Weeds

You are an awesome lay.

So let's do it.

I'm sick of living in a fuckless marriage.

Well, with what you have between your legs, it's a waste.

It's like having this great big boat and no lake to sail it in.

Be my lake.

Chill the fuck out. There's a lot of people in front of you.

Well, if you're talking that kind of money, I suppose we could move you up.

Right on, man.

Nine o'clock this morning, our stash was valued at about 300 G's.

But the market's making the bull run.

So, if we just hold off for, say, another week,

we should know half a mil easy.

Do you think that you can string

Agent Wonder Bread along for one more week?

-I'll just tell him my Aunt Ruby's in town. -Who?

Never mind. I string him along.

It'll be over.

He brought me oranges this morning.

Half a million, huh?

Fucking shame.

What Viagra was for Pfizer,

Milfweed could have been for us.

Yeah. Fucking shame.

I'm gonna use my cut to start my own grow house.

I did it once. I can do it again, better.

Hey, gang. I'm glad you're both here.

I'm starting my own hedge fund, and I'm looking for investors.

Why don't you come look at this?

Did you know that there are amazing opportunities

to be had in the exploitation of emerging third-world countries?

There are 370 billionaires in this country

and 40 million people living beneath the poverty line.

Wake up, 7-Eleven, this is the fucking third world.

-How do you know all that stuff? -The Daily Show.

-My God! -Get on the fucking ground.

What the hell are you doing?

No more games. No more bullshit.

-I want the marriage certificate. -What?

I want the certificate or your boyfriend here

is going to be just another dead nigger drug dealer!

It's too late. I sent it in. We're on record.

My wife?

My wife.

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm Agent Wonder Bread.

All right, fuck it.

Fuck the marriage certificate.

Here's how we're going to play it, now.

Take your last harvest, get a single buyer,

make a quick deal, and then hand all the cash over to me.

Every goddamn last penny.

And then I want you to make every effort to ensure

that I never see you again.

All of it?

If you prefer prison to giving up your payday,

I'll take you down.

And if I go too, it serves me right,

because I laid everything on the line for you,

and you fucked me.

See you soon.

Give me your fucking phone.

You hear me now, motherfucker? You hear me?

-Did you sleep in the guest room? -No.

-Then where were you? -Fucking Doug.

-What'd he do now? -Me.

Celia, what the hell are you talking about?

I'm leaving you.

The marriage is over. I want a divorce.

I'm having an affair with Doug.

It's official. You've lost your mind.

Where do you think that I've been all these nights?

Why do you think I've been so happy?

-Doug Wilson? -I think it's best if you move out.

I hear the Oakwood in Burbank is very nice.

-Doug hates you. -Doug loves me now.

-Unbelievable. -Why?

You are so the kind of guy this stuff happens to.

-Who's gonna tell lsabelle? -We'll tell her together.

I want to live with Dad!

-How do you spell "hypocrisy"? -This is boring.

Shane, I have to go out somewhere for a couple of hours.

Lupita's in her room. Andy's someplace.

-Are you okay? -I'm fine.

You look anxious.

I'm fine.

-Hi, Mrs. Botwin. -Hi, Gretchen.

Shane's right. You look anxious.

I'm fine. I'll be home soon.

-Your mom's weird. -I know.

-How do you spell "Gomorrah"? -Who cares?

-Let's get drunk! -Drunk?

Hey, guys. What's going on?

-Hi, Kat. -Hi.

-I'm Shane's girlfriend. -Lucky you!

It's our one-week anniversary.

Oh, my gosh. I am so happy for you guys.

The first week is so hard

but if you haven't slept with someone else by now,

it's a pretty good sign.

Hey, buddy. Your mom gave me orders.

We got to go to the mall and pick you out a graduation suit.

I'm coming.

I could take this a lot of places.

-I come to you out of respect. -Respect, my ass.

You came to me 'cause you in trouble.

Yes. Yes, I am.

And despite the fact that you threatened

to kill me and orphan my children,

you're still the only person I can make this offer to that I trust.

Hold on.

Come on. Let's go! Gonna be late.

Don't look at me like that. I know your mama, now.

So what you got to say?

Buy our harvest.

Bargain-basement prices.

Walk away with six months' worth of the best shit in town,

double, triple your investment.

And who am I supposed to sell it to, these kids here?

I know your game is shut down. Take it back East.

You're always talking about buying a place next to your sister's in Detroit.

So, now I'm supposed to traffic across state lines.

Ain't that genius?

Take a business it took me 20 years to build

and just pick it up and move it someplace else.

You tell me you getting the shakedown from Mr. Federal Agent?

Well, good. Welcome to the fucking party.

-Conrad know you come to see me? -No. You buying or not?

You two like them big companies pumping toxic shit in the air

and then acting all surprised when the ice caps melt

and hurricanes drown New Orleans.

Fuck you. I drive a Prius.

Hey, Vaneeta.

Conrad in it up to his bald fucking head.

We going to jail.

She's just so awesome.

Uncle Andy, do you love Kat?

No. No, no.

Then why are you with her?

She makes me crazy and she makes me crazy.

Will you stop hitting on my boyfriend?

-Hold him too tight, and he'll turn to dust. -Bite me.

All right. Gloves off. You want a piece of me?

It's all fucked up but it's never boring, you know?

Look at this. See that scar?

She stabbed me with an icicle

when she thought I kicked one of her spirit animals.

-What's a spirit animal? -Who the fuck knows? Ten stitches.

But she keeps me on my toes, all eight of them.

When I'm with her, I'm alive.

It's him. We better go out the back.

-It's him. -Who?

-Abumchuk. -The Eskimo?

He's big.

Yeah, he wears a size 15 mukluk. It's go time.

We're gonna take this one.

Who are you?

I'm a businesswoman.