American Horror Story

You have to understand,

we've had so many weirdos who just want to come in

and see this place up close.

So, I need to check on a few things,

and I'll be right back.

There is no way we pull this off.

Okay, we look like the worst possible versions

of Heidi Klum and Seal.

Do you ever stop complaining?

I have a right to complain.

Okay, the council sent me here because

they obviously think I'm expendable.

And I had to put khakis on,

so it's been a hard day for all of us.

So maybe just shut up.

All right, Mr. and Mrs. James.

The wire transfer went through.

All you need to do now is sign.

I just can't wait to start making babies in our new home.

Well, before you start that,

there, there are issues

I legally have to make you aware of.

This house has been unoccupied for quite some time.

Over the past decade alone, there have been

an unprecedented amount of break-ins,

missing persons reports.

And, of course, the most disturbing...

You mean the people that died there?

Yeah, we know.

About all 36 of them?

Uh, what can we say? (LAUGHS)

The wife's a sucker for a farmhouse kitchen.

Okay, but to be clear, we're not legally liable

for any accidents, fatal or otherwise.

Other than that, congrats on your new home.

Yay.

Don't worry, we'll burn some sage.

What. A. Shithole.

Improved By: FidelPerez Sub Upload Date: October 20, 2018

Oh, so you an obstinate house.

Just use the key.

Weird.

How long did the Realtor say this place has been empty?

It looks like someone still lives here.

Something definitely lives here.

The psychic energy is stronger than

anything I've ever felt before.

This is not a home, this is a prison.

I pity the souls trapped here.

It must be hell.

I've actually been to Hell.

I promise you, this is better.

Well, I'm sensing really bad vibes.

Maybe we should go clubbing.

If you'd asked me a few years ago,

I'd be hitting up my coke dealer right now.

But I got a second chance at life.

A third chance, actually.

I can't fuck it up.

Don't forget who gave you that chance.

Do you honestly think Michael is evil?

That's what we're here to find out.

Cordelia wouldn't send us all this way for no reason.

I've never seen this spell before.

These spirits do not want to be seen by us.

We are trespassers in their home,

and if we want to talk to them, we're gonna have

to force them out of hiding.

Boy Supreme's family died here.

If anyone has the goods on Michael, it's them.

It's the others I'm worried about.

This place is more crowded than a French youth hostel.

Who knows what we're walking into?

Okay... let's see if this works.

My powers have been off since we stepped into this place.

Monstra te spirituum.

Monstra te spirituum.

Ne abscondas. Ne abscondas.

Ne abscondas!

Did it work?

We're in.

Calm down, skinny witch.

What the fuck happened in this house?

I've told you this a million times.

You're my psychiatrist. You're supposed to help me.

I have helped you.

We've had daily sessions going on for years now.

I feel like the only reason you're talking to me

is 'cause your wife refuses to talk to you.

Let's leave her out of this.

Well, then, let's talk about your daughter.

'Cause that's what I really need your help with.

Violet, please, talk to me.

You're the only thing I need!

It's torture.

Can you just talk to her?

What do you want me to say?

You set fire to your mom's boyfriend,

you shot and killed over a dozen kids in high school,

you helped kill her parents, plus you impregnated her mother.

Any one of those things would be reason enough...

I'm different now. Yeah, I'm...

You know, I'm dead and-and-and I'm hot,

and I know she has feelings for me.

You're not so hot.

That's right, you can see us,

and we can see you.

Who are you?

I'm Behold Chablis. This is Madison Montgomery.

You are Ben Harmon.

You killed yourself in this house several years ago

after your wife died in childbirth.

What are you talking about? I didn't kill myself.

I was murdered.

What the fuck is going on here?

We decide when we want to be seen.

Not anymore.

You're looking at two powerful witches.

And the spell we cast is just a small demonstration

of what we can do.

So, if you don't want any more disruptions,

you're gonna have to answer some hard questions

about Michael Langdon.

What are you gonna do, make us more dead?

Even people protected by magic aren't safe in this house.

I'd watch my ass if I were you.

Look, it's really important.

Our coven bought you a goddamn house

so nobody will come to bother you ever again.

Sorry, you got me at a bad time, I'm busy.

You're dead. What do you have to do?

I got to look out the window and cry while I masturbate.

It's my daily thing.

Okay, I know it's weird, but I kind of feel for the guy.

Should we try to help him?

You mean the tear jerker?

Ew, no, the other guy.

Sounds like he's stuck in a nightmare,

trapped in this Amityville reject

with the one thing he loves but can never have.

It's a romantic tragedy.

Aah, get the fuck off of me!

- Be gone! - You don't want to do that.

You'll have a house full of spirits coming after you,

and they aren't all as gentle as this one.

Beau, sweetie, you want to play?

Play!

Who the hell are you?

A friend of the house and its residents.

They don't take kindly to strangers.

You ain't dead?

Oh, honey, I'm one of the few live ones

they let come and go.

And you are Madison Montgomery.

Oh, have you seen my movies?

- I have fans everywhere. - No.

I've known a few Montgomerys in my time,

but it's not every day that I see a witch.

What are you?

Billie Dean Howard,

medium to the stars.

So, you're like a shitty Ms. Cleo.

Excuse me?

Now, who do you think you are, coming in here,

swanning around, spewing vulgarities?

We're the new owners. Who are you?

I'm Constance Langdon.

And this... is my fucking house.

Well, you two are the most unlikely pair.

But, on the plus side,

your spawn will have beautiful skin.

They're witches, Constance. It's magic,

not marriage, that connects them.

They won't be moving in.

Well, now, that is disappointing.

I guess I can't expect you to go running down to the Korean

to get me my Crown Royal and Virginia Slims?

You drink Crown Royal? You're dead.

It's true that this side of the mortal coil

makes it impossible to get a good buzz going,

but, well, old habits die hard.

It's done.

As demanded, the living room has been tidied yet again.

We'll see about that.

I won't be but a moment.

It'll be more than a moment.

Oh.

Do you know what this is on the tip of my finger?

It appears to be some dust that I missed.

No, it's my sense of wonder.

Why, it-it's the color of my piqued curiosity, it...

Oh, will you just get on with it?

Just because we're trapped here for eternity

doesn't mean you have to jabber on forever to make a point.

Tell me, little Miss Moira,

If you're going to be an old maid for all eternity,