Brooklyn Nine-Nine

What's this meeting about?

Did someone find my meatball sub?

A, we would never have a meeting about that.

- B, you are holding it. - Oh.

Meeting adjourned.

Meeting's not over, dummy.

Terry said he had some news from the office

of Commissioner Wuntch.

What does that human blister want now?

Does she intend to demote me even further?

Or perhaps she'll transfer me to the swamps of New Jersey

so I can patrol the sinkhole where she was spawned.

Or it's possible the announcement has nothing

- to do with you. - Oh, good thinking, Peralta.

You're right.

Maybe Madeline wants to inform

us all that she's a Cheuksin.

- A what? - A Cheuksin.

A Korean toilet ghost, lives in an outhouse,

wraps her hair around your throat and chokes you to death

- while you move your bowels. - You know what?

I will give you $6,000 if the announcement

is she's a Cheuksin.

- Okay, everyone. - I have some news.

That Madeline Wuntch is a Korean toilet ghost?

Boring. We already knew that.

Madeline Wuntch is dead.

Say what now?

- Wait, Wuntch is dead? - Yeah.

The Commissioner's office just notified us.

No way that's true.

As Wuntch says when she sees deodorant,

"I'm not buying it."

- Sir, she's dead. - Oh, Terry.

Zombies can't die. This is some sort of scam.

If she were dead,

we would be hearing the sounds of children

- singing in the streets. - I don't know, sir.

You didn't believe it when we told you

the Disco Strangler died, either.

- And I was right. - He was faking it.

Maybe she's alive.

Why would Wuntch fake her own death?

The same reason she visits Mexico once a year

and sucks the blood from all the goats.

For kicks.

Look, I don't know what to tell you,

but she's dead. What do you want?

To open up her coffin and check for yourself?

Oh, she's very dead.

Hello, gentlemen.

Guess who's walking the red carpet this Saturday?

- Chord Overstreet. - Who?

- Sam Evans from "Glee." - No, me.

Why would you guess that? I was clearly talking about me.

Okay, but for the record,

I bet Chord Overstreet will also be walking one.

Stop talking about Chord Overstreet.

No, I'm going to the world premiere

of "Kwazy Kupcakes: The Movie."

- Whoa! - How'd you get the invite?

- My buddy Mikey J. - Hooked me up.

- Oh, your ska friend? - Did he work on the movie?

No, he submitted an unsolicited script

that a producer accidentally opened

so legally they had to give him a "story by" credit,

and now I've got four tickets.

- Wow. - So who you bringing?

You know, Cagney and Lacey love "Kwazy Kupcakes."

- They are crazy Kwazy fans. - Huh, cool.

Well, if you guys are free this Saturday...

Stop, before you say anything you regret,

you should know that "Kwazy Kupcakes"

means a lot to Nikolaj.

At the orphanage that game was his only friend.

Touching, but Cagney and Lacey

don't have any friends at all.

Maybe they can make some at this event.

So what do you say, Jake?

- Whose kids do you like more? - What?

Wait, wait, wait. That's not what this is about.

No, Boyle's right. Whose kids do you like more?

- Tell us now. - Okay.

You guys are being really intense.

I like all of your kids an equal amount.

Just give me some space and I'll figure out

- who I'm gonna take. - Okay, backing off.

- Stepping away. - Making room.

- Letting you breathe. - Thank you.

Did you both just send me pictures of your kids crying?

Both: No.

Ding, dong, the Wuntch is dead.

Bagels for everyone!

So I guess you believe it now.

Yep. Wanna see the selfies I took?

- Actually, yes. - I'll share the album with you.

Oh, my God!

I just heard about Wuntch!

She was so young!

For a redwood tree.

Uh, I don't understand what's going on.

- Why are you crying? - A person is dead.

- I feel sad. - That's insane.

You don't feel sad when a monster dies

in a monster movie.

In "E.T.,"

do you feel sad when E.T. dies?

- Yes. - He wasn't a monster.

- He caused a real commotion. - It isn't just Wuntch.

I started seeing a fertility doctor

and she has me taking hormones to help with ovulation

and my emotions are in overdrive.

Well, I know just the thing to cheer you up.

Wuntch is dead! Bagel!

Bagel! Bagel!

Sir, I am loving this color on you,

but don't you think you should tone it down?

Why, in case I run into her family?

I'm not planning any trips to the Bronx Zoo.

Wait.

Does this mean you're gonna be captain again?

It does.

The Chief of Personnel called

to say the promotion is in the works.

Her death means I've won.

It's finally over.

An email from Madeline Wuntch?

Subject line, "It's not over."

My friends,

I have a proclamation to bestow upon ye.

Why are you talking like that?

And why'd you have us come in here?

Is this about the tickets?

It is indeed about said tickets,

and said proclamation about said tickets is in fact...

Jake, just tell us. No one is liking this.

I'm loving it. You sound so smart.

Oh, thank you, my loyal subject Charles.

Now, as you know, this decision has been quite hard upon me...

Title of mine sex tape... but I have made it at long last,

and it is my decree that the recipient shall be...

- Both of you. - What?

Did you talk to Mikey J. And get more tickets?

Indeed I did not,

but it is my decision

that I will cut all

- of said tickets in twain. - Twain?

Terry doesn't want a twained ticket to "Kwazy Kupcakes."

That's not how tickets work.

- You'd just be ruining them. - None of us would get in.

- Are you dumb? - No!

All right, full disclosure.

I was trying to do that Bible thing

and then one of you was gonna take the high road

and say that rather than see the tickets destroyed,

you would just bow out,

and then that person

was gonna get the tickets.

Nope.

If I don't get them, no one does.

Agreed. Boyles or bust.

- Cut them up. - I'm not gonna do that.

I'm just gonna have to think of another way to figure this out.

Stupid Bible with stupid lessons never solved crap!

So you were right.

Wuntch was not able to claw through her coffin

and write the email herself.

It turns out, the lawyer for her estate sent it.

I wish I had taken the LSATs.

Not to be a lawyer. Just seems like a fun test.

- Dude, you're bumming us out. - All right.

Uh, the email contains a link to a video.

I'm going to play it. Brace yourselves.

If it shows Madeline,

be sure not to look directly into her eyes.

- Because we'll turn to stone? - No.

Because her eyes are ugly.

Hello, Raymond. Surprised to see me?

Well, I didn't say Bloody Mary three times,

- so yes. - When did she record this?

Judging by the flames around her,

it could be a livestream.

Very good, Rosa.

I'm sure you consider my untimely death a victory,

but I'd never let you win.

I told everyone that in my final days,

we reconciled and you insisted on hosting and organizing

my NYPD memorial service.

I know you won't be able to resist badmouthing me

at the service.

All the top brass will be there,

and when you speak ill of me,

it will end your career.

It's over. I won.

Bye, Raymond.

- Oh, no. - I'm doomed.

Seriously?

All you have to do is not insult a dead woman

- at her own memorial service. - Exactly.

It's impossible.