All Eyes Off Me (מישהו יאהב מישהו)

I have to babysit tomorrow.

I hope she cancels, I hate that baby, he's so fat.

He's really hard to carry and it makes my wrists swell up.

They live on the third floor and I have to carry this fat baby.

Have you seen Max?

Yeah, he's here.

He weighs like 25 pounds already.

And this mom keeps nagging, "How's the baby? How's the baby?"

How's the baby? He's fat!

So he started choking Daria. It was terrifying.

And Nadav was k-holing bad,

so he was like unable to connect emotionally to the situation.

Like he was really high, but his "inner Nadav"

registered that he was supposed to react,

so he just shoved him off of Daria.

Danny, don't you want a drink?

No thanks, I'm pregnant.

Seriously?

Yeah, I took a test today and I'm pregnant.

What, but like, are you okay? Do you know what you want to do?

Yes. It's all good.

Chill out. What's your deal?

Should I bring you a chair or something to sit on?

It's all good. I'll get an abortion sometime this week.

Listen, I was also pregnant once, it's not a huge deal.

What? You never told me.

Yeah. Listen, don't take the pills. I mean, you can, but you shouldn't.

One day I felt like shit, so I went to get a pregnancy test.

Although I figured there's zero chance, 'cause of my polycystic ovaries.

I woke up with the strongest craving for bread and butter.

And I'm walking around dizzy and exhausted,

but I never thought it could be that.

And then, when it was positive, I was super confused

and my boyfriend wanted to keep it.

And I'm like, in theory I want it too, someday.

But oh my god, not now! Like, help!

Then again, if there's already a baby, maybe like, yes?

So the next day I called up a gynecologist in private practice--

otherwise, you won't get an appointment before your kid's eight.

So he examined me, did an ultrasound,

told me I was at week seven and you can see the fetus.

I mean, at seven weeks you can't see arms or legs,

but you can see that bean shape, like it becomes real.

Then I had to face a panel, three people behind a desk,

in a tiny room, like a parent-teacher meeting.

So, the social worker's job is to see if you really want to abort

or if someone's pressuring you, see what the deal is.

She read my case thoroughly, asked a million questions,

it was irritating as hell.

There were two old lady doctors, they were cool.

Anyways, they're like, "Congrats! You're next in line for an abortion!"

I took the first pill. All good.

Three days later, I was gonna take the second pill.

I sat there at the clinic for like two hours,

really wanting it to happen already, but also dreading it.

There's morning shows on TV, and I'm listening and not listening,

like I hear it but I'm tuning everything out.

Then I'm inside the ward, they give me the pill,

then the cramps, they're like PMS but way, way worse.

I curled up for like 3 hours, it was awful.

And then you start bleeding.

They give you a giant maxi pad you change every 15 minutes.

At some point I just squatted over the toilet

and let it flow.

Although, after the second pill...

you stop feeling nauseous, or dizzy, yeah?

Then you bleed, like normal period style, for 3 weeks.

There's also curettage, which involves anesthesia.

But you show up, go under and it's done all at once, got it?

In the moment, it seems terrifying,

but looking back it's all chill. I mostly remember the physical pain,

feeling really sick, like I need a tumor removed.

And I was really sick!

I was bedridden, all nauseous and puking.

Anyways, you can talk to me.

I got it done at Ramat Aviv Mall, third floor.

At the mall, amazing.

I'm off to get an abortion, anyone need anything?

When did this happen? Was it a while ago?

She would've been about a year old by now.

I don't know why I said "she."

Okay. Thanks, babe.

I'm gonna look for Max. See you.

How's it going, Noa?

Give me a hug.

Have you seen Max?

Who is Max?

Noa!

Noa!

Wait here.

I love you.

Wait here, okay?

Danny! Come in!

Honey, wanna do a line?

We're just hiding here. I don't have enough to share.

-Wanna do a line? It's CK. -No, thanks.

-Have you seen Max? -I think so.

You want in? We're just about to order.

-You got a 100? -No. Where have you seen him?

Not sure, it was a while ago. How about 50? You can do 50.

-You can do 50. -I'm cool with that.

No, no thanks.

So, I was stalking Ido on his Netflix account

after we broke up.

I called him, and said "Have you seen the new Noah Baumbach?

Why did you stop after 88 minutes?"

and he was like, "What? Because I got bored."

So I was like, "Why did it take you 88 minutes to figure that out?"

Hi. Can I join you guys for 50?

-Of course. -Sure, no problem.

Danny...

-Are you okay? -Yes, of course.

-Are you sure? -Yeah, yeah.

-Do you need any help with anything? -No, it's all good.

-Let me know if you need anything. -Totally.

-For real though. -Thank you.

Do you hate me? You hate me? You hate me?

I am my mama's son, my mama's son

I ate off her plate and now she hates me

She hates me, she hates me

She hates me, she hates me

She hates me, she hates me

She hates me, she hates me

She hates me, she hates me

And I broke the nose of her statue

Her statue, now it's broken

Now you're crying, I lied, I lied, I lied, I lied

I told a joke, and now you're crying

And now you're crying

and now you're crying, And now you're crying

And now you're crying!

I eat, masturbate and sleep

You didn't say no, you didn't say yes

And now you're crying

And now you're crying

My mama's son, I'm a son of a bitch

And now you're crying, and now you're crying

I've lent and repented and apologized

And now you're crying

I talked trash about you, and walked all over you

Watched your struggle and did nothing

And you apologized, and I didn't accept it

I projected, projected, shamed you, and wrote you a song

I'm a fat white rich boy

A fat white rich boy

I shamed you and wrote you a song

I'm a fat white rich boy

A fat white rich boy, a fat white rich boy

I shamed you, and wrote you a song

I'm a white boy, fat and rich

A fat white rich boy

I shamed you, and wrote you a song

I'm a white boy

Fat and rich

I shamed you and wrote you a song

A fat white rich boy

Fat white rich boy

I shamed you, and wrote you a song

A fat white rich boy

A fat white rich boy

I shamed you, and wrote you a song...

Danny, how's it going?

-Do you know Avishag? -Hey, what's up?

Yeah, we met briefly.

-How are you? -I'm good.

-Max, could I borrow you real quick? -Yeah, sure.

-What's up? -All good.

Are you two together? I had no idea.

No, we're not together. Not really.

We've been liking each other's posts on Instagram for a while,

and then we randomly ran into each other here and vibed.

-Let's see what happens. -Cool.

-She seems great. -Yeah. we'll see what happens.

-Did you just get here? -Yeah, not too long ago.

On my way over, I saw a dying butterfly on the sidewalk,

And I thought, how come we don't call the vet?

Why would we call for a dying horse, but not a butterfly?

Like who decides which animal matters more?

I'm not following.

-Never mind, it's stupid. -Okay.

Okay.

-So, is it going well for you two? -I told you, it just started.

But it feels good.

We were talking about driving to Sinai for the weekend.

We'll probably do that.

What? Already? You'll kill the relationship.

A relationship needs to build slowly,

like a campfire, first you feed it twigs.

If you throw in a log it'll smother it.

But we've already thrown in a log.

We said things like,

"I feel like I've known you my entire life."

It's different.

There's saying things and there's going to Sinai.

Listen, once, I was in Berlin,

and went to pick up my friend for a night out.

And I'm walking, when suddenly someone shouts, "Shiny shoes!"

Because I was wearing my gold shoes.

And I turn around, only to find the hottest guy on earth.

And we smile at each other,