3rd Rock from the Sun

Damn that channel 9 weatherman!

What? It's not raining.

I know. I cut through his yard, and the sprinklers went off.

Car wash again?

Do you see any soap?

Dr. Albright, they're having a reception for that new professor.

Oh. Dr. Neesam.

Mm-hmm. Should I rsvp?

Please.

Oh, uh, me, too, Nina.

Dick, this guy's kind of a big shot,

so when you meet him, try not to act so... Brilliant? No.

Athletic?

Uh, well... Gorgeous?

Weird.

Weird as in sexy?

Weird as in weird.

Oh, so suddenly I'm weird.

Not so suddenly, dick.

I said it today, I said it yesterday, I say it every day.

Oh, I thought that was just a running joke we had.

I'd do something, then after the fire trucks left,

you'd let me have it. Ha ha. All in good fun.

Dick, you and your family... I know you mean well,

but sometimes it's like being around the Addams family.

Well... I will admit that John Adams' views

of a strong central government

may have been ahead of their time... That's not who I meant.

John Quincy Adams?!

You're comparing me to that freak show?!

Oh!

Tommy, tell me if this milk tastes bad.

We're kind of busy right now, Sally.

We have to write about our family's history for class.

Ok. Um... My family came to america in 1852

on a Dutch schooner.

How about yours?

Well, um, my great-grandfather, uh...

Escaped from the Nazis through the alps

with his family and their singing nanny.

Um, Tommy?

Yeah?

That's the sound of music.

Yeah, I know.

And don't think that we're not suing!

Hey.

Don't throw that away.

Oh. Why, do you recycle?

No.

I'm trying to get into the guinness book of world records

for the world's biggest can collection.

How many do you have?

So far? Just the one.

Oh. August.

I'm glad you're here.

Tell me, do you think that we are weird?

Well, um... I don't think that...

Oh, come on, come on. I won't be offended.

You can be honest.

Um... sometimes... You can be a little... Weird.

And you're a pedantic little twerp!

Now get out of the house!

Why does everybody keep saying that we're weird?

Jealousy.

No, come on. This is important.

Our mission is to be average human beings.

Is it possible that we're not fitting in as well as we think?

Well, dick, you can be a little weird.

You're the weirdo.

Weird as in sexy?

You're both freaks.

Oh, yeah, compared to you?

Hey, hey.

Anybody got a can?

Harry, tell me if this milk tastes bad.

Dick: Family meeting! Family meeting!

What you got there?

Books. Lots of books.

What for?

We're not fitting in.

Apparently, being human involves

more than just 2 arms, 2 legs,

and the occasional major orifice.

What we have here is the almanacs of man.

Statistics on lifestyles and behavioral studies.

We've got to become completely average Americans,

and that takes work! Now, come on, start reading.

Ah, look!

It says the average American

uses 4.1 pounds of butter a year.

Orally?

It says that the average American commute is 22 minutes.

Oh, no.

I'm only 5 minutes from work.

Tomorrow take the riding mower.

Ok.

Statistically, at least one of us should be divorced by now.

Ooh!

I want that one!

And 10% of us should be gay.

That's not why we got divorced.

10% is a minority.

We've got to go with the majority, the average.

Oh. Ok.

The average family of 4

lives in a 3-bedroom residence.

We're going to have to move.

You better tell dubcek.

Oh, she's going to be upset.

No. I'm sure she'll be fine.

Mrs. Dubcek!

Mrs. Dubcek: What?

We're moving!

Mrs. Dubcek: Like hell you are!

And this area, which I've designated "x,"

is the guest suite, which opens into "y,"

creating a lovely area for entertaining: "Z."

Is it cable-ready?

Does the walk-in closet have ample storage space?

I don't know.

I'm just telling you: It does.

Dr. Solomon, does the university know

that you're using your class time

to try and sublet your apartment?

Just for that, Karen,

you're going to miss out on this unique opportunity.

How much is the rent?

325 a month.

Cool! I'm in!

That's less than my mom charges!

Uh, come on in, fellas.

Watch your step.

Well, this is it.

Cool!

Party!

I want you boys to know I'm in bed by 11:00.

Oh. Well, you know, we'll keep it down.

No, I just... Wanted you to know.

This is the living room... Well, I think we're ready.

Good-bye, Mrs. Dubcek.

I believe it was Mr. William Shakespeare who said,

"parting is such sweet sorrow..."

Bye-bye now.

Well, onward to a new life.

Wow.

Everything's so beige.

Hmm. A perfectly neutral color for perfectly neutral living.

Hey! I've seen this before.

This is stain-resistant carpet. Look.

That's a good place for a chair.

Everything's falling into place.

Yeah, but something isn't quite right...

Does it fit?

Mine does.

It feels great!

Look out!

You know, it is amazing the advances the Swedes have made

in the science of furniture, especially considering

they have only one known tool.

This stuff is genius.

You guys, look what I got!

America's number one pain reliever,

america's leading chunky peanut butter,

and america's favorite mustard for over 50 years.

Hey, this bread is recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists

for their patients who chew bread.

Guys, I have a date with Mary.

Which shirt looks, better, this one... Or this one?

Hi.

Hi. Come in.

Hi. I'm flora.

And I'm Steve.

I'm dick.

Hi, dick. Are those dockers?

Yes, they are!

I have those exact pants.

Well, we just wanted to welcome you to the building.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

By the way, is that your red convertible parked outside?

Oh, don't worry. We'll be replacing it soon

with a minivan or a sport-utility vehicle.

Good choice.

And, uh... your assigned parking spot is 9-14.

And so you know, we don't do laundry after 10 P.M.

Wow. Is everything so regimented around here?

Well, we have a pretty active tenants' association.

Oh! Could I join?

Well, sure.

There's a meeting tonight.

We have to tell you, we're so glad to be rid

of the last people who lived here.

They stored all kinds of junk on their balcony.

It's so nice to have some normal people here.

Normal! Normal! Normal! Normal!

Thank you.

And you, sir?

I can't decide. What is your most popular dish?

Well, a lot of people like the steak fajitas.

Then steak fajitas it is.

And, uh, how would you like it cooked?