United States of Al

How do you say "We're so happy to see you"

in... What is the language there?

Afghanistanish?

Uh, it's Pashto.

And I only know a few phrases.

Like?

Which means?

"Please, God, get me out of here".

So you can say that and not "We're so glad you're here"?

Lizzie, the whole time I served in Afghanistan

I never heard anyone say, "We're so glad you're here".

We should've brought him a welcome gift.

When I went back for my second tour,

he was waiting for me on the tarmac

with a pot of pacha.

Ooh, that something you eat or smoke?

It's a traditional Afghan breakfast soup

made of sheep's hooves.

Seriously?

I know, it sounds more like a lunch food, doesn't it?

Al's mom used to make it for us.

Aw...

Are you gonna cry when you see him?

Marines don't cry, Lizzie.

- They don't, huh? - No.

Those babies in the Air Force cry

when their sunglasses get smudged.

There he is, there he is.

- Al, over here! - Aah!

- Hi. - (SIGHS)

Oh, my friend.

I am so happy to see you.

I was worried you weren't gonna make it.

Me, too. But...

you found a way.

Hi, Al.

Lizzie.

It is so good to finally meet you.

Thank you for keeping my brother safe.

Oh, thank you!

Oh, look at this.

Today, we are all in the Air Force.

It is a marvel

how beautifully paved your roads are.

And look how everyone stops for the red light.

People don't stop for traffic lights in Afghanistan?

No, we are too busy. We have places to go.

Oh, there's a lot to see.

: I can't wait to show you everything.

And I want to see everything.

Washington D.C., Las Vegas.

And what's the name of that place

that sells peanut butter and brings it to you on a forklift?

Costco.

- It will not disappoint. - Hmm.

Neither will Vegas.

I can't take him to Vegas.

Won't drink, won't gamble.

And do not try to show him naked women.

True.

But there is nothing in the Koran

that says I cannot ride a roller coaster

through a tiny New York.

You definitely have to come with me to Burning Man.

Oh, Lizzie, don't.

- Who is Burning Man? - It's a what.

- What is a what? - Burning Man.

It sounds like a who.

- There is no burning man. - What?

Picture this:

bunch of Americans show up, pitch some tents,

run around like crazy people,

light everything on fire and then leave.

Are you trying to make me homesick?

So, Riley,

when do I get to meet the most wonderful woman

in all of creation?

Oh, yeah. About that.

They broke up.

I was getting there.

What are you talking about?

R-Riley, for years, all I heard about

was how much you love and miss her.

Well, didn't work out.

Kind of in the middle of a...

divorce.

What about my goddaughter?

Hazel? You'll meet her.

It's just a little complicated right now.

Oh, Riley.

Have you apologized for whatever it was you did wrong?

What makes you think it was my fault?

Oh, Riley.

Look at all this food.

Why do you people invade other countries,

when you can just stay here and eat?

Good question, man.

Look at this apple.

It is perfect.

It's a perfect apple.

May I take a bite?

- Knock yourself out. - Ah.

Oh, no, we can't buy this.

Well, we kind of have to now.

But it has no taste.

It's just crunchy water.

What do they taste like in Afghanistan?

They have an apple flavor.

I'll have my mother send you some.

All right, rotisserie chicken, eight even.

No, no, no.

Eight dollars for that chicken?

- I do not think so. - Excuse me?

I will give you four.

- What? - Four, or I am walking away.

- I can't change the price of the groceries. - Okay.

I am walking away.

Look at me, I am walking away.

You will lose the sale.

Lizzie, put everything back.

We are walking away.

- What is he doing? - Just watch.

Okay, Shawn, you are good.

You are a credit to your profession.

I will give you five dollars for the chicken.

I couldn't do that even if I wanted to.

The computer doesn't let us.

Okay, so you want to.

We're getting somewhere. Move aside.

I can figure it out.

This is gonna end very badly.

No, it's not.

Hmm. Here is a button to override the store price.

Just put in your employee number.

Manager to Checkout Three.

We have a, uh...

I don't know what.

Hey, Al, while you're at it,

these avocados were two dollars each

last time I was here. Now they're $2.50.

Oh, so the price can change but only up.

How do you explain that, Shawn?

Is there a problem here?

Eh, there is no problem.

We have just agreed

that this chicken will be five dollars.

Now let's talk about the avocados.

Uh, n-nothing I can do about the avocados,

but you can have the chicken for five bucks

if you just leave.

Deal.

See?

Oh, um, by the way, Tom.

Shawn here is an excellent employee.

If you cannot give him a raise,

you can certainly send him home

with some nice meat for his family.

Here we are.

What a beautiful home. Mashallah.

Yeah. (MUMBLING): Mashallah...

Oh, relax, man.

You don't have to take your shoes off.

What am I, an animal?

Hey! Awalmir!

A-welcome.

I am so happy to be here.

I cannot thank you enough.

There is no need.

Your son helped me, too.

We helped each other.

You must be exhausted.

Well, it was eight hours from Kabul to Hamburg,

then two hours to Heathrow,

then my flight got canceled, and I waited six hours

for the ten-hour flight to Atlanta.

And then two hours to Columbus, so yes,

I am a little, uh...

Riley, what is that wonderful word?

- Pooped. - Pooped.

All right, let me get you a beer.

Dad, what the hell, man?

We talked about this. No alcohol.

Oh, right, right. Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.

No, your son should be sorry

for talking to you with that tone of voice.

I like him.

Come on, I made dinner.

And don't forget, he can't have pork.

Well, make up your mind. Are you Muslim or you Jewish?

- Dad! - Ah, calm down.

So, what's going on with your family?

- They are safe for now, inshallah. - Where?

Kabul.

Oh, I love it there.

You said Cabo, right?

How would his family get to Mexico?

I spent a spring break in Mexico.

I don't know how I got there.

All right, here we go.

No pork, no booze.