!

Three happy days!

Three happy days!

Being poor is so weird.

Like, when I think of tuna,

I think of tuna from a fancy sushi place,

and you think of tuna from a shitty can,

like a cat.

Poor people are a lot like cats.

Please, Roger, I really wanna be human again.

And if that doesn't happen, we'll never have a baby.

What if someone told you that you couldn't have

what you wanted most in life?

Jake Gyllenhaal?

If somebody told me I couldn't have him,

I-I don't even know what I...

Ah! That'd be awful!

I'll be there for you the whole time,

every step of the way. Well, I have always wanted

them fat swangin' pregnancy tits.

You would look great with those!

I'll do it. I'll carry your Jeff baby.

Muchas gracias! Oh, Thank you!

Now, how do we go about getting Jeff's brain?

Aah!

And now there's a 10% chance that I'm pregnant.

Three happy days!

Three happy days!

That's right. Every year, the Sizzle and I

help one poor kid with the saddest story.

This year, we were faced

with the biggest challenge we've ever had.

Meet Snot Lonstein... poor, yet Jewish.

So for Snots' first happy day,

we gave him a much-needed makeover.

Meet the brand-new Snots!

Fabulous! Now let's bring out the person

responsible for you being here today.

Snot, meet your knight in shining armor, Steve Smith!

You nominated me?

Yeah, I did. I felt bad for you.

You think it doesn't break my heart when we go to the movies

and you bring that old jawbreaker in that sticky bag?

Snot, don't you wanna thank Steve for nominating you?

Let's see you...

Kiss his feet! Kiss his feet!

Where'd you find this doctor, anyway?

We can't go to a regular doctor,

so Klaus recommended this guy.

Hello! I'm Dr. Kalgary.

I see you are lesbians. Congratulations.

Yep.

I believe you are hoping for some good news.

Just tell me I'm pregnant, Doc.

Wait. I hear a heartbeat.

That is very uncommon in my office.

I'm pregnant? Oh, thank God!

Let's take a closer look.

Thank you, Billy.

And you are having...

an adult man.

Oh, my God! It's Jeff!

I'm printing you a copy.

Billy!

Aah!

It's okay. I got it.

No, no. Let him get it himself.

I'm getting stronger!

Everything hurts.

And the cravings...

I want a cigarette and five shots of Patrón.

Roger, you can't smoke or drink during your pregnancy.

Okay, but can't I just cook

the tiniest bit of meth?

It won't hurt nobody.

Here, have some pickles instead.

Oh, God, the smell! Get that away from me!

But these are your favorite.

I think I missed a spot.

Ugh. This is disgusting.

I'm disgusting, and I hate this thing!

You! You did this to me!

I think if I had just a tiny bit of meth,

it'd settle my stomach. No, Roger.

Just a widdle cwystal?

With the help of his best friend, Steve,

we're about to surprise Snots with his second happy day.

Let's go!

Oh, my! Sizzle? Trish?! Am I on...

Shut up! You're not part of this!