Family Guy

Oh, fun! Look, Peter.

Smash Mouth is playing here next weekend.

- In Quahog? - No, in this porn store.

Well, you caught us.

Lois and I are stocking up

for a very special anniversary evening,

and I'm not sure that five percent discount

was worth checking in here on Facebook.

Ew, Meg, don't "like" that.

Anyway, to celebrate, we thought it would be fun

to recount the three greatest love stories ever told.

We'll begin with the tale of Helen of Troy:

"The face that launched a thousand ships."

Which is the poetic way of saying,

"Helen of Troy was thicc, tho."

Which is the Black Twitter way of saying,

"She was very attractive."

The people of Troy's chocolate

has gotten into our peanut butter.

The people of Greece's peanut butter

has gotten all over our chocolate!

We could perhaps try the combined taste,

or we could fight to the death.

Guys, stop! The Battle of the Greece's Peanut Butter Cup

has gone on too long.

Let us agree to disagree.

Huh, what a pleasantly de-escalating phrase

that I'm just now hearing for the first time.

Yes, we will agree to disagree.

The war between the Greeks and the Trojans is over!

To Greece!

Now let's go call a bunch of jagged rocks a beach.

- Ooh! Ow! - Sharp! Sharp! Sharp!

- Hot! - Hot!

Man, I'm happy the war is over.

I can't wait to get back to Troy.

Yeah, I'm just gonna plop down with my kids

and watch Troy Story.

To the other side of that hill... and beyond!

That's as far as we know about right now.

You know what I just realized?

This. This could be a really long poem.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Helen's in my cabin,

and I thought I'd give heterosexual sex a try.

Helen?! What the Hades?!

What? She's hot.

But not as hot as Medusa.

Ah, one look at Medusa, and I'm rock hard.

Mythologically correct.

Coming up, Greek food voted burpiest in the world.

But first, in tragedy news:

your queen, Helen, has run off with Paris back to Troy.

This is an outrage!

I'll send my entire army after them, led by my best warriors!

Achilles, ACL, get in here!

- What? - Helen has run off with Paris!

We're going to get her back and burn Troy to the ground.

Well, that sounds good.

I just need to cancel my lesson with Socrates first.

Isn't he that thinker they keep shuffling around

from one philosophy school district to the next?

No, no, he's the one

whose method is all about asking questions.

- Like what? - "Have you ever tried wine?"

"Can you keep a secret?"

"You know this is your fault, right?"

Yeah, he'll... he'll make you question a lot about yourself.

So, we'll sail directly east,

and then head north at a 90 degree angle.

It's the fastest possible way I can imagine getting there.

Hang on. Let me see that.

Pythagoras just invented this thing called a "hypotenuse."

If we know this distance and this distance,

we can calculate this more direct route.

Wow. Our people are, like, really smart.

I bet Greeks will always be known

for their advancements in math and not as cartoon characters

with very hairy arms and a tragically mismanaged economy.

Okay, I had a feeling this fortress would be impenetrable,

so I've hired the finest builder in Greece

to make us a giant wooden horse.

We'll hide inside it, they'll take it in as a gift,

and then we spring out and destroy the city.

I call it "the Trojan horse."

Well, that sounds great,

but there's another door right here that's just beads.

- What? - Yeah. Just beads. See?

Oh, boy, this...

this is gonna be a difficult phone call.

Let's go! Let's go!

This needs to be done yesterday!

Hello?

Giant Horse Company, Pay On Delivery,

No Deposit Required. Can I help you?

What?!

Where the hell is everyone?

Well, they left a note.

It says Helen and Paris went back

to the Greek Isles to get married...

And all three of Helen's fathers are going to be there?!

They came!

Awesome! And now that we're owned by Disney,

we can have Hercules here.

No?

They-they won't let us use him?

What was the point of this whole merger?

Well, who can we use?

"Launchpad McQuack"?

No. No. No, you know what? I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted with being told "no."

And now I'm married. Ugh.

I'm gonna go break wieners off statues.

Welcome back. My credit card got declined at the sex store.

We ran off with only the stuff we could keister.

Our next love story is Romeo and Juliet,

a 500-year-old tale about horny preteens

that society somehow decided is classy and not perverted,

even though two middle schoolers bang in it. Enjoy.

Two households, both alike in dignity,

in fair Verona where we lay our scene.

Well, I'd say Verona's better than fair.

They's gettin' a Shake Shack this summer.

Ooh, milkshakes and crinkly fries.

Gonna have myself a pooch-belly if I's not careful.

I'm sorry, y'all.

I done chatterboxed my way through the whole prologue.

Boy, this is nice.

Will there ever be a more popular Italian city

- than Verona? - I don't know.

Are we even supposed to be at this party?

If they find out we're Montagues,

they might razz us!

Relax. No one's gonna recognize us.

We got inch-wide masks over just our eyes,

with the rest of our faces plainly visible.

We're fine.

You wanted to see me, Daddy?

Juliet, honey, we need to talk.

You're a grown woman now,

and it's time for you to get married.

Grown woman?! Daddy, I'm 13.

Shh. Uh, don't say that.

Tell people you're 11!

Do you want to get married or not?!

Fine.

Now, I found you the most eligible bachelor

in all of Italy.

He's from the Boyardee family. Kind of a big deal.

My family makes the best canned sugar pastas in all the land.

Are you out of breath from saying one sentence?

Just give me a second.

I'm in the midst of a full-on, lockdown sodium headache.

I haven't peed for 36 hours.

Whew. Okay.

Now, fair Juliet, let our houses join together,

like beef... and roni.

Ah, cool!

Shakespeare.

What... what is that?

It says "hole."

I don't get it.

You wrote "butt."

Okay.

I'll... I'll come over there.

Hey, there's something I want you to see.

Some greaseball at the bar just drew a guy in a circle.

It's amazing. He's this, and then he's this.

You-you just... y-you got to come see it!

Romeo, we got to get out of here!

Tybalt found out we're Montagues, and he's pissed.

Oh, man, I-I must have amnesia or something,

'cause I don't (bleep) remember inviting you guys.

- Who are you here with? - Uh... Tony?

Gonna have to do better than that, man.

Lot of Tonys here.

Oh, did I say "Tony"?

I-I meant... I'm Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago.

You're Abe Froman, the sausage king of Chicago?

That's right.

Hello?

Yes, I'm looking for Abe Froman,

the sausage king of Chicago.

Heavyset fellow, glasses.

Oh, w-well, he's right here.

Let me just... Wait a minute!

We don't have phones or Chicago!

All right, you got to die.

Enough! You three, out of my house!

I will not play host to some family feud!

100 people surveyed.

Top five answers are on the board.

Name something you might say to a damned spot.

Out.

- Good answer! Good answer! - Ah, good answer, good answer.

Yeah, yeah, good answer.

Show me "out"!

What?! That's impossible!

Romeo, name something you might say to a damned spot.

Hello.

- What?! - I know this audience.