American Housewife

Franklin and I have a big announcement.

We've decided to run for president

and vice president of our class.

Oh, thank goodness.

I thought you were gonna say we were engaged.

Oh, Franklin.

Your bone-dry sense of humor

makes you the perfect running mate.

That and I'm counting on you

to pull in the peanut-allergy vote.

Taking a leadership role at school is a great idea.

Do you know who you're running against yet?

So, far, it's just Todd and Mia Anderson.

But I'm sure a few others will throw their hats in the ring.

I can't wear hats.

My mom said my head shape and size is unidentifiable.

Drink this, Franklin.

You start talking nonsense when your blood sugar's low.

We're so proud of you, Anna-Kat.

- You're gonna do great, honey. -

She's gonna get killed in the election.

Hell, I'd even vote for Todd and Mia.

I know. They're friends with everyone.

And she's friends with...

Franklin.

She has been doing so well lately,

and her OCD is really improving.

If she loses this election, she could backslide.

Well, we can't tell her not to run for president.

Of course we can. Kids are clay, Greg.

It's our job to shape them.

Just like I shaped you.

- What'd you say? - Nothing.

Did you know my uncle was my dad and my dad is my brother?

I didn't either until yesterday.

Drink your juice.

Anna-Kat, while Dad and I think that it's great

that you want to run for class president,

the fact is that president is a terrible job.

- It is? - Mm-hmm.

Maybe there's another office you can run for.

Hmm. I could run for hall monitor.

Mnh-mnh. No way. I'm not raisin' no rat.

There's also Green Chair,

the student head of class recycling.

Yes! And since I'm head of the school recycling committee...

...we can get matching reflector vests

and pick up garbage together at night, like superheroes.

No superheroes pick up garbage at night.

Yes, they do. Just don't talk about it.

Before I agree to this...

Anna-Kat, who is running for Green Chair?

No one.

Anna-Kat for Green Chair!

Sorry, Franklin, I don't need a running mate anymore.

Green Chair is a single-seat office.

Plus, it probably wasn't the best idea

to bring work home with us, anyway.

Who's a good boy? You're a good boy.

Oh, hey, Trip. Taylor's not home yet.

Yeah, I'm meeting her when she gets back

from drama club rehearsal.

Oh, aren't you the good boyfriend.

- - Look at the ball!

Look at the ball. Look at the ball.

- Look at the ball. Look at the ball. -

Good boy. Watch the ball. Watch the ball.

Watch the ball. Here's the ball.

Here's the ball. Okay, go get it!

- So fun. -

Okay, well...

- Mom, can you sign this? - Mm?

It's a permission slip

to apply for a dance scholarship to Deervale Academy.

Isn't Deervale a boarding school?

- Like, where you go to live? - That's correct.

If I go there, I'm a shoo-in to get into Harvard.

I'm not sending you to boarding school.

We're not rich idiots who just throw money at people

to raise their stupid kids.

We are good middle-class parents.

We raise our own stupid kids.

But aren't you burned out on parenting?

Judging by your appearance, you seem very burned out.

I am.

But we still need the next four years to shape you

into being a halfway-decent, non-sucky human being.

Don't I get a say in what I want to do?

Hold on a second. I'm recording this.

Ask me that again.

Forget it.

Hey, guys.

Dad, this is Pierce.

We're in the musical together.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Uh, maybe we've already met.

Uh, perhaps you caught me last summer

at the Westport Playhouse,

where I was the lead in "Phantom of the Opera."

I was also in a commercial for Gary's Sporting Goods.

I played Boy Excited About His Backpack.

Ah, okay.

You guys are doing "Little Shop of Horrors," right?

Yeah, Pierce plays Seymour.

And he's been sweet to rehearse so much with me,

even though I'm just in the chorus.

I'm not being sweet. I mean, Taylor's amazing.

She's got a beautiful voice to match her beautiful face.

My God, Pierce, stop it.

Uh, Pierce, have you met Trip,

Taylor's serious boyfriend?

Yeah, yeah, we've seen each other around.

Everyone nominated for "Best Eyes" knows each other.

Trip, I-I know we said we'd hang out today,

but Pierce said he would help me rehearse this afternoon.

Oh, that's cool. I'll hang here until you guys are done.

Your dad and I are playing some catch.

- - Nice to meet you, sir.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Trip, what do you know about this guy Pierce?

Ooh, he was in "Memento." He was good in that.

No, Pierce, who was just here.

Do you think he was maybe a little touchy-feely with Taylor?

Nah, he seems like a good dude.

Ah, you're probably right.

Here you go, boy.

Ah, sorry, Mr. A. I wasn't ready for that.

The dog ate it.

- Guess what. - Hm?

I'm not running unopposed for Green Chair anymore.

Oh, really? Who's running against you?

Penny Brown Mueller-Lawton.

I wonder why Penny would run for Green Chair

so late in the race.

I might know why.

I'll have, uh...

Katie, please leave some pastries for the rest of us.

At least I know my bran muffin is safe.

It's the only thing here without frosting.

One bran muffin, please.

That was supposed to keep me regular.

- -

I'll never poop again.

Chloe is obviously making Penny run against Anna-Kat

to get back at me.

Penny will definitely beat her

and ruin our plans to give Anna-Kat the win.

You need to apologize to Chloe.

Or break into her house

and shave her eyebrows while she's sleeping,

then tattoo caterpillars where they used to be.

Fine.

Is it okay if I use my employee discount

to buy this bracelet?

Oh, that bracelet is absolutely gorgeous.

- Mm. - But it looks so bad on you.

Take it off. I hate it now!

I'm taking that out of your paycheck.

Chloe.

Katie.

Look, I know what I did at Stewart and Kingston's

- was childish. - Yes, it was.

But by any chance,

did you make Penny run against Anna-Kat

as retaliation?

I sure did.

- Hmm. Respect the pettiness. - Mm.

I came here to appeal to you, mother to mother.

Would you consider pulling Penny from the election?

Anna-Kat really needs this win.

Please.

Maria.

Please slap that muffin from Katie's hand.

- I really don't want to... - Maria!

I'm so sorry.

Penny's staying in the race.

And not only is she gonna beat Anna-Kat,

she's gonna destroy her.

Landslide, bitch!

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Well, get ready for a fight,

because Anna-Kat is gonna treat Penny

the way you treat Maria.

How dare you!

Maria, eat that muffin off the floor!