Easy A

The rumors of my promiscuity have been greatly exaggerated.

I used to be anonymous, invisible to the opposite sex.

If Google Earth were a guy...

...he couldn't find me if I was dressed up as a 10-story building.

Pretty cutting-edge stuff, huh? A high school girl feeling anonymous.

Who am I? What does it all mean? Why am I here? Blah.

But don't worry, this isn't one of those tales.

Though it sure started out that way.

And then it changed pretty quickly when I started lying...

...about some very personal things.

So let the record show that I, Olive Penderghast...

...being of sound mind, and below-average breast size...

...swear to tell the truth, the whole truth...

...and nothing but the truth. Starting now.

And what better way to share my private thoughts...

...than to broadcast them on the Internet?

So here it is. Part one.

The shudder-inducing and clichéd, however totally false account...

...of how I lost my virginity to a guy at a community college.

Let me just begin by saying that there are two sides to every story.

And this is my side, the right one.

George is not a sexy name.

George is what you name your teddy bear...

...not the name you wanna scream out during climax.

And by that, I assume you mean...?

The stable and self-perpetuating end stage...

...in the evolution of a plant community.

- Right. - Why, what were you thinking?

The same. But I don't say it out loud lest someone get the wrong idea.

I think you know innuendo is attached to everything these days.

Innuendo? What--? Whatever do you mean?

Rhiannon, Olive, go hit the books. They don't hit back.

Also, hugs not drugs. Mess with the bull, get the horns.

And any other clichés you can come up with.

Bye, Mr. Griffith.

Bye.

- Watch your mouth. - Sorry.

Mr. Griffith is my favorite teacher.

Although, after all the trouble I caused...

...I don't know if I'm still his favorite student.

You know, these are bad for you.

It leads to unwanted pregnancy, all sorts of things.

Mismatched tires on your vehicle, which is nonexistent.

And here is where the trouble began. The lie that started the whole thing.

Please, please, I'm begging you. I will pay you. I'll pay you.

Rhi, I cannot go camping with you, okay?

I'm sorry, but I have a date.

- Okay? I told you. - With who?

- You don't know him. - And neither do you, you selfish bitch.

Yes, I do. He goes to college with my brother.

Okay. What's his name, then?

Rhiannon is what you'd call a strong personality.

She asked me to come camping with her family...

...and I don't know why I didn't wanna go.

A little because I didn't feel like hanging out with her all weekend.

But mostly because her parents are the weirdest people I have ever met...

...and I live in California.

I ate dinner at her house once and I swore, never again.

- This is interesting. - Patchouli burger.

We grew it in our victory garden.

You want some dessert?

No, thank you. I'm trying to watch my figure.

Well, I'm not.

So I lied and told her I couldn't go...

...because I had a date with a friend of my brother's named George.

Let's just face it, there is no such thing as a sexy George.

Yeah, well, mine is...

...so I think we should just put this conversation to bed.

Fine, don't go camping with us. Just know I hate you, bitch.

Go get your chocolate milk.

- Do you want one? - No.

And here's how I really spent the weekend.

That's the worst song ever.

But on Monday, when Rhi asked me how my weekend was...

He was charming, you know? He was a real gentleman.

And it feels like I got a love and I know that it's all mine.

Okay, okay. Wait, wait. So are you going to see him again?

No. No, probably not. You know, it was just one of those weekends.

A whole weekend?

Yup.

- Wait a minute. You didn't have--? - What?

No. No, of course not.

You liar. You totally lost your V-card to him.

- No, I didn't. - Yes, you did.

- Tell me everything. - Rhi, I'm not that kind of girl.

The kind that does it, or the kind that does it...

...and doesn't have the balls to tell her friend?

- What? - I want every detail.

- Rhi. - Now, bitch.

You know, you call me "bitch" a lot. Okay?

- It's not a term of endearment. - I want every detail. Now, shit face.

You're not heading in the right direction.

Tell me.

Fine.

We did it.

Yes!

Finally. Now you're a super slut like me.

I don't think letting Peter Hedlund motorboat you...

...behind a Bed Bath & Beyond really makes you a super slut.

There were a lot of people walking past. Someone could've easily seen.

Whatever. This isn't about me, this is about you.

What'd you let him do?

It was normal. You know? Nothing freaky.

I don't know why I did it.

I guess maybe it was because it was the first time...

...I had sort of felt superior to Rhi.

But I just started piling on lie after lie. It was like setting up Jenga.

Do you know, like, Glade candles?

Those kind, but they were, like, sexy Glade candles.

- He was sweet. He was... - Of course.

What the hell are you looking at, Sister Christian?

Just a couple of admitted whores.

Marianne Bryant is the secretary of the student council...

...chairman of the Orange Blossom dance committee...

...and president of the Cross Your Heart Club...

...a club dedicated to shoving their beliefs down people's throats.

Obviously they don't care.

Last year's cause célèbre was the changing of the school mascot.

Give it up for your Blue Devils!

Blue!

Blue Devil!

Yeah.

Yeah!

How can we exhibit school pride when we're conveyed to others...

...as Satan worshippers?

Now, thankfully, we're the much less intimidating...

Give it up for the Woodchucks!

Hey! Go, Woodchucks!

Woodchucks!

I liked Todd much better when he was topless.

Yeah, but even dressed as a woodchuck, I still fantasize about him.

Woodchucks.

Now Marianne had a new cause célèbre.

Me.

Which brings us to part two.

The accelerated velocity of terminological inexactitude.

Which is really just my obnoxious way of saying that lies travel fast.

And, boy, did my terminological inexactitude accelerate with velocity.

Did you hear about Olive?

No way.

- She's not a virgin anymore? - I can't believe it.

- Olive lost her virginity. - Yeah.

Maybe next time a certain somebody will be a little more careful...

...what she says in the water closet.

Yeah, about that? It's-- That's actually not what you think.

Can I talk to you alone for a second?

- You gonna be okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.

Bye, Nina.

What you heard in the bathroom the other day wasn't true at all.

- It's actually a funny story. - Olive. That's your name, right?

Yeah, yeah. And you're Marianne.

We've had nine classes together since kindergarten.

Ten, if you count Religion of Other Cultures, which you didn't...

...because you refused to go.

Yeah. Listen, I'm not the one that you have to answer to...

...for your depraved behavior.

There's a higher power that will judge you for your indecency.

Tom Cruise?

I hope for your sake that God has a sense of humor.

Oh, I have 17 years' worth of anecdotal proof he does.

You've made your bed.

I just hope for your sake that you've cleaned the sheets.

- Did I just get saved? - I missed you.

Oh, you too.

So Marianne spread the rumor.

For the first time ever, my sexual exploits were the talk of the school.

Oh, you know what? I'm wrong. It was the second time.

The first time was back in 8th grade...

...when all I wanted was a kiss from this guy I had always had a crush on.

Todd and I were thrown together in Seven Minutes of Heaven.

Luckily we had a super romantic song from our youth to set the mood.

I think this is the part...

...where you're supposed to stick your tongue in my mouth.

That's what I've heard, anyway.

Just give me a second, okay?

According to my watch, you have 382 of them.

- How do you do that? - What?

Add so fast. And you also talk like a grown-up.

Don't worry, I'm not nearly as smart as I think I am.

So if we didn't do anything, could you still tell people we kissed?

Absolutely.

- Thanks, Olive. - Sure, Todd.

I actually didn't wanna lie that time.

When people thought I'd kissed someone, they didn't care.

But when they thought I slept with someone...

Hey, Olive. How's it going?

I'm swell, Guy-I've-Never-Talked-to-Before.

Thanks for asking.

All I could think to myself was, "Great, now I'm a tramp."

I'm gonna have to get a lower-back tattoo...

...and pierce something not on my face.

You guys know that I was here all weekend, right?

- Yeah. - Yes, you were upstairs.

- Yeah. - You would testify to that?

- Yeah. - I would take a bullet for you.

You know that. Right between the eyes.

Man, I would slit my throat...

...rather than say something to someone...

- ...that you didn't want me to say. - That's not necessary.

- But that is comforting. - That's how I am, how I roll.