Daddy Longlegs

- Hi. - Uh, two hot dogs.

Uh, mustard, onion, sauerkraut, and a large piña colada.

Okay.

- Yes? - Yeah, let me have one foot-long.

- One? - Yeah, foot-long.

1.50.

- Do you have a foot-long hot dog? - No foot-long dog.

Oh, man. Um, yeah, I'll just have two regular ones then.

- Two hot dogs on same bun? - Yeah, just like that.

- Gimme two. - Yeah.

- Can I have some ketchup on that? - Ketchup?

Okay.

Holy shit.

Holy shit. Okay.

Yeah, baby! Yeah!

Yeah!

Fuck.

- What's happening, Alex? - Oh, hey, Lenny. Um...

- My mom talked to - - Have you seen - Have you seen Sage?

No, but my mom talked to Sage's mom and told her I could go to your house.

- Whoa! - Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Excuse me.

- Are you their father? - Yes.

Okay. Well, you have some parenting to do.

- Really? I have some parenting to do? - Yes.

- Yes, you do. - Okay, who are you?

I'm the principal of this school. Mr. Puccio.

- Puccio? - I assume that you're their father.

I don't think this is a matter for laughter right now.

- Let me tell you what happened today. - I suggest you do that.

First of all, Frey assaulted his math teacher.

Okay, the kid is the size of a two-year-old, all right?

So I don't know what kind of ruckus he'd be causing in your classroom.

Kids do not assault teachers, okay?

And then, wait. Let me show you something else.

- Take a look at this. - No.

All right. Just shut your mouth. Shut up.

Holy sh...

- This is fucking disgusting. - Okay, that is hair -

Excuse me. Do not use that kind of language here.

Don't reprimand me in front of my children.

That hair came from -

Do not reprimand me in front of my own kids, all right?

Excuse me. That hair came from one of his classmates, Brandon, in the recess yard.

- Yeah, but Brandon was beating up - - Calm down a second.

I'd like to hear what happened. All right, Sage?

Brandon was beating up Johnny. I don't like that.

You know what, Mr. Sokol?

Maybe this would be more productive if you came back with their mother.

All right, come on, guys.

What are you doing?

- What? What are you doing? - I'm -

You know, we have things to do, okay?

I'm sorry. It was nice to see you. You'll see him at school tomorrow, okay?

But wait. But my mom isn't here yet.

No moms, no playdates, nothing today, okay?

- Yeah, but wait - - And you? What is this? What is this?

- Brandon was teasing - - You know what? Pull his hair.

Pull his hair.

- No. - Pull his hair! Pull it!

- Ow! - You like that?

- You like how that feels? - Oh, shame!

You like how it feels?

Come on.

It's disgusting!

Ooh! Hey, guys. I always wanted a blond mustache.

How do I look? Fancy, y'all?

Yeah, that's hilarious. Henny Youngman over here. Come on.

How you doing, sir? Can you spare some change?

How's it going, partner?

I'm trying to make some money to get something to eat.

- Something to eat? - Yes, sir. Yes, I am.

A lot of guys act like they're vets, and they're really not vets.

I was stationed at Fort Jackson.

- 1968. 101st Airborne. - Is that Virginia?

No, it's Columbia, South Carolina.

- The ditches? - Yeah.

Tank Hill.

Tell you what. I'm just gonna leave $20 in my pocket so I can get home.

But I'll be back to check on you though, man.

I won't be here. I'll be in a hotel somewhere, and I'll be eating.

It's on you, brother. You're talking to a fellow vet.

Thank you.

- Has anybody seen Frey? - No.

I think I saw him earlier.

All right. I'm sure he'll catch up with us.

Hey, Alex. What time's your bedtime?

- Um, 8:00. I like it. It's early. - Really?

- Sage, tell him what time you go to bed. - 11:00.

See, because he's a grown-up, that's why.

Wow! You must be tired when you wake up, Sage.

Yeah, right.

- Spare some change? - Sorry, man.

Ask this guy. He's the breadwinner.

- Um, excuse me, I have to - - Young man, can you spare some change?

We're in the middle of a conversation.

- Excuse me, I - - What?

I have to use that round bowl with water in it that you urinate in.

Toilet. In there.

- Exactly. I forgot the name. - I been sitting here all day-

You're addressing the wrong guy. This is the bank.

- Show him what you got. - You got a credit card?

Don't give it to him.

I said show it to him.

I bet you got some money in your pocket. I bet you got some money.

Hey, ain't he got money in his pocket? He gave you all that, right?

I bet you got some money in your pockets.

Look, you don't want them to see you looking bad like that. Come on.

Look, man. I'm playing with my kids.

You asked for money. We don't have any. I'm playing with my kids.

So just a little distance, all right? Good luck.

Come on. I been sitting here on my ass all day!

- Haven't got no money. - Yeah, well, I've been on my feet all day.

Oh, shit. Get it, get it, quick!

All right. All right, come on.

Forget the money. Come on, guys! Forget it!

Coming.

Frey, over on my side. Don't walk behind me.

All right, no joking. No joking when we cross the street.

Hold on to my belt loops.

I can't see Sage!

Are you holding on to my belt?

Hey, buddy.

- Wave. - What's shaking, buddy?

This is for real.

- How does your serve... - This one counts.

- Can you just serve already? - The score is 10-0.

- No. - No.

- What is it, 0-0? - Shut up! Just play!

Okay.

Shoot it!

Shoot it!

Aw, Swiss cheese.

Guys, that's pathetic.

I'm serving.

All right, this is gonna be even more pathetic.

All right, I got it, I got it!

Whoa, whoa. That's how somebody's gonna get hurt.

Hey. Hey!

Give me the ball.

Give me the ball.

I feel like we're playing in slow motion.

What is this, the time-out corner?

All right. I can't play by myself.

Oh! He's back.

All right, now, that's what happens when you've been a bad boy.

You go to the time-out corner. Is that what your mom does?

Shut up.

- Fifty-five. - You're not 55.

Yeah, you wish.

Show me. Show me.

Twenty, forty...

Guys! Oh, my God!

Get over here. Oh, now we have revenge!

Now revenge of the Ronzo.

- Oh, revenge! - Stop it, Dad.

All right, guys. Let go. I can't - Come on, I can't get up.

Come on! Stop, guys. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.

- Guys, let go of me! - Pile on! Pile on!

Hey. Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me!

- Get 'em off me! - You're suffocating him!

All right. Come on, guys. Seriously. I gotta get up.

- He's holding us! - No. That's not possible!

You see, they're holding me. They're holding me!

- Come on, get up. All right. - I can't breathe!

Make them some breakfast. Guys, go get breakfast.

Out. Off the bed!

- Go! Go, buddy, go! - Whole lot of nothin'.

Off you go. Sorry, buddy.

Lenny, what is this you're feeding the kids, huh?

- I don't know. - Look, I brought some other stuff.

And the guy at the supermarket, you know what he said?

He said that one out of every million boxes has a very special prize in it.

Very special prize in it.

You guys want to empty it out? You want to see what the pri -

You want to empty it? Open it up. Open it up.

On the table.

- Oh... Oh, my God. - Shoot!

- Oh, my God. - What?

- What is that? - A salamander!

- Whoa. - A salamander!

- Look at it! - Holy...

It's alive.

Let me see.

- Oh, my God. Let me see this. - Check it out.

That's incredible.

- It's alive! - That is incredible.

Oh, my God. Seats, guys. Here, sit down.

Incredible. Oh. Look at its head. Look at it shaking.

Let me find something bigger. I'm gonna get a little home or something for it.

Can you put it in my hands?

- I'll be safe with him. - Hang on a second, guys.

First thing we got to do is we got to get a home for it.

- Check this guy out! - I'm getting a home.

Oh, my God. Look at its head shaking.

Look at that. You can see his digestive system.

- Or maybe that's just dirt. I don't know. - I have a really good house coming up.

- This is incredible, guys. - Yeah.

- All right. - What about this?

Okay, check it out, guys. What do we use for gravel?