Masterminds

All I've really ever wanted was adventure.

That's what got me into the armoured car business.

Between the guns and the cash

and the constant threat of violence,

it seemed like a total dream.

But that's all it was - just a dream.

'Cause in reality, my day-to-day was as boring

as any garbage man, pizza guy or paperboy.

Pick it up, drop it off, repeat.

Pick it up, drop it off, repeat.

Pick it up, drop it off, repeat.

I used to fantasize about getting robbed

in the line of duty

just to prove to myself that I would man up, given the chance.

But I was denied even that simple pleasure.

I blame popular culture.

See, I grew up watching spy movies.

They made it seem so fun,

judo-chopping the bad guys and saving the girl.

I wanted that life, but it didn't quite pan out that way.

So I settled.

That's about the worst thing you can do, if I'm honest.

I mean, until you take a chance in life,

you really never find out who you are.

My name is David Ghantt.

In 1997,

I was a quiet middle-aged man knocking on 40.

But then, then the wind blew in Miss Kelly Campbell.

After four decades of waiting,

my adventure finally came knocking.

What do you say you and me rob Loomis Fargo?

What? Come on!

That guy just did it a month ago.

The bank guard? Jacksonville?

- Phillip Johnson. - Yeah, Phillip Johnson.

Behind this wall, there is a million dollars.

Give me one reason why we shouldn't.

Well, for one thing, we could get fired.

Right?

- Whoo! - Hot dog!

Not bad.

You know what I'd do with $1 million?

Buy a crapload of CDs. Music is very important in my life.

What would you do with $1 million?

Probably start my own business, you know?

Maybe go after some felons or convicts, you know?

Be a bounty hunter or skip tracer or something like that.

You know, put a cap in there.

- Oh! Oh! David! - Oh, that burns!

- Oh, my gosh! Let me see! - Ow, Kelly!

- Let me see! Let me see! - Ow! Get it out!

- OK. - Oh, God, Kelly!

- You're good. You're alright. - OK.

You're OK. But, man, you nearly shot yourself a new butthole.

Yeah, went straight down the crack.

It feels like it just grazed my biscuits right betwixt them.

- Yeah, doesn't hurt that bad. - No, I think you're OK.

I mean, you got a nice big hole in your shorts.

It's just a skin burn. You're alright.

Yeah.

You go home and you fill your tub full of whole milk.

- What's... what's that? - Fill your tub with whole milk.

- Whole milk? - Yeah.

'Cause the fats, it's the fats that moisturize the skin.

I got ranch dressing. I could put a little ranch in.

Oh! I'll get it.

Well, if it isn't the future Mrs David Ghantt calling her honey.

Oh, no, no. That's Jandice. I'm late.

- I forgot, gosh! - What? Where you going?

Engagement photos.

- Oh. That's nice. - Yeah, so... Yeah!

I'm gonna walk backwards -

I don't want you looking at my derriere.

Well, I've seen it, hate to tell ya, crack and all.

Maybe I can stare at your crack one day and we can get even.

Hey, Dave!

Have another drink.

Jandice, I'm sorry I'm late.

That's OK. I'm glad you got here when you did.

- I've been crying for hours. - Have you?

Had to put my make-up on

three separate times 'cause of the tears.

Well, third time's a charm. You look... you look fantastic.

Let's take some pictures.

Good lord, Jandice!

I've been saving that for you.

You farted right into my butthole.

It's like a fart transplant.

So how'd y'all meet?

I'm a sucker for courtship stories.

Well, if you must know, a couple years back

I was at a Youth Praise concert at church,

and I saw the most handsome man

that I had ever seen in the world.

He was looking right at me.

We went on a date, and then we fell

very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very deeply in love.

And then he died. Snakebite.

At his funeral, I was very, very distraught.

I couldn't keep myself together.

And I saw this... other man,

a distant cousin of the deceased.

He was a pallbearer and he was kinda struggling

to hold up his end of the casket.

I had a hard time lifting it up.

In any case, we got to talking afterwards.

And I thought, "Well, that one's dead.

"This one's alive.

"I'll take the live one."

Now here we are, two years later.

That's, uh, quite a story.

Yeah, we're happy as all get out.

- I couldn't be happier. - Me either.

Then one day, things took a turn.

I guess I... I sensed it coming.

But restless souls like Kelly

usually don't stick around at a place like Loomis.

Here's a little snackaroo.

Taco salad with extra ranch.

- David, thank you. - Eat up.

I'm not really that hungry. Not now. I'm sorry.

What's going on now? Come on, you're just moping around.

Well... Rodney and I broke up.

- No kidding! - Yep. Last night.

Hey, hey, hey. What's going on in here?

You all are way behind schedule, so, Ghantt,

I need you to get your bearded lady-face out there right now.

Wait, whoa, whoa! What'd you say to him?

You can't talk to David Ghantt like that.

He's the only one around here with half a brain.

He's smarter than you'll ever be.

- We're gonna be outside, boss. - No, no, no.

What the hell is your problem today, Kelly?

Maybe I'm feeling a little emotional.

Maybe I'm having a bad day, huh? Does that fit in your schedule?

You know, what I care about is getting that truck out there,

southbound, A-S-A-effing-P.

And if I don't?

You're fired.

OK, then, fine.

- Fire me, Ashley. Fire me. - OK.

- Kelly, I don't know... - No, you know what?

I have been fixing to quit this job for a long time.

And besides, if I get fired, I get unemployment.

- That's a good point. - Then guess what.

- You're not fired. - OK!

What if I sexually harass one of your employees, huh?

Then you'll get in trouble if you don't fire me.

Just walk up to somebody and go like that.

What if I just do this kind of thing?

Oh, my gosh, this is so illegal.

You're gonna get fired for not firing me

because I'm doing something so sexual and inappropriate...

- Don't. - ..for the workplace.

- Look at that! Kelly! - What if I did this?

Sexual, sexual dancing!

OK, you're fired now.

Leave the uniform!

Kelly, hold on a second.

I'll clean that up. Just...

Hey, uh... Hey, Kelly?

Can I get your phone number, you know, just to have it?

Um... Oh, yeah. Sure.

I don't have a pen on me.

No, you don't have no pen.

You got barely anything on your upper half. You got a bra.

They look good.

I mean, the bra looks nice and what it encases. Um...

I got a pencil right here.

Great.

- You can just do it on my arm. - With pencil?

Yeah.

Ooh, man, you really gotta press into the skin

to make this show up.

Mm-hm.

- Yeah. - Here you go.

- There's 10 numbers there. - Oh, yeah.

The 1-4-3 at the end,

that's sort of my thing I just always do.

It's code for "I love you" - you know, 'I' is one letter,

'love' is four letters, 'you', three letters.

I've just always done it. I don't know.

That's my thing.

That's pretty bad-ass.

That's cool.

Well, see ya.

OK.

Kelly always made me feel special.

- Like I could do anything. - Idiot!

You know, be anyone.

Watching her leave Loomis was like

watching a space shuttle shed its rocket boosters.

The shuttle goes up to new and exciting places.

Rocket boosters just burn into the atmosphere

or sink into the ocean.

No-one gives a crap about rocket boosters.

Now, without my positive influence,

Kelly fell in with a bad crowd.

In the weeks after she quit,

she was spending all of her time on the rough side of town