Please Kill Mr. Know It All

This is the comeback story of all time.

Our guest has the number 1 movie out.

Your album is coming out next week, you've won an Oscar, a grammy, a Tony, an Emmy..

You're getting Nobel Peace Prize for the work you've done in Middle East.

Your charity saved the whales and trees while feeding the children.

It's changing the world as we know it.

I guess life is good.

It hasn't always been that way, has it?

I don't hold it against you to bring it up, let me start with that.

It's my job.

I was a man that seemed to have everything.

And yet i had nothing.

What changed? -You wouldn't believe it.

Try me. -Alright.

Rockbottom. That's where i was.

I had nowhere to go.

Like naked women be.. With baseball bats just for kicks.

It wasn't until i wrote away to this little advice column in the newspaper..

I wrote to a man named Mr Know It All.

And his advice guided me and helped me..

To find my way, to find my way to a better place. It actually brought me to where i am now.

Who is Mr Know It All?

He's an enigma.

Maybe we should have him on the show.

There are people that live fun, exciting lives.

And then there are people like me.

It's not because i'm boring.

Well, i am boring. BUt i don't need excitement in my life.

I think it's overrated.

I just see life like it is.

People ask me, is the cup half full or is it half empty.

I just say hey, be happy you got a cup.

Have i always been like this?

I think there's a point in every kid's life..

Where they hear and see something and they go, what the..

Things are going great, life is great, and then..

For my friend Patti, it was my 9th birthday party.

But that bubble bursting moment is different for everyone.

Goldie has been sleeping for a really long time.

For me, it was when i heard the story of the Monkey Paw.

I mean you guys know that story right?

Guy goes into a pawn shop, tries to buy an evil Monkey Paw..

Why would anyone want this ugly thing?

It's great to honor three wishes.

I'll take it.

But the owner won't sell. Says it's too evil.

SO the guy steals it, and brings it home for his wife.

The wife is thrilled to get three wishes..

Even though the guy warns her that the Monkey Paw is evil..

The wife wishes for $100.

Suddenly the telephone rings, and they're informed that their son is dead.

Mangled to bit in some construction accident.

But the good news is they get $100 from the company.

The wife is totally distraught and wishes that the son was alive again.

Suddenly they hear a tapping noise coming from the front door..

But the husband realizes that if the son was alive again..

He would be this mangled tormented mess.

Oh my dear God.

So the husband used the third wish to wish that his son was dead again.

So in the end, all they get is $100 and a dead son.

And the moral of the story is..

Is.. -Be careful what you wish for.

What the..

What kind of children bedtime story is that? I freaked out.

I started to remember stuff i wished for..

I wish i didn't have to go to piano lesson.

That day there was a fire in my dad's dry cleaning business..

And since my dad didn't have insurance it wiped us out financially.

So hey, no more piano lesson.

And the time i wished for a puppy.

That's enough!

Well, my dad left us to live with his new girlfriend.

But the condo they were living in wouldn't take her dog.

My dad's girlfriend's used puppy.

That's my girl.

Crap.

It all made sense now, after the monkey paw, my bubble bursts.

Careful what you wish for is my mantra.

Make a wish, sweety.

I don't waste my time with hopes or wishes. I deal in facts.

Aren't you gonna make a wish?

Mostly useless.

But over the years, that useless knowledge has come in handy for my day job.

My not forever job.

As i write books.

Actually i write book.

But i plan on writing the second one once my first one is published.

But for now, i write a newspaper column.

Ask Mr Know It All.

How many hairs on a human head?

Well, that depends.

Is it a blonde, a brunette or a red head?

Over all, i am happy to have things just the way they are.

No changes, no surprises.

Hi, Sal. It's Patti!

Girl, we are famous!

What the.. -It's great news.

I don't want great news, how do we go from obscurity to this?

You're not lying to me, are you?

I would never lie to you.

Wait, actually scratch that.

I'll just send it to you, it'll explain everything.

Rock bottom. -That's right.

You wrote to a newspaper columnist.. -It's pretty simple.

And this.. -Like most answers..

Who is this Mr Know It All?

I just don't know.. -Mr Know It All writes for a newspaper..

A simple man, i'm sure. Because the answer.. ..Right in front of us..

All spiritual leaders..

We all need to reach out.

I just assume if i turn them at Passover, that it would be okay.

You have to have 3 months left on it.

Do you not even know Mr Know It All column?

No.

Time to disipline your kids is not when you're angry..

Disipline them when you're calm.

I know, it sounds so simple.

If it wasn't for Mr Know It All..

I would've kept on with the.. Ineffectual damaging screaming matches.

Mr Know It All said it's perfectly fine and happens to many guys.

So, i'm not the only one.

Sal!

Your column is breaking records.

Okay, you were right. It's not that bad.

I have even have some nipples about syndication..

We are so in the money, Sal!

Really? -Yes, really.

They want a picture.

No problem, i can send them the one that you took at the picnic last summer.

No, they think you're a guy.

Just tell them it's me. -I can't.

WHy not?

It's complicated.

How complicated can it be, Patti? You just send them my bio, they'll meet me and..

Oh.

Don't tell me. You lied?

And then you lied some more, and you probably lied some more. And now we can't get out of it.

If the readers find out that they have been had, we're history.

All they want is a picture, it's not a big deal.

Where am i gonna find a picture of Mr Know It All?

I don't know, wherever.

You will figure it out. Just get me a face.

Okay, and the 4th caller gets a free Mr. Know It All t-shirt.

Patti's right, it is not a big deal.

It's not that i lied..

It's just a picture.

Not even a picture, a drawing.

I doubt anyone would even recognize him.

And even if someone did, it probably would not make a difference to his life.

An ordinary guy..

Who lives an ordinary dull life.

So, you start with a lie.

A small one.

And now they want the real Mr Know It All.

There is no real Mr Know It All.

We are in big shit.

All we need is a video of the guy.

It'll buy us some time until we think of something else. How hard will it be? We'll hire a waiter.

A waiter?

Yeah, a waiter and actor. Whatever.

We'll film the guy and add a voice over.

And what do we do if he tells everyone he's a fake?

Then, we'll have to kill him.

Okay, that was a joke.

I got it.

One more and then we're even.

Just reminding you.

All done?

Yeah, boss.

I was gonna make sure that little weasel has sung his last song.

Weasels don't sing.

What?

A canary sings, not a weasel.

You're mixing your metaphores.

What time is it?

Where is Stella? We're gonna be late for Rocko's kids conformation.

She's always late.

Stella, come one!

Where are you taking me?

What are you wearing?

Uh.. A dress?

That looks stupid.

The girl at the store said it's the style these days.

So the style these days is to look stupid?

Come on, you can't go like that. You gotta change.

We're in a hurry, we're late and i'm hungry. Please.

Sorry.

It's okay, will you please just hurry up.

Will you guys do something? Like fix something, paint something, kill somebody. Just do something.

What's a metaphore?

Excuse me.

I've never done this before, but..

I just wanted to say that i'm a real fan.

And i love your work.

I can't believe that i have bumped into you like this.

It was a pleasure to meet you.

Totally Called Cars, Our pain is your gain.

I'm calling my marker.

What? No hey Bud, what's new, How have you been?

Hi, Bud what's new? How have you been?