Rick and Morty

Morty's on Jessica's Instagram again.

Get out of here, jerk!

What's so embarrassing, Morty?

Sharing it with your family might help.

Summer, stop shaming your brother.

Morty, stop being a creepy, perverted cyberstalker.

I'm not cyberstalking!

I-I-I just wanted to know where she got this necklace from.

And now I know.

Her... Her... Her grandma left it to her.

You're quiet, Rick.

Shouldn't you be revealing grandmas aren't real?

Hi. I've placed an auto-response chip in my brain

so I can spend time with my family.

But you are spending time with your family.

Thank you for talking to Rick.

- -

Alright, I'm finished with my breakfast

and my Amazon wish list. Let's go, Morty.

I need death crystals from Forbodulon Prime.

Uh...

Dad? There's a way we do this now.

Morty, would you please accompany me

to Forbodulon Prime for death crystals?

Well, thank you for asking. Yes, I will do that.

It is a hot photo.

I think grief flushes your cheeks.

Dad, you hardly put any syrup on.

Honey, stop raising your father's cholesterol

so you can take a hot funeral selfie.

I never get to do anything.

Uh, Rick, maybe if we go a little...

Faster? Good idea, Morty.

It'll get us through these asteroids sooner.

Geez, you're really this pissed about my mom making sure

I'm okay with our adventures?

What's next, Morty? What if I want you to jump off

the Empire State Building?

-I have to ask? -Yes?

And you seriously don't see how that's a slippery slope?

Just shut up and help me with these, please.

Why are they called death crystals?

D-Do they kill you?

You're thinking of bullets, Morty.

Death crystals show you how you're gonna die.

Jesus Christ! I-I die a million times?

Your future stems from your present,

which, if you're living right, keeps changing.

Truth is, anyone that knows how they're definitely gonna die

is either boring as hell or about to get shot.

Duck!

Who are those guys?!

Crystal poachers.

There's no lower form of life.

They think the galaxy's their own personal piggy bank.

Wait, then what are we?

We're Rick and Morty.

You're about to witness the only real use for these crystals.

They show you when the other guy's reloading.

Certain death, certain death, certain death, uncertain death.

And certain death, certain death, certain death.

Definitely gonna get shot by this guy;

this is totally my fate; nothing I could possibly do;

okay, now, not so much.

Help me gather these up.

You just use these to win fights?

I don't use them.

People that spend their life avoiding death are already dead.

They're also rich, and I like to spend my life with their money.

Oh, my God. Morty!

Jessica! Oh!

I love you.

Oh! Whoa! Whoa!

Morty. Oh! Oh! Oh!

I love you.

Jessica. I want to die with Jessica.

-Ahh! -What are you doing?

-Oh, um, c-can I drive? -Why?

The... feel of the open road?

Alright! Who's this grandson?

-I like his style. -

Morty, you know outer space is up, right?

Yeah, yeah. I'm just, uh, following... my... instincts.

Will you just go up? Stop!

You're gonna make me die wrong!

Wait a minute, what?

Morty, do you have a death crystal in your pocket?

-No! Maybe! -You little monster!

I thought you were masturbating!

And you took that in stride?!

You'd rather I address it?!

Why would I be doing it?!

Why would you steal a death crystal?!

I want to die old!

Then stop driving!

-No! -You son of a bitch!

Give me the wheel, Morty.

Goddamn it.

Ohhh, shit.

Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.

I love you, Morty. -

I will avenge my death.

-Holy shit! -Just kidding.

I'm a crisis detection and correction hologram

generated by a chip that "real" Rick put in your spine.

"Real" in quotes because calling density-privileged entities

"real" is incredibly holo-phobic.

Morty, do me a solid... Problematic wordplay aside...

Grab the gun with the blue handle from the trunk

and get a tissue sample from the corpse.

Alright, now take that to the trunk

and insert it into the clone compiler.

I see you appear to be holding a death crystal

that's guiding your decisions more than I am.

That's your right.

I just want to remind you that some people can't hold anything

and can never die, so that's a little offensive to...

- -Oh, okay.

Listen, I'm programmed for tolerance, Morty.

So I'm willing to accept that you're doing this

if you're willing to accept that you need to stop.

Accepting. Rerouted.

Backup. Data. Operation. Phoenix. initiated.

What the hell? I axed this protocol.

What are you doing with my clone?

It's okay. I'm you.

I took my own clone vat offline a couple seasons ago,

so I think my backup got rerouted to your universe.

-I'm sorry. -All good. Happy to help.

By the way, annoying that I even have to ask,

but you are down with fascist dystopias, right?

YYYYYes.

-That "yes" was pretty... -

...liberal with the letter "Y."

Well, isn't this strange.

I trust, the kind of strange that makes Rick and Morty...

- -...stronger.

Morty, I caught this socialist in my bathrobe.

He wants to give all of our martinis

to a family of immigrants.

Obviously, the most likely imposter

-is the wet, naked clone. -It is obvious.

But it won't be to the police.

-Ohh! -'Kay.

He was an inferior Rick. He was too political.

I want to have fun, classic Rick-and-Morty adventures

like in the old days.

Then we'll get along fine, Fascist Morty.

For starters, I just need to get to Forbodulon Prime...

You will go where I want you to go!!

Fuck.

Hey, hey! Ho, ho!

Not cloning your grandpa has got to go!

Hey, hey! Ho, ho!

Not cloning your grandpa has got to go!

You don't get out of my face, I'm gonna flush Rick's DNA.

Alright. Okay, regroup, everybody.

You, too, Berkeley!

Snap out of it.

At least tell me what this death is

that you're so determined to...

Oh. Jessica.

Morty, I love...

What?! No, no! No, no, no!

- -I love you.

Damn it!

How am I gonna die with her if I can't even talk to her?

Here's an idea, Morty. Throw that thing in the garbage,

stop planning your own death, and talk to whoever you want.

Now you just sound like Real Rick.

You're better than that language, Morty.

I ain't better than shit, Jack.

So, uh, w-what are we doing?

Stop asking questions. Stop doing meta-commentary.

Just have fun.

We're going on a simple, fun, classic adventure.

Okay, you know what? It would really help

if you could just say anything other than what you don't want.

I like Mr. Meeseeks.

Okay, now we're talking. You know what?

I usually keep a Meeseeks box in my glove compartment,

so maybe Fascist Rick does, too.

Ah! Well, look at that.

Now we're doing something we've done before.

I'm Mr. Meeseeks!

Kill this Nazi prick!

Can do!

-Come here, you son of a bitch! -No! Stop!

Accepting. Rerouted.

Backup. Data. Operation. Phoenix. initiated.

Aw, come on, man.

Whoa, are you okay?

Yeah, sorry.

I'm a Rick from another reality.

I-I got uploaded to your clone vat.

Hey, don't worry about it, man. I have a dozen.

W-W-What the heck, Rick?

Are you making clones down here?