She's Gotta Have It

I would like you to know, the only reason I'm doin' this

is 'cause folks think they know me.

They think they know what I'm about,

and the truth is, they don't know me.

Anyhoo, if, in the end, this helps some other people out,

then that's cool too.

I consider myself abnormal.

But who wants to be like everybody else?

Not I.

Some people call me a "freak."

And I hate that word.

I don't believe in it, or better yet,

I don't believe in one-word labels.

But... what you gonna do?

You feel me?

I love walking the beautiful and nitty-gritty streets of New York City.

But, sometimes, walking the beautiful, nitty-gritty streets as a woman

can be, well...

brutal.

Peep this bullshit.

Psst! Psst! Why don't you sit on my dick and peddle my balls?

Excuse me, miss, but you so fine,

I'd drink a tub of your bath water out a champagne glass.

You wanna know why?

'Cause your mom's placenta was filled with holy water.

God blessin' you, girl! Mm! Good God!

Cutie-ho, I bet you your farts smell like grape Jolly Ranchers,

Fruity Pebbles, and AriZona Iced Tea, all combined.

Damn, what a combination!

Sista, I'll go gay for you.

You got me questionin' my whole sexual preference.

Damn, you so perfect.

Baby girl, I just wanna play the drumroll

to Phil Collins' song "In The Air Tonight"

on your right black butt cheek.

Hey, boo, where's your crown at?

Stop frontin' like you're not a Nubian queen. Bang! Bang!

Darling, you would be a terrific accessory

to my impressive car collection.

Do you see this watch? This is a platinum and gold Rolex.

You come with me, you'll have two and join me at the top.

Ooh! Wee!

Hot thang,

you look so good, Jesus on the cross must be doin' your taxes.

I truly believe that there is only one person,

only one in this world that is meant to be your soul mate,

your lifelong companion.

Joke is, rarely do these two people hook up.

They just... wander about aimlessly, lost in the sauce.

You know, God is a trickster.

In life, God doesn't give you the people you want.

Instead, he gives you the people you need.

Nola Darling...

is my need.

How come we always make love in your bed?

Now, you know I can only make love in my own lovin' bed.

Mm.

Besides, we ain't doin' it in your bed.

So, does it possess... magical, mystical powers?

Uh-huh.

Now, I'm possessed.

You think so, huh?

Yo! "What about Nola Darling?" What do you wanna know?

I think Nola's a freak.

You know? You know? You know.

Freaky-deaky, deaky-freaky, freaky to the deaky, deaky to the freaky.

Yo, check it. Most dudes want freaks.

I do. I do. Do I? I do!

- Okay. - All right, moment of truth, baby. Ooh!

- Damn. You okay if I put my bike here? - Yeah, it's fine.

Dag. It took you long enough to invite me in.

Dag, I don't just let anybody up in here.

- So, what, is "Mars" a nickname? - Nah, it's my government.

My mom, she named me Mars

'cause she said I'm outta this universe. A'ight?

Dope.

- It's not finished. - Still dope.

- My born day is May 19th. - Happy early born day.

Mars, Malcolm X was born on May 19th too.

No disrespect. Denzel did the damn thing.

- And got robbed of that Academy Award. - That was some shenanigans.

Some subterfuge, straight skulduggery.

He was too black, too strong. Al Pacino, though? Come on.

Don't hate on Al Pacino. Scarface, that's my joint.

You know what a make-up call is in basketball?

Does Mars Blackmon know what a make-up call is in basketball?

Is Barry "White"? Is Al "Green"?

Is James "Brown"? Is Prince "Purple"?

It was an Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences make-up call.

Pacino got fucked four times.

He got fucked over for The Godfather

and The Godfather Part II, Serpico,

and fucked again big time for Dog Day Afternoon.

Damn, Sam.

So... they gave Pacino his long-overdue Oscar,

and then Denzel gets his make-up call Oscar for Training Day,

which he should've won anyway, so the Academy still owes D another one.

And I know they better not fuck him over for Fences.

Word to the mother. You know a lot about movies, huh?

- I'm a cinephile. - A cine-what?

A cinephile. A film enthusiast.

Well, you know, I wanna be a phile-cine wit' you.

- A what? Cinephile. - My bad. My bad.

Mars, you are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. You know that?

- Yo, this whole spot is yours? - Mm-hmm.

I likes. I likes.

What's the rent?

This is gentrified Fort Greene. You already know.

You need a roommate?

Motherfucker, you smokin' K2?

I let you up in here one time, and right away, you wanna move in?

- Seriously? - Eh...

How you... How you afford this joint?

Your family got it like that?

- No, my parents are artists. - So are mine.

- Really? - Well, yeah, my pops is an artist.

A con artist?

- - 196... 197...

198... 199...

200.

Hoo...

Go, Greer.

I'm the best thing that ever happened to Nola Darling.

Ask her. She'll tell you that herself. That woman worships me.

What a pair. What a... What a couple we make.

When we are together...

... it's on like hot buttered popcorn.

We are a dynamic duo.

A terrific twosome.

Legendary lovers.

I can keep going if you wish, if you...

... if you so desire.

I got a lion in my pocket, and, baby, he is ready to roar.

- -

Was that the Cowardly Lion, or Snagglepuss even? Hm?

Can't no other dudes hit it the way I'm 'bout to now.

Greer, you're wallin'. Don't talk, okay?

- -

- Oh, Nola! - Greer!

- Nola! Nola! Nola! -

- Greer! - What?

Do you realize you are gazing upon the bi-racial Adonis?

You know I'm fine as shit.

Greer, you are the epitome of narcissism. Don't you get tired of you?

Never happen. Ugh.

- -

I bet you love yourself more than Kanye loves Kanye.

There's no crime in lovin' oneself.

In fact, that is the greatest love of all.

I can sing it like Whitney, if you wish.

I don't wish.

Ha! Voilà!

WDF, Nola! What da fuck?

What? It's your ugly inner self, Greer.

I call it Sexy Beast.

- No! - All right, you know the deal.

It's time to go. I got another piece to start.