Hatchet

Come on, Pa. We've been out here over three hours.

We don't even know where the hell she went.

She's at least a 12-footer

if I ever saw one.

No. I ain't leaving here without her.

And I'm cold.

Shh! Shut your hole.

Come on, man. Can we pull over?

- I gotta take a piss. - Go off the side of the boat.

- Come on. - We ain't beachin' it.

Shit.

Jesus.

Oh come on, man. I can't go like this.

- Why in the hell not? - Well, 'cause it's weird

with you sittin' there like that.

Just keep it down, would ya?

See? No matter what I say, it's "Shut up, Ainsley," or "You're queer, Ainsley,"

or "Why can't you be more like your sister, Ainsley?"

I said shut up, you little queer!

See? See that?

Asshole.

- What'd you say, boy? - Nothin'.

Don't make me throw you in the swamp now.

Yeah, you go--

Jesus Christ!

Jesus, son! What happened?

She tried to bite my sack off!

You let her get away, you moron!

Well, what the hell was I supposed to do?

For crying out loud!

Can we just pull over so I can finish my damn piss?

Lord!

Y'all hurry up now!

Goddamn queer's got to squat to take a leak.

Oh shit.

Keep still, Ainsley.

I think she's back.

Well, what should I do?

Don't make a sound.

Just stay right there.

Oh.

Pa?

Did you get her?

Pa?

Maybe we can go home now?

Pops!

Pa!

Pa? Pa?

Oh! Pa!

Come on!

Come and get it, you bitch!

I'll kill you!

Oh God!

It hurts!

Oh God! Help me!

? Everything has been said before ?

? Nothing left to say anymore ?

? When it's all the same ?

? You can ask for it by name ?

? Babble babble, bitch bitch, rebel rebel, party party ?

? Sex sex sex and don't forget the violence ?

? Blah blah blah, got your lovey-dovey sad-and-lonely ?

? Stick your stupid slogan in, everybody sing along ?

? Babble babble, bitch bitch, rebel rebel, party party ?

? Sex sex sex and don't forget the violence ?

? Blah blah blah, got your lovey-dovey sad-and-lonely ?

? Stick your stupid slogan in, everybody sing ?

? Are you motherfuckers ready for the new shit? ?

? Stand stand up and admit tomorrow's never coming ?

? This is the new shit ?

? Stand up and admit ?

- ? Do we get it? ? - ? No ?

- ? Do we want it? ? - ? Yeah ?

? This is the new shit ?

? Stand up and admit, and now it's you-know-who ?

? I got the you-know-what, you can stick it you-know-where ?

? You know why, you don't care, now it's you-know-who ?

? I got the you-know-what, you can stick it you-know-where ?

? You know why, you don't care, now it's you-know-who ?

? I got the you-know-what, you can stick it you-know-where ?

? You know why, you don't care, now it's you-know-who ?

? I got the you-know-what, you can stick it you-know-where ?

? You know why, you don't care, yeah ?

? So let ?

? Us ?

? Entertain you ?

? So let ?

? Us ?

? Entertain you ?

- ? Everybody sing along ? - ? So let ?

? Us ?

? Entertain you ?

- ? Everybody sing along ? - ? So let ?

? Us ?

- ? Entertain you ? - ? Blah blah blah blah blah ?

? Everybody sing along. ?

I need some beads.

Cheer up, man. This is Mardi Gras!

- This is fun! - I'm having a blast.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Right here, right here, right here.

Look at that. Oh! Look at those boobs right there.

Hey!

For something new, right?

Haven't you seen enough boobs?

I'm just not feeling this. I-- I should've stayed at home.

What, so you can sit in your room and cry about Heather?

- Christine. - Ben, man, we came down here

to have a good time. You? You're fighting it.

There's fun all around you! Stop standing there like a bitch.

How is this fun? This place is disgusting.

Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls, man.

Everybody's just drunk and looking for a fight.

You! You threw up six times yesterday. How do you even do that?

You guys just stay and have fun, all right?

- I'm gonna go find something to do. - What, by yourself?

DeWitt and Robinson told me about this haunted swamp tour thing

that they did last year. They said it was amazing.

You see all these like floating lights and stuff on the water.

Just--

You want to leave all of this

to go Look at some damn lights in a swamp?

You don't have to come with me, Marcus.

Look, I'll see you guys back at the hotel.

Cool.

- Ben, wait up, wait up, man. - No. Marcus, no.

- Go hang out with-- - No, I'm going with you. It's cool.

Thanks, man. Buddy, you're gonna be so psyched you did this.

I think I'd rather skin my own dick.

- Right. It's official. - Here it is.

No more chicks.

They're closed.

No, they can't be closed.

But indeed they are. There's a big "closed" sign.

And it's-- you're still knocking.

All right. This sucks.

No, it doesn't suck. It's gonna be cool.

- For you 'cause you suck. - Shut up.

I'm just saying.

What do you want?

Uh...

we wanted to do a haunted swamp tour.

I don't do night tours anymore.

I'm not allowed to.

Oh, it's just that our friends told us

that you did one here last year.

I can't do night tours anymore.

Insurance got too high

after what happened.

- Too bad. Let's roll. - Wait wait wait wait.

Uh... what happened?

Oh...

you don't want to know.

I so do.

Here we go.

I had a tour group

out in the swamp

last Halloween.

It was the mist of night.

- Yeah? - And there was this kid--

he looked kind of like you.

He got spooked by something in the marsh.

He saw two eyes staring at him from the woods.

Chilled him to his very marrow.

He wanted to get off the boat in a hurry...

and he had his foot

dangling over the edge.

- He-- - He fell in?

- A gator got him? - What happened?

He slipped,

hit his head

right on the roof

and sued me for negligence!

- That cocksucker! - That's it?

Try Marie Laveau...

- Excuse me? - ...two blocks east

on Olive Street. But you didn't hear it from me.

I have to go tend to my birds.

Be careful walking on my sidewalk!

- Whoa whoa, come on, man. Wait. - What?

It's dead as hell down there, all right?

Fun party-- bad badness.

- Wait, Ben! - Come on.

This is so lame! How is this gonna help you get over her?

Marcus, this whole scene back here, it's just--

every hot half-naked chick I see

reminds me of Christine, you know?

Probably getting banged by that Bulkowski guy

in our living room bent over that beige loveseat

that my mom bought her.

What happened to dating a normal guy?

That guy's got a neck the size of a truck.

And that whole cauliflower ear? That's weird.

- Is he gonna wrestle her to submission? - All right, stop stop.

All right, okay.

- I don't want to think about Bulkowski. - I don't either.

- I get it. - Come on, man. This is gonna be fun.

Guess there ain't no chicks at the swamp.

- I won't be needing these. - It'll be fun.

- About as fun as crabs. - Yeah, you would know.

Screw that waitress from Fezziwig's, man.