The Outlaws

Now, some people think Community Payback is an easy option,

a soft touch.

It ain't.

You chewing gum?

Don't know. Let's check.

Yeah. It's gum.

Get rid of it.

Anything else you need doing? Yep.

Pick it up, put it in the bin.

What, are you serious, mate?

Unless you want five more hours,

pick it up, put it in the bin.

I can be a good guy or I can be a mean bastard.

Your choice.

Let's go.

Come.

I just wondered if there was any update on my case, sir.

Your case?

The villain I unmasked.

The gun I uncovered. You stumbled upon it while taking a dump,

Miss Marple, let's not get carried away.

I was thinking I could run Christian's file

around to Sergeant Haines. The police already have access

to our database, Diane, there's no need for you to run anything

anywhere. I really feel like I can assist with this case, sir.

In fact, Sergeant Haines personally asked me to apply to become a police

community support officer. Aren't they just glorified traffic wardens?

No. No, my point is she's asked for my help.

Well, why don't you held by letting the police do their job

and you do yours?

Yeah, but sir... Let it go, Diane.

That's an order.

Anonymous call tipped off the duty nurse.

Was found around the corner from A&E.

In surgery for three hours.

Can he talk?

Not yet.

What are his chances?

50/50.

His name's Aiden Haswell,

nicknamed Spider, unsurprisingly.

He's a lieutenant in the Brookhill crew.

You think this was a hit?

Might be.

The gun we found in out that community service place

was a CZ 75 semi-automatic.

I'm waiting to find out if the bullet they pulled out is a match.

Want some toast?

What's wrong with him?

Can I have my phone back, please?

Thank you.

Rani, I can't remember what we talked about.

My head is buzzing, I can't think.

Oh, God.

Can you call me back, please?

The great Persian poet Rumi once said... Only from the heart

can we touch the sky.

Pryvet Fest comes from the heart.

Let's touch the sky.

What do you want?

Hey, how's it going?

Fine, thanks for calling. Have a nice life. No, wait.

How did the exam go? Was it OK?

Are you being serious right now? What do you mean?

You said you were my friend and I could trust you,

but that was lies. You can trust me.

So why are you trying to put my brother in jail?

Es, he had a gun.

Only because he was trying to help me.

But you wouldn't know that because you didn't stop to ask.

You just did us dirty like everyone else always does.

Don't call us again.

Es!

Agh! Christ. Greg-head, what are you working on? That's private.

Well, let me see. What are you... Ah, there he is. The man everyone's

calling Captain Ahab. Why are they calling me Captain Ahab, sir?

Cos you're always looking for dick?

Because you're the man who landed the big whale. Yeah, he did,

but he paid 100 quid for her. I'm talking about Lady Gabby,

our star client. Right. Yeah. Top floor are singing your praises.

Since you brought her in, we've had interest from some other big names.

Can you say who, sir? Peter Andre has been in touch.

A couple of footballers,

and we think we might have that TV presenter who's been touching kids.

Fantastic. I'm having drinks and nibbles at my place tomorrow night.

If you're free, you should come along. Bring her ladyship.

I will, sir. Thank you, sir.

I've started the conversation upstairs about you and the P word.

What's the P word? Pervert?

Partner. Carry on, Ahab.

Sir, you know this...

Hi. So, what I've done is...

Hey, Greg, thanks for the money laundering and forging documents.

You should get a pint when you come out of jail.

Have you got your story straight?

Chillax. You're wound up like an eight-day clock?

Well, OK, first of all, you're far too old to say chillax.

Secondly, don't tell me to chillax because if you blow this,

we are both in the shitter.

Yeah. Your father's here.

Fuck! What does your dad drink?

Er...

Jameson. Jimmy. Why does it have to...

Dad!

Thank you for coming in.

So, I'd like you to meet...

Howard Cherry. Pleasure. Privilege to meet you, sir.

John Halloran. Thanks for the meeting.

Of course, I'm sure you want to see who your son's

getting in the sack with, so to speak.

Well, you can't ever be too careful.

You sing two choruses of that, and a lot of gum beans out there.

Gum beans?

How's a Yank come to be using a term like that?

My neighbours in Queens were Kellys.

Second generation off the famine ship

and straight into the heart of Sunnyside. Old Ma Kelly,

she kept a portrait of JFK next to the Virgin Mary.

She'd give them both a kiss before bed.

Oh, thank you.

So, Mr Cherry,

what's your interest in a small business like mine?

Ours, Dad. Please, call me Howard.

I come up in a time and a place when it meant something to do

an honest day's work and Irish, Italians, Polacks,

shoulder by shoulder, making something.

You could hold in your hands. Nowadays, you have to search

to find something to invest in

that hasn't been built by an Asian robot.

They say that's the future, but I can't sit down

with an Asian robot, pour him a drink, ask him,

"How's your wife and kids?"

What's your tipple?

I'd take a Jimmy neat, if I thought you'd joined me.

Make it two.

And call me John. Thank you, John.

Bloody hell, you grew up in Downton Abbey?

It's not Downton Abbey, it's called Wyndham Park.

And, yes. I was seven and then I went to boarding school.

You went to boarding school at seven?

Yes. Daddy wanted the best education for me.

Daddy is a 16th Earl of Gloucestershire.

You know how to address an earl, right?

Yeah.

No. What's an earl again?

An earl is above a viscount but below a marquis.

Oh, OK.

No, that doesn't help.

You address an earl as "Your Lordship"

when you first meet him, and then it's "Sir" after that.

And how will I dress a lord?

Your Lordship.

So, why isn't an earl "Your Earlship"?

I don't know.

It makes no sense.

It does make sense, Greg.

A lord, an earl, a viscount a marquis or a baron,

they are all Your Lordship. What about a duke?

Your Grace. You're right, it makes perfect sense.

Is that a good idea?

Just to help me focus. Want some?

No, I'm good for focus, thank you.

You've got some focus on your nose.

Yep.

Is he ready for us?

Don't shake Daddy's hand.

He'll offer his hand if he wants to shake yours.

Thanks very much. > I think that went really well. >

Daddy!

Hello, my dear.

Ah.

Let me look at you.

Have you lost weight?

Yes, a little bit, Daddy.

Well, I thought so. You look good.

You're a tall drink of water.

This is Greg, my consiglieri.

Consiglieri!

Who did you use to work for? The Godfather?

Ho! It's an honour to meet you, Your Holiness.

Your Lordship, my lordship, my lordship, your lord.

I'm Greg, I'm the new legal counsel for Gabby.

I'm terribly busy, darling.

I can't give you much time.

Sebastian says you have a proposal for me.

Yes.

Good. Come along.

Just take a few seconds.

It can't have been easy back in the day for an Irish man to build

such a fine business here in Britain,

let alone a Catholic from the Short Strand.

Things were rough.

There were signs saying No... no blacks, no dogs, no Irish.

Although I never understood

why the Irish were lumped in with the blacks.

The Irish are grafters.

Blacks do nothing but bellyache and beg for hand-outs.

Anyway, a toast to all the honest grafters.

I'll drink to that.

Slainte.