The Neighborhood

Calvin, you got to check this out. Look at this.

My refrigerator is 36 degrees right now.

Look-look, Dave, I don't care. The Lakers have the ball.

It's one minute left. All right, get your app out my face.

No. You're not gonna say that

when you see what this thing can do.

I can change the temperature in my refrigerator

from anywhere in the world. Look at that.

I have never changed

the temperature in my fridge, ever.

All right? Either it's cold or it's broken. Okay? Now, please.

Calvin, you-you got to see all these options.

I can get a notification every time an ice cube drops,

but with one swipe, I can even mirror it on my TV.

You just mirrored it on my TV.

I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Look, I didn't mean to. Um...

Look, the shot was in the air, man. Come on.

Relax. I can get it back. Just give me a second.

Here we go.

Okay, uh...

Hah. There it is.

See that? Lakers won.

You didn't miss anything.

I missed them winning.

I feel your pain. Did you see the Housewives finale?

I didn't. I saw the crisper get two degrees colder.

Yeah, well, men love their gadgets.

Their stupid, stupid gadgets.

Well, he got his smart fridge

and I got to upgrade our bathrooms.

You've got to come over and see.

It's like I have my own spa.

Aw, I'm jealous.

Really, Tina?

We just did a big renovation after the earthquake.

Brand-new kitchen, brand-new living room.

Yeah, but not the bathrooms.

And now the rest of the house looks so good

and the bathrooms look horrible.

Or...

maybe ugly bathrooms

make you appreciate how beautiful

the rest of the house is.

It's how you look at things.

Glass half-full.

Nah. That's like shaving one leg

and the other leg looks like Sasquatch.

Come on.

Babe, they're bathrooms, okay?

You go in there, you do your business,

you scroll on Instagram 45 minutes

until your legs go to sleep, and then you get up.

Baby, this is gonna be our forever home, okay?

Don't you want it to be perfect?

Don't you want new tiles?

A steam shower... A bidet. They're amazing.

Ooh, a bidet. Okay.

Look, we just sank all that money into the Fusebox.

Now is not the time to be bidet-ing.

Well... You should do what we did.

Get a home equity line of credit.

Who needs all that paperwork? Oh, it's really easy.

Bank just sent somebody over for a walk-through

and actually appraised for way more than we thought it would.

You should give it a try.

What is this, a commercial?

"We should give it a try."

Oh, thank you, baby! No, no.

I'll call the bank in the morning.

No...

Well, as you can see, we have an open floor plan.

They call this the great room.

I'm sure you would agree.

Yeah, it's nice. Mm.

Tina, Tina, let the man do his job, okay?

Oh, come on, baby.

Get with the program.

Okay, look, Tina, I am fine

with whatever you want,

except for this bidet thing.

I like the water in my toilet

to go one direction: down, not up.

So... is that coffee?

Yes, it is.

Great. Great. Um...

Do you think that's a great idea for our baby?

Marty, don't start before I have my coffee.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Only that's what I'm starting about.

I asked my doctor and she said a moderate amount is fine.

And before you ask,

the doctor also said it's okay to have a glass of wine.

Great, great. So, the baby's gonna be a jittery alcoholic.

Are we done here? I kind of have work to do.

Uh, we need to talk about your car.

What about it?

It's a convertible.

What's wrong with that? It's fun.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know what's not fun?

When you hit a pothole and the baby in the car seat goes

flying out and lands on a tree three blocks away.

So, in this scenario,

I didn't buckle the baby into the car seat?

That is not what I'm saying.

Well, where is this baby getting

such a high launch trajectory?

Oh.

I'm driving on a planet

with no gravity.

Did I miss something? Have we colonized the moon?

Okay, first of all,

we're closer than you think.

And I'm-I'm just saying maybe a car with a roof

makes more sense for a baby.

Marty, I appreciate your concern. Thank you.

Yeah. Okay.

Uh, wait, so-so what does that mean?

It means my feet are swollen,

I can barely fit into my jeans,

and I have thrown up three times today.

All right, all right, uh, fair enough.

I am backing off.

Oh, my God, woman-- sushi?!

Do you know how much mercury is in that?

Malcolm.

Malcolm.

Wait, Malcolm.

Guess what the temperature is in my freezer right now.

I'm gonna say, uh...

"I don't give a damn" degrees.

Close. It's 23.

Look, the e-mail just came in with our new appraisal.

Ooh, here comes our money.

Well, all right, all right.

What did it say? Well, it's still loading.

Must be big.

What the hell?

Calvin, look at this.

What the hell?

Do we live in a bucket?

Why is this so much less than yours

when we're 20 feet apart with the same square footage?

Okay, you know what? Don't worry.

I'm sure if you, if you put a little TLC in,

you know, you fix up the steps,

you spruce up the dated color scheme,

I'm sure... Uh...

Dave, it's not the color of the house.

It's the color of the people who live here.

Oh, man. I mean, you hear about this stuff,

but you're always surprised when it happens to you.

This is straight-up institutional racism.

Preach. Can I get a amen?

Amen. Won't he do it?

I've always wanted to do that.

What's going on?

Look-look how little

they're saying our house is worth.

Now, now, we don't know what went into this.

M... (sighs) Maybe the appraiser found some sort of killer mold.

What color mold, Dave? Black?

I don't see color in mold.

You know what? I know how we can get a decent loan.

We're gonna call that bank back and get a second appraiser,

and when he shows up, guess what? What?

Calvin and Tina Butler-- they're gonna be white people.

Yeah. You mean get another couple to pretend to be us?

This is a great idea, but who we thinking?

I think it should be Kevin Bacon and Reese Witherspoon.

It's us, Dave. We're the white Butlers.

Oh.

Well, all right!

Okay, family pictures,

Black artwork-- it's all got to go.

We got to whiten this place up. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Gemma, did you bring the good stuff?

"It's wine o'clock."

Yes! Perfect.

All right, I brought some music.

I've got the trifecta, the three Kenny's:

Loggins, Rogers, and G.

I guess we need to hide the Kenny Latimore.

Okay?

Who's Kenny Latimore?

See?

I'm gonna take another load of your shoes

over to our place, Pop. Okay, good.

Okay, I just got to ask.

Why is it that Black people have so many pairs of shoes?

Oh, hey, you know what?

That is a fair enough question

because I always wanted to know

how do white people get away with so few? Yes.

You know,

you need shoes for every occasion.

Right.

You got gym shoes, you got work shoes,

you got church shoes,

you got movie shoes, coffee shoes,

chillin' shoes and shoe shopping shoes.