8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

Jon Richardson,

Sean Lock,

Joe Wilkinson,

Kerry Godliman,

Mr Swallow,

Susie Dent,

Rachel Riley,

and your host, Jimmy-y-y-y Carr!

Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.

The show with the host who probably shouldn't have upset the Autocue lady,

because she controls what I say.

I've got a tiny penis.

Let's get started.

Let's meet tonight's players. OK, first up, it's team captain

Jon Richardson!

Jon is from Lancaster. Cold, boring and wet,

Jon is a valued member of the Countdown team.

And Jon's team-mate, Joe Wilkinson!

Joe's got a unique look, which is just as well.

You wouldn't want too many of THOSE wandering round.

Up against them this evening, it's team captain Sean Lock!

Thank you.

Sean Lock is a man of his word,

and that word is "no".

And joining Sean tonight, it's Kerry Godliman!

Fun fact, Kerry is a big fan of the Sylvanian Families toys.

Tiny, rat-like creatures that dress like olde worlde humans.

Well, if we'd know that before, we would've put you on Jon's team.

Sean, how, er, how do you let off steam?

What I like to do when I'm out and about in the town centre, um...

..I, er, I like to go to a bed shop

and see if I can get around the whole shop

jumping from bed to bed.

Are they fine with that in the store?

No, they don't have a chance. They don't know you're gonna do that when you walk in.

You're halfway round the shop before they've realised what you're up to.

As long as you've gone first,

and the people that are with you are following you...

You go, "Boing, wahhh!"

Now, Kerry, your first time on Cats Does Countdown. Yeah.

Are you gonna be better with the letters or the numbers?

I reckon, er... letters more than numbers.

I don't understand numbers, I don't like numbers.

I don't see the point of numbers.

We should phase them out.

Well, I think we need... Up to five feels reasonable. Yes.

And then it should just go to "many". Yes! Exactly.

That's how I did my tax return.

That was the gist.

Joe, has, er... has anyone annoyed you lately?

Yeah. I, er, I went to a wedding, recently.

That annoyed me.

I'll tell you what annoyed me. How come, right, at a wedding,

you can throw rice, but you can't throw a naan bread?

When you say that out loud, it doesn't make any sense at all.

Or... a bit of your Madras.

You know what I mean? It annoys me, but...

They threw me out the church, but, um...

..didn't bother me, I wasn't invited.

Jon, it says here you're now on Instagram?

That's right, grandad.

We just call it The Gram.

So, I posted a picture of a cutlery drawer which I liked. Erm...

I think... I think we have it, yes. Oh!

Is that your cutlery drawer? No, that was on holiday.

Oh, right, right. Erm...

I can't figure out if that's worse.

What? Little, er...

Well, your cutlery drawer, or you went away on holiday and went,

"Ooh, hello! Little highlight."

So, what, that's... You were... That's a rented cottage in Portugal.

And you were happy with that? I was over the moon with that.

You're thinking, "Shit, I might have to go to the beach.

"Oh, no, I'll just stay here for a week. Thank you very much."

I don't know what people thought of that.

I put the picture out, people liked it.

I put a picture of a butterfly out I liked. We've got that.

Red Admiral. It's not. I thought it was.

That's a Red Admiral. It's not.

Fuck you, that's a Red Admiral.

It's not a Red Admiral, it was bigger than...

We've had a Red Admiral in the garden, I'm not showing off.

That's actually a painted field mouse.

Kerry, have you got a mascot? Did you bring a mascot with you? I did.

Oh, go on, what sort of thing? Uh, this is my mascot.

Um, this is... Oh.

Is he depressed?

This is Loft Dog.

It's lived in the loft of every house I've ever lived in,

all my life. I mean, I should've chucked it out years ago.

Whenever I move, I always end up just... There we go!

I always end up just keeping it.

I don't seem to be able to let it go, and I really should let it go.

Your producer, when I said I was gonna bring it, said,

"Oh, has it got a brand or a label on it, for clearance?"

I said, "It hasn't got a face."

So I think we're going to be... I think we're going to be fine.

And you're not attached to it, other than...

I've got mixed feelings about it. Right.

You don't cuddle it or anything?

Oh, God, it's probably riddled with all kinds of diseases.

If you want to get rid of it, I'll set light to it, if you want.

I might take you up on that, Joe.

It'd be my honour.

Er, Jon, have you got a mascot? Uh, yes.

So, I'm away a lot, at the moment, and I miss my daughter,

so I grabbed some of her things, and I take them with me.

So, this is her teddy, and I take it on tour with me.

And I take little pictures of him in the dressing room,

and I tell her that he's keeping me company.

So, I brought... Teddy, there, is going to sit and help.

And this is, actually, this is very clean.

Too clean, to be honest.

Reeks of bleach.

And I've started... She's got to an age where she draws pictures now.

So, this is... this is her favourite thing to do.

She gets each crayon out of the box...

..and she does one little squiggle

and then she puts the lid on and puts it back,

and she does all of them,

and that's how I know she's mine.

Genuinely brings her no joy whatsoever.

She started, so she goes through...

And we went to National Space Centre, Leicester.

So, we go there, and we draw, erm, space pictures.

So, there's, like... She loves the moon.

That's the moon, there.

Erm, and an alien.

That's, er... Saturn's our favourite planet,

cos of the rings. So she's done that.

That's a rocket. I thought you'd like that,

cos it looks a bit like a willy, doesn't it?

So, I'll put that one there.

This... Now, I love this.

She's... Her imagination...

So, when I go away now...

This is quite upsetting, but I'm away gigging at weekends,

and we do this, she's created

a character called Weekend Daddy, erm...

She drew this at nursery, and when I leave,

Weekend Daddy comes to play with her.

The imagination's incredible.

He's got a little dog, he's got a little tool belt there,

that he carries his little tools on, he's got a tattoo.

There she is on the swing,

and there's Mummy and Weekend Daddy, there.

I think that's her way of saying she misses me.

What else have I got?

Oh, bollocks, I've brought the bloody...

I've brought the monitor.

Gonna get bollocked for that when I get home.

I scooped a load of stuff on.

It won't work from this far, I don't imagine.

Weekend Daddy!

Oh, flowers for me? Oh, thanks, Robert.

Yeah, no, he's not in. No, no, we're OK, yeah.

Oh, how sweet.

Robert?

Robert?

Robert?

Well, that's my mascot.

You should... you should get more acting work.

I know.

Aw... Aw, God...

There... there was a minute then, I thought,

"I might really go for this."

Really go for it!

OK, Sean, have you got a mascot?

You know that there's, erm...

We obviously use language... to tell people stuff.

Important messages and... Wow.

..are relayed by language. What an insight.

We also use signs, don't we? Yes.

We use signs, don't we? Yes, we do.

And they're sometimes more powerful than language, aren't they? Signs?

And, er, we also use cones... don't we?

I didn't really think about the mascot, but...

I did, but I didn't think about how to introduce it.

I got some cones!

Imagine if you had a cone like this!

"Caution. Frosty atmosphere."

You know, you'd put it between, say, um...

..you and Susie.

Frosty atmosphere. Or with... with Robert.

Robert!

Robert!

You know. Here's another funny cone.

Or this one! If there was...

..a snake loose. And you saw that.

You know, you've pulled in at a service station

and you walk in and you see that.

First of all, you think it means toilets are being cleaned,

then you read it, you go,

"Snake... loose?!"

Funny cone number two.

Erm, I've got this one.

Can you pass that to Jimmy?

This... this has just been done, in fairness.