Blonde Death

Testing, one, two, three, testing.

Hi, this is me, Tammy Lynn Beaverdorf.

And these are my memoirs

in case we don't get outta here alive.

I guess you know who I am by now

since my name is all over the TV,

but since everything they're

saying about us is a pack of lies,

I'd like to take this chance to set the record straight.

It seems hard to believe that

it all began less than six weeks ago.

I'll never forget that first day

we arrived in Orange County, California.

After spending all of my nearly 18 years in Port Bidet Day,

a shitty little town on the Mississippi Gulf Coast.

My daddy, or simply Vernon, as he preferred to be called,

had been transferred to a new company office in Abraham.

So there we were, streaming in the land

of sunshine and beach parties,

me secretly feeling like some sort of teenage time bomb,

aching to explode with a fire and joy

that had always been denied me in the south.

The only fly in the ointment was Vern's recent bride,

Clorette, an evil scheming bitch

in the guise of a born again Christian.

There was no love lost between us.

Hey, look, Vern, there's Donkey Land

right down the street.

Oh, let's go, let's go right now.

Not now.

We're hot, tired, and cranky.

I'm not.

Well, I am.

Vern's not.

Yes he is, aren't you?

We'll go in a few days, sweetheart,

after we're all settled in.

Okay, whatever you say, daddy.

I, I mean, Vern.

Are you sure this is the place?

ls it all right?

- This ain't nothing but a little post-war track house.

You promised me a glass and redwood palace.

Clorette, now this'll do for now.

- I don't see why we can't live in a decent place.

I know how much money you have squirreled away

in that money market fund.

- That money is for Tammy's college education.

Oh what college education?

She never even finished high school.

I think that's our telephone.

Hello?

Noreen.

There ain't no Noreen here.

I think you got the wrong number.

Well, this is the new house.

Come on brick too, you to Maggie.

This is your new home.

Come on.

Oh my lord, no!

- Oh, what's wrong, what's wrong honey?

Just look at my Siamese cat figurine.

I told you to let the movers take it.

They're the experts.

Oh, I know what happened.

You kicked it back in Missouri.

You're crazy.

Now, it's all right, honey.

I'll get you a real Siamese.

Little playmate for Brick and Maggie.

Oh no you won't, I hate cats.

- I'm gonna go and watch for the moving van.

Stop it.

I‘ We are weak, but he is strong I

I Yes Jesus loves me J’

There now.

Well, at least the TV's working.

Oh my Lord, it's Pat Goon.

My favorite Christian entertainer.

Oh God.

Now that's my idea of a real man.

Clorette!

Why don't you watch where you're going?

What is this?

Nice girls do, now you can too.

Nice girls do what?

What do you think?

I asked you a question young lady.

Don't get smart with me.

All right, Clorette.

You wanna know what they do?

Nice girls fuck.

They F-U-C-K, fuck.

Vern, Vern get in here!

Vern, she said the F word.

She did, did she?

Hypocritical cunt.

Vern, she said the C word.

All right, young lady,

I've warned you the last time.

Clorette, get the Lysol.

No, no, no!

There, there, is that enough?

Have you learned your lesson?

Vern, Vern, you wouldn't believe

the trash she has been reading.

Everything from Harold Robbins to Marcel Prust.

Where did I put those hefty trash bags?

- You leave my books alone you neo Nazi, slop pig!

- Well the lava obviously ain't strong enough, is it?

Where did I pack the Borax?

No, no.

Oh my Lord in heaven.

Vern, look what I found.

What is it?

- Well, it certainly ain't a good Friday communion wafer.

How dare you touch my diaphragm?

Get your perfume paws off of that.

Diaphfagm?

Why you no good little white trash whore?

Am not.

lam still a virgin.

You could ask anybody.

I just got that in case I ever fell in love.

Oh, fell in love.

Everybody knows you had a sickening

little trice with that retarded black boy down the street.

- We were friends you evil minded redneck sow!

Just because you are reformed nymphomaniac.

- All right, that does it, hike your skirt up.

I'm going to give you a lick

and you're never going to forget--

You'd like that wouldn't you?

In more ways and more ways than one.

Oh Vern, did you hear what she said?

You depraved little child of Satan.

Tammy, you pull those panties down.

Not this time.

Vern, in here!

. No!

I'm too old to spank, it's wrong!

It's sick, it's unhealthy, it's wrong!

You're obviously the expert on all.

You're hurting me!

Whack her good one time for Jesus.

Did you have a good time?

Tammy, I'm warning you.

Well apparently Elmo did,

I could feel him smiling through your slacks.

Why you little spy.

Open this door.

Open this door to Tammy.

. No!

Alright, stay there.

You can go to bed without your supper tonight.

Well, that's just fine

because Clorette's a shitty cook anyway.

- You just don't know when to quit, do you?

Just leave me alone.

Leave me alone!

Vern.

' Huh?

For you.

Oh,

Oh, all right.

Hello?

- I watched TV in a confused stupor

for the rest of the night.

Scared to venture out of my room.

Finally around three AM when I was sure they were asleep,

I made a famished run to the kitchen.

You stay away from me!

I ain't gonna hurt you angel.

Swear to God all mighty, I love you.

It's all right.

How could I have ever whacked

the behind of the precious little girl I love so much.

Here, let me kiss it and make it all well.

Vern!

You're embarrassing me.

Why?

There ain't nobody here but your dear old dad

and his precious little girl.

- I don't know, it's just that, I don't know.

I just think that, well, some of the things we used to do,

I think they may have been wrong.

" Wrong?

What's wrong with a dad who

used to dress up in a blue velvet Scarlet O'Hare dress

and play with his daughter

like the twin sister she never had?

Nothing, I guess.

- Or a dad who used to let his little princess

dress up in her real mama stiletto, high heels

and walk all over his face?

I don't know.

Or a dad who cut off a donkey's head

when that donkey sprung a boner

in his sweetest little princess's

birthday party on the lawn.