Louie

Eww, no! No. No, no.

Dad, we hate those.

Yeah, that's why I get them,

because then they last longer.

If I get the ones you like, they'll be gone in a day.

That's really depressing.

I know, my mom did the same thing.

Sorry.

You okay, Daddy? Yeah, I'm okay.

Do you have to poop right now?

Dad, just go in the store.

They'll let you. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I'll make it, it's okay.

Daddy can't poop in public.

Do you know the price of this?

It doesn't have a price tag.

It's okay, we don't need it,

don't need it, don't need it. No, I love those.

It'll only take a second to check the price.

No, please don't, please just, let's--

Daddy!

Just get candy, get candy.

Cool. Hey!

You get candy, get some candy, I don't care.

Okay, that's enough, please, that's enough.

We-- That's-- Stop there, okay?

You don't want any of this?

Just take this shit, this...

Thank you very much, thank you very much.

Sorry, I love you. Bye. Let's go, let's go. But...I...

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Please, please. Please hurry.

Come on. Let's go.

Lookin' nervous.

Are you-- are you okay? Are you okay, Daddy?

Okay, okay. I'm gonna make it,

I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna make it.

Yeah? Okay.

Daddy, please, just run.

I can't run, it'll make it worse.

Dad! Oh!

Come on!

Dad, oh, my God, go in this deli.

No, no, no... Hurry up, come on, Daddy!

Yes, go in the deli. Okay, okay, okay.

Go! Just go in, okay? All right.

Hurry up, go! Oh!

Better than a tree, right? Come on.

Okay. Sir...

can I please use your bathroom?

No, no, no bathroom.

I'll buy some-- I'll pay you $20.

No, there's no bathroom.

Where do you go?

Sir, please. Please!

My dad has to go really, really bad.

It's poo-poo! No!

Please, you don't understand.

Please, listen, it's an emergency!

It's an emergency! No.

You don't understand. No poo-poo here!

You're mean! You are a mean man!

Okay, okay, okay. No.

You're a little white bitch.

Come on.

All right.

Come on, be strong. You can do it!

Don't look back, come on.

I-- Come on, you can make it, let's go.

It's just poo-poo.

Come on, Dad.

Come on! Go!

You can do it, Daddy, you can do it.

You can do it.

Police, police!

What's the problem? Help my daddy!

He has to take a huge poo and no one will help him.

I can't help you.

Jane! Keep going, Daddy.

Come on, Daddy, it's only two more blocks!

What are you-- what are you doing?

Come on!

I'm not gonna make it.

What?

I know I'm not gonna make it

and I'm in a lot of pain.

Oh, my God. Oh, Daddy!

Oh, yeah. Daddy! No, Daddy!

Jane, come on.

Just go, just go. No, Daddy!

Jane, be strong. Go down the block!

Daddy! Jane, be strong!

Just get away from me. Daddy!

Jane, let him go! Daddy, no!

Just go way, way-- Don't look at me!

Don't look at me! We have to be strong!

Daddy! Jane, come on!

I love you! Daddy!

Let him go, let him go.

No! Let him go.

It's gonna be okay, Jane, okay?

It's gonna be okay. You have to be strong.

All right, thanks a lot, you guys.

You're very nice.

Good job.

Let's hear it for Louie C.K.

Wow, that-- I was in the American Car Awards.

And, uh, it was good.

I'm supposed to, uh-- Thanks for coming.

Louie, Louie.

Hey, Matchy, what's up?

Hey, buddy, can you help me out with something?

What do you need? Look, I got an open mic.

It's supposed to start right now. Yeah?

Ralphie was gonna host it. He's a-- he's a no-show.

Can you-- can you host it for me?

No, no, no, no, no.

Come on, come on, it's easy. What's the problem?

You-- you do ten minutes, you run the lottery,

you give everybody five minutes each,

and then you, eh, you go home.

I can't do it.

I gotta go, I got somewhere to go.

Where you gotta go? I gotta go somewhere.

All right, I'll-- I'll give you 500 bucks.

400 bucks!

You just said 500. Yeah, that was before.

Before? It was barely-- It was almost after.

Come on. 500 bucks.

I'll do it, but you give me 500 bucks.

All right, fine, 500.

All right, 400.

Really, why? You ruined the 500 for me.

Just give me 400, it's okay.

All right, here. Thanks.

Here. Great, okay.

Don't-- don't put two girls on in a row.

You guys are here for the, uh, open mic?

All right.

Okay, here's how it's gonna work.

We're doing a lottery.

That's what we're doing.

I wish there was a camera on the inside of my head

and the inside of all of your heads,

and we could project it onto the wall...

over each other,

and then we wouldn't have to do anything.

Have a good night. Thanks for coming.

Lisa Swanson.

Okay.

Dorothy Shammel.

You're not supposed to put two women on in a row.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the Comic Strip.

Tonight is open mic night

with your host, Louie C.K.!

Hey!

All right!

Thank you very much. Welcome!

Thank you for being here for open mic night, everybody.

Uh, I-- I don't know-- how many of you--

I'm not even gonna ask.

Open mic night is where we--

It's a-- Anybody can get on stage.

Doesn't that sound great? Um...

These are new comedians.

They're doing about five minutes each.

These are people who, uh--

Some of them have never done it before.

Uh, and that's it. We're gonna--

And we're gonna have fun. It's fun, right?

You gonna support these... people?

These-- Okay...

Thank you for that. So, let's start our show

with our first terrified young fellow.

Please welcome Mr. Mike Bocchetti.

Give him a hand, please.

Let's hear it for Mike Bocchetti.

Thank you, Louie. Yeah, good luck, man.

Hi, guys. How are you?

Most of the women I have sex with are all the same.

They're plastic.

Uh, excuse me? Yeah?

Hi, I'm Bart Folding, I'm up next.

Bart, right.

Okay. What's wrong?

Could you watch me?

What?

Could you watch me and then give me a critique?

Oh, dude, I don't--

Please. I don't know.

It would-- it would mean a lot.

You-- you don't-- you don't--

I gotta go, guys. You were amazing, thank you.

Oh! Sorry.

Mike Bocchetti!

Give him a hand.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a fella

who I-- I gather he's new at this,