Two and a Half Men

I don't usually meet women as beautiful as you

at a tech convention.

Aw, that's very sweet.

And you were definitely the hottest guy there.

Thank you. Although, to be fair,

being the hottest guy at a tech convention is kind of like...

well, being the hottest guy at a tech convention.

Although, once, I saw Justin Timberlake

at a Microsoft party.

Lady boner!

Yes, he did bring sexy back to Windows 8.

So, you said you work for Google?

That's right, in the modeling department.

Oh, that's awesome. Like graphic rendering

and 3-D imaging?

More like pointing.

"New from Google,

confusing tech crap."

Oh, so you're, like, a model-model?

Yep. You can't spell Google without "ogle."

Can you?

No, you can't.

But being a model at tech shows isn't what I really want to do.

I just do it to pay the bills.

Oh, I get it. What's your ultimate goal?

I want to help teach people to read.

Oh, that's noble. So, you want to be a teacher.

No, I want to be the next Vanna White.

Oh, you're serious.

Yeah. I mean, she has an amazing job,

she wears amazing outfits and she has amazing hair.

Somebody needs to buy a new, amazing adjective.

You can't buy adjectives.

You can only buy vowels.

Right.

Only vowels.

Well, I owe you another drink.

"O." "K."

Certainly won't be any "I" in "U" tonight.

Wow, that girl is gorgeous.

Yeah, she's a model.

We don't really have a connection.

She's not very bright.

I think she thinks Silicon Valley is the place

where women go to get a boob job.

Oh, you want intellectual stimulation.

Uh, why don't you watch an episode of Nova

while you're banging her brains out?

No, I'm gonna go tell her it's not gonna work out.

Well, if you don't want her, can I have her?

Oh, sure, let's change shirts. Maybe she won't notice.

Oh, she's that dumb?

Great.

Walden!

Look, a seagu...

Oh, my God.

Wait.

We didn't switch shirts yet.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

Hey, what's going on?

I was cleaning out my closet

and I found a box of Jake's old stuff.

Aw, that's sweet.

Who's Jake?

My son. Y-Your cousin.

Oh, right.

Oh, and how did he die?

Oh, no, h-he's not dead. He's in the Army.

Huh.

Ah. Nice bong.

Guess he's not fighting the war on drugs.

No, that-that is a hummingbird feeder.

He made it in art class.

And in shop class, I made a train whistle.

Weed, weed!

No, no, seriously.

Uh, one summer, back in high school,

he and his friends got into bird watching.

They'd spend all day out in the woods, and they'd...

they'd come back laughing and...

Oh, God, I'm an idiot.

Don't worry. All parents are idiots.

My mom used to think I was locked in the bathroom all day

with an electric toothbrush.

My first wife was always using her electric tooth...

God, I am an idiot.

Oh, look at this. One of his old report cards.

Oh, you can still see where he tried to change his grades.

Yeah, he changed the C's.

To D's.

Yeah. That was the year his bus got a little shorter.

But, you know, in his defense,

his teacher changed that year, too.

She went from C's to D's.

Is this how you're spending your night?

Oh, no, no. Later, I'm going to shave my back.

Oh, actually, if you're not busy...

I am. And so are you.

I'm gonna get a drink. Where's Walden?

Oh, he had to take his date to the hospital.

Ooh, what are they pulling out, and from where?

No, it-it's nothing like that.

She was looking up at the sky and she fell off the deck.

High? No.

Drunk? No.

Model? Yeah.

How you feeling?

I'm all right.

Uh, well, we need to fill out this paperwork.

So, uh, first name, Nadine.

This is awkward. I don't know your last name.

It's H-O-R-E.

H-O-R-E.

Like "hooray"?

No, like "whore."

You think I should change it?

No, be proud.

I'm sure you come from a long line of... Hores.

Uh, any relatives I can call?

No, they're all back east.

I'm the only Hore in Los Angeles.

Agree to disagree.

Emergency contacts. Okay, so no family.

Uh, friends? Roommates?

Anyone you've gone on more than one date with?

Not really.

I live alone.

I've only been in L.A. a couple weeks.

The only men in my life are you and Frank.

Oh, all right. How do I get a hold of Frank?

He's a pig.

He's a pig, you're a Hore.

No one's judging.

No, he's my pet pig.

My little frankfurter.

A pig.

Does he sleep in a blanket?

Yeah, he totally hogs the covers.

Hogs. Good one.

Never mind.

Uh, what about medications?

Love 'em.

No, I-I think they mean "are you taking any now?"

Oh, let's see, there's plaxitril for my depression,

zaxaprin for my anxiety,

dilapamin for my insomnia, and clodex

for my occasional bouts of rage.

No one likes an angry Hore.

Why didn't you tell me we were going to a gay bar?

'Cause if I told you, you wouldn't have come.

Yes, I would. I just would've dressed better.

And just to be clear,

you do know I'm not gay, right?

I don't think you're gay.

I-I mean, do I know guys that act less gay

that have sex with other guys? Sure.

But I know you're straight.

So, why bring me here?

Look around this room.

See all the women here? Yeah.

Well, some of them are gay. Those are mine.

The rest are straight.

Some of those are mine, too.

And everyone who's left

is gonna be drunk and horny by the end of the night

and looking for someone who doesn't think vaginas are yucky.

Oh, oh, you mean me.

Yay.

I mean, yay.

Okay, be careful.

Mm. Watch your leg.

You smell so good.

Thank you.

Let's see how you taste.

Okay. All right.

I see the painkillers have kicked in.

Oh, they sure did.

Right now, you could do anything to me

and I wouldn't remember.

Did I wink? 'Cause I was trying to wink.

Okay, let's-let's get you on the couch, huh?

Hey, let's get you on Nadine. Oh, okay.

All right, fine. Let's... just rest.

Thank you so much for taking care of me.

Well, you have a broken leg.

You don't have any family or friends

and you live on the fourth floor of a building with no elevator.

So, I couldn't just leave you on the street.

Could I?

You're handsome.

Yeah.

You're... drooling.

I'm gonna get you some food.

All right, but I have certain dietary constrictions.

I don't eat wheat, dairy, or anything with a face.

Although...

I would make an exception for you.

So, you're here with your niece?

Uh, yeah, she just recently came out of the closet

and she's painfully shy. Oh. Mm-hmm.