The Wonder Years

What would you do if I sang out of tune?

Would you stand up and walk out on me?

Lay on me your ears and I'll sing you a song.

I will try not to sing out of key.

Oh, baby, how can I?

I have a little help from my friend.

All I need is my buddy.

I have a little help from my friend.

I say I'm gonna get high.

I have a little help from my friend.

Oh, yeah.

From the moment a father first lays eyes on his daughter, she's forever daddy's little girl.

Thank heaven for little girl.

And he's forever her hero.

Get bigger every day.

A giver of gifts.

Thank heaven for little girl.

A grantor of wishes.

They grow up in the most delightful way.

A knight in shining armor.

Those little eyes so helpless and appealing.

One day we'll flash and send you crashing through the ceiling.

And in return, she gives to him that love and respect which is special between dads and their girls.

I can't stand living in this house.

Well, where the hell were you last night?

Look, will you stop giving me the third degree?

Of course, for my sister and my father.

That special love and respect took the form of... I waited up half the night.

You don't have to wait up for me.

Guerilla warfare.

I left the damn porch light on until all hours.

Do you have any idea how much that cost?

Sorry, take it out of my allowance.

But the week of my sister's birthday, they brought out the heavy artillery.

Your curfew is 11.

You want to be grounded?

I don't believe this.

I'm 18!

Not until Sunday, you're not.

During that week, Mom was sort of like the U.N., trying to mediate the warring factions.

Boysenberry syrup?

And failing miserably.

Why is she always on my case?

Well, uh... Why can't she ever listen?

Me?

I was kind of like... Oh.

Switzerland.

Can't we just eat our breakfast in peace?

Now where are you going?

To school.

As for Wayne and myself, we'd learn to keep a low profile during these skirmishes.

Kevin, Wayne.

Clean up the dishes, take out the garbage.

Because you never knew when you might get hit by a stray bullet.

Kevin, I want those leaves raked and bagged tomorrow.

Your turn to wash, butthead.

The fact was, whenever Dad had an axe to grind with Karen, he ended up grinding it on us.

Kevin, you might want to leave some of that pencil.

Oh.

Sorry.

Not that I was going to let family problems interfere.

With my social life.

Kevin, there's something wrong.

Winnie, I can't go to the movies with you tomorrow afternoon.

Oh.

My dad's making me work in the yard because he's mad at Karen again.

Oh.

Boy, that's too bad.

You bet it was.

Anyone with half a brain would agree that... Your dad's been pretty hard on Karen.

Chicks always stick together.

Winnie, isn't that a little unfair?

Karen stays out all night, and I end up breaking the leaves.

Yeah.

It is unfair.

Karen's told of curfew.

No, she's not.

She's only 18.

18's an adult.

Fine.

Throw the law in my face.

She'll be in college next year.

So what's that mean?

That she doesn't have to listen to my father anymore?

Well, does he ever listen to her?

Yeah, of course.

I'm not listening to this.

No grades, no exams.

Daddy, it's a very good school.

What the hell kind of college?

But it wasn't that Dad didn't listen.

He listened.

He just didn't like what he heard.

Will you please tell him this isn't the Stone Age anymore?

What's that supposed to mean?

The thing is, I was beginning to see a pattern.

Whenever Karen said one thing... Well, this is where I'm going.

Dad said the other.

Now, while I'm paying for it... And vice versa.

Fine.

Then I won't go to college.

Oh, you're going all right.

And I'm sending you.

State has a lovely campus.

Excuse me.

Armed with my newfound observations about the nature of interpersonal communication,

it was time to come to the rescue.

It seems to me that you two should...

Kevin, stay out of this.

Okay.

Glad I could be of help.

Wait a minute.

At least, as a visual aid.

Your brother's going to college, your other brother's going to college,

and you're going to college.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Hey, I didn't... Well, maybe I'll travel.

See the world.

Go to the college of life.

What do you know about life?

I know plenty about life.

I'll go to Europe.

And who's going to pay for that?

In a way, you almost had the feeling they didn't want to be rescued.

You are so narrow-minded.

Watch yourself, young lady.

The funny thing is, the closer it got to Karen's birthday... I'm the one who's going to go to the school.

The worse it got.

For all of us.

You think it's safe to go out?

I wouldn't, unless you want to clean out the downspouts.

Sound reasoning.

It seemed like every time Dad and Karen passed each other in the hall, it meant.

...

Boys?

More slave labor.

Dad, I raked the leaves.

I straightened out the garage.

I walked the dog.

Oh.

There, we'd stumped him.

Not a chore left unchored.

In that case, come on.

Uh-oh.

This did not bode well.

If Dad couldn't make us work, he wouldn't be able to do it.

He was gonna make us play.

Okay, let's hit a few.

Golf.

Talk about punishment.

Now we were gonna find out just how bad the argument had been.

Yep, must have been a doozy.

Your turn, Kev.

Let's see your stance.

Not like that.

Still, maybe this wasn't all bad.

You gotta turn your grip over.

Maybe hanging out with the guys, imparting strength, secret grips,

was just the thing to bring Dad's blood pressure down.

Got it?

I think so.

Hey, there you go.

I guess it was easier for Dad to communicate with the Arnold men because we were, well, men.

Uh-huh.

Nothing like whacking around the old pro-flight to forge new and lasting bonds.

Maybe we ought to get you guys to start a set.

No thanks.

Sure.

A small price to pay for a little good cheer.

Matter of fact, maybe we'll come again.

Maybe bring your mom.

Maybe your sis.

Karen, a space girl playing golf.

Hey, leave your sister alone.

She's not so bad.

She means well.

Well, well.

Not so bad?

Means well?

Why couldn't he tell her that?

Come on.

Let's hit another bucket.

All right.

Still, it was too bad Karen wasn't Arnold Palmer.

Pass me the popcorn, huh?

Sure, Dad.

Because I hadn't seen Dad this calm in over a week.

I like this show.

Me too.

Me too.

Yep, this was just like old times.

So, Mom, we gonna have a birthday cake for Karen?

A cake?

I don't want a cake.

Sure you do.

No, really.

I don't.

I don't want a party either.

Well, honey, it's not exactly... What are you talking about?