The Razor's Edge

No one in need who has ever approached you,

the generous citizens of Lake Forest, Illinois, has ever been refused.

Therefore, although the United States

has not yet entered the war in Europe,

we, of the American Ambulance Service have continued to donate

men, women and equipment

to aid our unfortunate wounded French and British friends.

Now, I want to thank this year's graduating class of Lake Forest College

for this badly needed vehicle.

But more important, I want to thank the two brave members of that class

who have volunteered to accompany the ambulance overseas as drivers!

Mr. Gray Maturin.

Hey, that's my boy!

Thanks, Pop.

And Mr. Larry Darrell.

Now, in order to raise funds for this noble cause,

Mr. Maturin is going to give demonstration rides around the village green

for the small donation of five cents a person.

The line forms to the right.

You're first, ladies. Go on.

I do wish Mr. Darrell had made his appearance.

I assure you, Madam,

whatever Mr. Darrell is doing, he's servicing the needs of your fine organization.

I'm going to take this whiskey, okay?

Got it.

Oh, aren't you the cutest little hat-rack I've ever seen!

And don't scratch that pretty face.

Kisses, one dollar? Uh-huh.

I sure will, Ma'am. There you are.

One dollar.

It's amazing, isn't it?

I seem to have left my money in my other uniform.

You mean your boy scout uniform?

Well, I just take what I want.

Oh, you're getting heavy!

That hurt!

Mm, it's nice working for free.

Go on.

Jump in.

Larry, look, I'm supposed to be doing my patriotic duty.

Come on, your patriotic duty on my last night in town is to leave me unable to walk!

Come on. Oh, no, no, no, no.

First, the wedding, then the honeymoon.

Yeah, do it the other way around

and you end up like Bob and Sophie stuck in that dumb, old apartment.

I like their place.

How do you think they're going to like it when the baby comes?

I don't know. No charge to boys in uniform.

Oh, well done! Very good.

Our baby's going to have its own room and a nanny.

Oh, come on, why don't you talk to Gray about getting married, huh?

He's got a million bucks to play with.

He'll go for that nanny stuff.

Hey, look, I don't want a million bucks,

I just want you.

And half a million bucks.

This is the singly most disgusting concoction in the culinary annals.

Well, that didn't stop you eating a dozen of them

every 4th July when you were a boy.

Well, this quaint little village may have been the place of my birth,

but after 15 years in Paris,

I have come to regard that as a most unfortunate accident of genetics.

Oh, Elliot, you are the biggest snob in the world!

I sincerely hope so.

Nice looking dog you've got there, huh?

Oh, how I envy you, young man, after Paris, the city of light.

You know, I really ought to provide you with a few introductions.

I could put you in touch with some of the most elite members

of the European aristocracy while you're there.

Sophie! Bob! Where you guys been?

Oh, Bob had to work.

On a holiday? Gee, what a shame.

Yeah, I almost missed seeing you and Gray off, they kept me late.

Well, you're late but not too late to come with us, Bobby, boy!

Put him down, he's a daddy! He's not going anywhere!

Well, can Bob go away on the ambulance with us, then?

No.

Soph, what?

Here, I had these printed out for you.

Your poems.

Well, this is great.

Now I'll have something to read to the guys in the trenches at night.

You used to like them.

Well, they're good.

I always liked the poet.

I'm gonna miss you.

You know, when we were kids,

I was always terrified you were the guy I was going to have to marry.

But you just couldn't control yourself, could you?

"Oh, Bob, oh, Bob, Bob, don't.

"Oh, Bob, don't stop whatever you do,

"Bob, don't!

"Oh, Bob."

Larry, Sophie, come on, the fireworks are going to start!

Oh, can you hold this? Sure.

Thanks.

Thanks, Gray.

Here, buddy. Thank you.

Oye!

Is this Ambulance Field Headquarters?

Chicago!

I know people in Chicago.

Jeez, you must be the guys from Chicago.

Piedmont!

Fresh meat!

Fit them out, Malcolm.

I'm Piedmont.

I'm your leader.

That's Malcolm.

He's what's left of my followers.

We put three heaps to a squad.

There'll be you, some dogmeat from Harvard

and our rig when it gets ready.

What the hell's the gun for? America's not in the war.

Well, yes and no.

We don't get to kill anybody, but they can kill us.

There's a big push on tomorrow at Mons.

We leave the minute this Harvard heap arrives.

Mr. Piedmont, I presume?

Doug Van Allen and Brian Ryan, Harvard, '17.

You must be Chicago.

Lake Forest, actually.

Doug Van Allen. Larry Darrell.

Gray Maturin. Brian Ryan.

- How do you do? - Larry Darrell.

No trouble clearing this off the boat train?

None, sir. Isn't she beautiful?

Swellegant.

Hi, meat.

That paint job's gonna make a great target.

Not the way we drive. Doug and I did

the six-mile course at Harvard in six and a half.

Is that right?

Huh, six and a half.

Piedmont and I did it at Yale in six flat.

Okay, for now, I'll ride with Darrell, Malcolm, you take Gray meat.

You two follow in Moby Dick. Let's move!

What is this foul stuff?

Well, this definitely isn't chicken.

Oh, it's chicken. Head, skin and feet.

Hey, Chicago, why don't you finish this potted shrimp.

You betcha.

Thanks.

Shrimp? Yes.

Shrimp?

God, what a car.

Thanks, Piedmont.

Goddamn it! Are you crazy?

You can't have headlights.

The heinies catch a flash of those headlights, you guys are dead meat.

Goddamn it, you're drunk!

Drunk?

The liquor never even makes it to my brain, Dougie boy.

You're educated men. Let's get this over with.

You came over here for a little fun, a little excitement...

...and to help your fellow man.

Well, you won't help anybody.

And you know why?

Because you can't even help yourselves.

And after the first good mortar concussion,

you'll be picking that windshield right out of your face.

So you might as well get rid of it right now.

Piedmont, what are you doing?

I am helping my fellow man.

Gray, Darrell, come here!

The hospital is eight kilometers.

Don't stop for anything. No matter what happens, don't stop!

Piedmont, there has got to be something else.

You got a driver's license?

License?

Don't stop, Larry.

What's he saying?

Didn't they teach French in your college?

I was a baseball major.

What does he want? What does he want?

He says his arm is shattered and it's pinned under the body of another guy

who won't move, because he's already dead.

He's sure he's dying and if you had the decency

of half a human being, you'd do something for him!

I don't know what he wants!

Don't stop, Larry!

All right, boys, everybody sing or we aim for the ruts!

Oh, my God, I've been hit!

What are you doing? Doug's been hit!

Hey, Doug Van Allen's been hit. In his wrist.

Well, Piedmont says not to stop.

Darrell, Doug and I crewed together!

Doug Van Allen and Brian Ryan, wasn't it?

Jeez, what a couple of liars, huh?

They loved to lie, those two.

They enjoyed it.

They never did any goddamn six miles in six and a half.

Maybe you don't, but I hate liars.

I hated those two when they told their little lies.

They won't be missed.

Green River at the sweetshop.

The first thing I'm gonna have when we get home.

Could be any day now too,

now that Uncle Sam's in the war.

You okay?