Up All Night

Oh, my God. We're bad parents. Ohh.

So we're done here, right?

Oh! She's up.

Hi.

I can actually see the emotional scars forming.

Mm-hmm.

Honey, we are definitely doing it tonight. Okay?

Yeah.

Although this is a lot of food.

Tomorrow?

Tomorrow.

I'm home!

- Hey. - Hi.

Now the time has come for you to be mine.

What? Oh. Mmm.

Oh. Oh, man.

God, babe, I wish you'd given me a little heads-up.

Hmm?

Well, it's just I thought you were working late tonight,

- and I-I was here by myself... - Oh, gosh.

Ugh.

Definitely tomorrow.

Hey, listen. Mm.

Have I got a surprise for you.

I'm gonna give you a hint:

It involves doing it, and our babysitter Patricia.

Wow.

No, no. Patricia is gonna stay the night with Amy,

while you and I

go to the world famous Beverly Hilton Hotel.

For one night, just us.

No baby. And l'amour.

Well, that's very sweet, babe,

but you know what? I don't think I'm ready

- to leave Amy overnight. - I mean, neither am I.

But, honey, if we wait until we're ready,

the child is gonna be in college,

and you know what? Let's face it,

you're probably gonna be dead.

This is gonna be hard on me too.

But we need this.

We need to recharge our batteries, honey.

All right.

I'm in.

But I'm not just some cheap floozy,

so I need to be wined and dined.

And I want to be adored.

Oh, honey, you will be.

Okay. I don't want to be objectified in front of Amy.

Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie.

- I mean, a little bit, I do. - Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie.

Keep the chit-chat with the chef to a minimum,

because Chris and I are going to a hotel this evening,

- and I wanna make sure-- - Ava!

Baby.

Come over to me here.

- Oh, boy. - You know Julian Eskandani?

- Baby. - Oh.

- What? - Mmm.

Hello, Julian. How are you?

I just drank a Kombucha.

It changed my life. How's my baby?

Okay, the baby's actually going to stage right now.

I'm so sorry. Excuse us.

- It's very nice to see you. - Go, go, go.

- 'Scuse me. - Yeah?

- We haven't met. - No, we haven't met.

I'm Julian. Mwah.

You have a great body.

Mm, yeah. Thank you. Um... I'm--I'm Reagan.

I've actually been to your clubs before.

They're, uh, soul-suckin' skank fests.

- Thank you. - Yeah? Shall we?

Hmm. You have smooth hair, you know?

- Okay. - I like it.

Thank you.

- Mm, you are so soft. - Oh, my God.

- Like...Cottonelle. - Psst!

All right. Excuse us. Excuse us.

I'll, uh, I'll see you later.

- Everybody goes. - Bye.

- Both, everybody. - Bye.

Let's go. Thank you. Okay.

- Ah. Hello, Reagan. - Hi.

Hi. Um, I guess I need to...

Apologize for not mentioning that I was dating Julian.

I think that I knew you wouldn't approve.

Oh, Ava.

Don't know what to tell you.

Sorry. This is Julian.

Hello? Hi, Julian.

No, I-I don't think I can have num-nums tonight.

Yes, it's because I'm ty-ty.

All right, well, I have to go.

Goodbye!

I am sorry you're so ty-ty, honey.

I just really think that I'm tired of guys like Julian.

I really need to meet a normal, decent guy.

To have num-nums with?

No one is sorrier that you had to hear that than I am.

All I do is interview diet gurus

and people who write airport bestsellers.

I mean, it's powerful stuff, but...

Doesn't give me the time to meet a regular Joe.

I mean, how did Oprah meet Stedman?

No one has that information.

Oh!

- Oh, darn it. - What?

My babysitter has food poisoning

and can't make it tonight.

- Oh. - Oh, man.

It's probably just as well.

It's gonna be too hard to leave Amy anyway.

How long has it been since you said

you and Chris have gotten it on? Six weeks?

Six weeks?

Try more like six hours!

No, it's been six weeks.

- I'll babysit Amy! - You?

For the first night in eight years,

I have absolutely no plans.

It's God's way of telling us that I should watch Amy.

I am a godsend.

Boy, Ava, I don't...

It would mean so much to me.

Pweeze?

Pweeze, pweeze? Sorry.

Once you start with the baby talk,

it's hard to turn it off.

- Okay... - "Okay" is a yes!

- I'm babysitting Amy! - "Okay" is just o--

this is gonna be great!

Hey, honey.

Guess what?

We have a sitter for the night, huh?

Is it...

Oh, that's awesome. Ava.

Do you know how badly she wants to do this?

She actually hired a private instructor

- to come and teach her baby CPR. - She did?

Today at the office, yes. And look...

She's with us all the time, and she knows Amy's routine,

so I just... we need this night away, babe.

- I know it's crazy. - No, you're right. We do.

It's just, I'm worried that if Ava's watching Amy,

who's watching Ava?

Oh, Chris.

You are too much.

Hmm.

Okay, so these are... These are the brushes

for Amy's bottles and stuff,

- and these are the bottles. - Right. Bottles. Got it.

Very important.

This is a super-secret toy stash.

Just in case she has a real meltdown.

I notice you're doing a lot of whispering.

How much does she understand? Because...

I have to make a phone call later

to my investment bankers,

and the language might get a little salty.

Those Are Me dry.

All right.

Okay, well, we have an emergency contact list here.

Doctors, neighbors, people like that.

Right. Who is Kevin?

- Oh, he's a neighbor of ours. - Yeah.

He's really sweet, he has a daughter,

he knows Amy really well,

- and he recycles, so... - Really?

I noticed he's number one on the contact list.

It's funny, I don't see myself on this list.

That's because you're on a better list, honey.

In here.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- So obviously feel free to call... - Yeah, anytime.

Oh, no. I will definitely not call you guys.

And I am not calling Kevin,

because I got all the answers.

- Right here. - Okay.

And in here. Doctor Internet.

- Hmm. - You guys go.

Go, be free.

All right, my sweet little girl.

I love you so much. I'm gonna miss you, okay?

Oh, God. Okay. Now the guilt's setting in.

- I'm forcing you. - I love you so much.

Bye, sweet girl.

I love you too, Chris.

Aw, band-aid moment.

You kids have fun. Mwah.

Wow, we're really doing this, huh?

- Feels good, right? - Right?

We are having some adult fun, is what we're doing.

Look at those people,

having less adult fun than us.

Hey, keep your kid quiet over there!

We... we can say that because we're free.

Exactly.

- Just got a text from Ava. - Oh, yeah? What?

"Where does Amy usually like to hide?"