Holidate

Fucking holidays.

Hmm.

Merry Christmas.

Ah! This is what you wear to Christmas dinner?

Don't you even own a dress?

I'm great, Mom. Thanks.

House looks beautiful.

Well, your Aunt Susan brought at-the-mall-Santa home.

And your nephew just pooped in the manger.

Ugh. It was a tiny poop,

and he moved the baby Jesus first.

-Hi. -Hi.

Merry Christmas.

-Gingerbread elf? -Oh!

-Wow. -Hey.

Um, Rodney said you didn't call him.

I'm sorry, but I cannot date a professional clown.

I'd never sleep.

Jesus, Sloane, it's been six months. You gotta get back out there.

How does she expect to meet anybody

when she sits around the house wearing pajamas?

It's called working remote, Mother.

My boss doesn't care what I wear as long as I meet my quota.

He does, however, request that my mother stop FaceTiming me during business hours.

You're not still smoking, are you?

Uh... No, Mom. I'm not still smoking.

I had a smoky Uber.

Well, I know the holidays can be stressful,

but no man wants to marry a smoker...

who lies.

Well, no man wants a bitchy mother-in-law.

So, I guess that's three strikes.

Woo-hoo hoo-hoo!

You know it's a holiday when my sister shows up alone.

-Don't rub it in. She's obviously sad. -Stop it.

I'm not sad.

Are you sure? You look really sad.

Uh-uh.

I'm not sad.

Boom! One sanitized manger.

Aw, Sloane.

You didn't call Rodney?

Isn't he great?

-Hmm. -I met him at the mall.

You'd be surprised at the quality of men you can meet at the mall.

I don't think I would actually.

Relax.

It's not like I'm going to marry him.

He's just my holidate.

A "holidate?"

You know, a date solely for the holiday.

No commitment.

Want me to see if he has a friend?

Don't be nervous. They'll love you.

Your parents know this is only our third date, right?

Oh, my God. It's not a big deal.

Actually, I don't think they know you're coming.

-Hi! Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas!

Oh, and you must be Jackson.

You're even more handsome than in the pictures.

Pictures?

Oh, and her first time on Santa's lap.

She peed right through to Santa's leg.

Ah, first ballet recital and...

Oh!

this is the day she got her first period.

Charming.

Oh, and this one...

was for Little Miss Evanston.

You should know,

Carly's father and I are perfectly comfortable

with you two sleeping together in here.

Oh, no. It's fine.

I won't be staying over.

Nonsense.

You're practically family.

Fuck am I?

- Sloane. -Yeah?

Stop being a baby. We can put the leaf in.

No, thank you. I prefer the singles table.

All right, kids, let's check on presents. Come on. Let's go.

So...

Aunt Sloane, why didn't you call Rodney?

Why didn't you call Rodney?

Because I already have a boyfriend.

His name is Levi,

and he shares his juice box with me every day at recess.

Good for you, Daisy.

You enjoy it while you can,

because one day you are gonna walk outside,

and you're gonna catch Levi sharing his juice box

with a Starbucks barista named "Rainbow."

Yeah, it's not a good day, Daisy.

It hurts.

It hardens you.

And the next thing you know,

you're just south of 30,

sitting at the kids table, numbing the pain with a vodka.

God, my parents love you!

What the hell is wrong with you? You told them--

-You told your parents we're a couple? -Oh, come on.

You know you like me.

You wouldn't be here on a major holiday

-if you didn't like me. -I--

A Clapper?

Look, I told you my parents are in Australia.

- -I didn't have any other...

...plans.

Ooh!

-Hey! -Ah!

-Pajamas. -Yes!

I thought they were so cute and cozy for, like, a girl's night in.

Hey!

-Pants. -They're khakis!

Because golfers love khakis, right?

I didn't know the size so I got three, but you can exchange them.

Pants...

-and a project. -

Thanks!

I'm sorry. I really didn't...

think we're doing the whole present thing.

Why would you think that?

Because you said we're not doing the whole present thing.

Oh!

I see. So, you know me well enough to cum in my mouth,

but you don't know me well enough to get me a Christmas present?

I--

I could give you some cash. I've got, what--

What have I got left? Forty bucks?

Forty bucks?

What am I, a prostitute?

No! God, no!

Absolutely not. What the--

I'll take 80.

I'm not giving you $80.

But we had sex, Jackson! Twice!

I cannot believe that you didn't get me a Christmas present!

I can't believe

that you'd ambush me like this in front of your parents!

Actually, you know what? I can.

'Cause chicks go mental on the holidays.

Lovely evening, guys. Beautiful dinner. Have a merry Christmas.

Cheers.

- -

Could I have everyone's attention?

There's something that I need to say.

Who wants dessert?

Oh!

Oh!

Elizabeth Kimberly Chen...

Fuck no.

I know it's been only been three months

and six heavenly days,

but I feel like I've known you my entire life.

Will you make me the happiest man in the world

and marry me?

Oh, my gosh! -

Yes!

Yes, I'll marry you!

-Two down, one to go! -Congratulations.

-Best Christmas ever! -Yes!

Wow, this is... awesome.

My little brother getting married.

Wow! I just...

love these pajamas.

- What’s the hold up? - This is ridiculous.

I've been in line over half an hour. Please--

I'm sorry, without a gift receipt I can only offer you a store credit.

I don't want a store credit.

I want to never have to return to this store.

We have some really cute stuff. Have you tried our authentic skinny jeans?

Excuse me!

Come on, dude!

Crocodile Dundee,

some of us have jobs.

Dundee. Original.

Hang on. What makes you think I don't have a job?

You're at the mall on a Wednesday

returning slacker pants.

Uh... These happen to be khakis.

Lots of employed people wear khaki pants.

Hopefully, you mean khakis and still don't care.

Hi, there. I just have a quick return.

Hey!

-Receipt? -They didn't come with a receipt.

Just the assumption that I would be alone forever

and, apparently, gorge myself into the size of a lumberjack.

Nailed it.

You know what? My Christmas already sucked.

So, you can go "nail it" somewhere else.

Uh, I need to go check on these.

I'll give you 40 bucks for those khakis, and a Fresh Pretzel, two-for-one.

This is like 80 bucks worth of pants.

No deal.