Knocked Up

Light your nuts on fire.

Fuck! Fuck! My hands!

Too hot for Jonah!

I got fucking water in my mouth!

Oh, my God!

I got to get off! I got to get off! Got to get off! Got to get off!

Sadie, wake up!

Oh, my gosh!

Daddy, wake up!

Okay, I'm up.

Is that my genius over here? Is that my genius?

I need you to take the kids to school this morning.

I would, but I'm supposed to work out. What?

Yeah. I got an appointment with a trainer. I can't cancel it now. He'll charge me.

You didn't tell me that. Yeah, I did.

Last week I told you. You didn't tell me.

I did. And then I wrote it on the calendar like you told me to.

No, you didn't tell me.

I did tell you. Well, you didn't,

but what are we gonna do, 'cause I have an appointment?

So you're taking the kids to school.

Don't use the baby to cover your tracks.

I can drive them. I'll drive them to school.

Thank you very much. Great. Good.

You turned my sister into a limo driver.

I don't mind. It all worked out!

What are you giggling about?

Be quiet. You're starting to annoy me.

Poo poo. Ladies. Be nice.

You know what I did the other day? What?

I googled "murder." You googled "murder"?

Yeah. Why?

I mean, what did it say?

It didn't say anything. It just showed pictures

of people lying dead on the floor and blood everywhere, and...

That was just ketchup.

Who wants to hear some music? I want to hear Rent.

I want to hear Green Day!

No, we're listening to Rent!

Well, I want to listen to Green Day.

I got your baby!

Don't taunt her. Come on. Here.

Sadie! Why did you just do that? Don't throw things at your sister!

She hit me.

Did you hit her? I did not.

Make her happy. It's okay.

It won't make her happy. It's okay. It's okay.

She spilled all the marbles on the floor.

Well, give her her marble back.

All right? Are you sure you understand the terms of the bet?

Because this is serious. No.

Martin, all right, listen.

You don't shave your beard or cut your hair for one year,

and if you can do that, I will pay your rent.

But if you shave, then you have to pay all five of our rents.

Thanks for the free money, bitch.

Hey, Martin, was it weird when you joined the Taliban,

being American and everything like that?

Like when you see a woman driving a car, do you just get pissed?

Just watch your back, Serpico. You never know who your friends are.

Okay, all right. You guys can't make fun of me the whole time.

But, Martin, it's a competition. It's called the Dirty Man Competition.

We're gonna make fun of you until you shave the beard.

That's the rules. That's the whole point.

You're supposed to be tempted into shaving.

Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.

You guys aren't allowed to make fun of me. It's not part of the rules.

Martin, why didn't you just listen to me when I was explaining the rules?

You just looked at me with that blank stare of yours.

It was like talking to a wax statue.

Okay, guys, are you ready?

"exactly how long into what movies their favorite stars are exposed."

Nice. Oh, fucking brilliant.

Pretty good, right?

Yeah. Yeah, ka-ching. We're in.

All right, guys, let start logging, all right?

Charles Manson? Do you have any other thoughts?

Good, awesome, let's start this off with a bang.

Jamie Lee Curtis. I got an hour and 10 minutes into Trading Places.

Both chesticles.

I got Julianne "Red Beard" Moore.

Short Cuts, two hours, 17 minutes, bush no boobs.

Julianne Moore special. She loves it.

I've seen that,

and from the look of her bush, Short Cuts is the wrong name for that movie.

Nice. Nice. Nice. Well done.

Her bush looks like the hedge maze from The Shining but red

and without Scatman Crothers in it.

Red Bush.

Red Bush.

So if you want that perfect tan like the stars, he's the one to see.

We'll be right back on E! News. Stay with us.

Okay. Okay, is Jessica Simpson here yet?

Let me check. Let me see.

Is she on her way? She's left her house? Hey, guys?

Okay, let me know when she's pulling in.

She's about to pull in. Is she camera-ready?

Is she camera-ready?

If she's gonna be in hair and makeup for three hours, I can't do it.

I'm not gonna be here. I got to do American Idol.

It's live. I got to do it. I got to be there.

What are we gonna interview her about? Nothing personal.

No personal questions. No personal questions.

Don't ask her about her sister and her nose job.

No plastic surgery questions. No plastic...

No personal questions.

She doesn't want to talk about her boobs or her father's comments about her boobs.

Great. We'll talk about the Middle East and maybe an idea of an exit strategy.

Maybe she has a good pitch.

Should I ask her about Korea?

Maybe have her point it out to us on a globe?

I don't understand the young talent in this town!

It doesn't make any sense. I got four jobs.

Hell, I'm more famous than half the people we talk to, anyway!

No one stands up.

No one has the balls to sit them down

and say, "Look, just cut the shit."

But everybody works for them.

They're all on the payroll. They're all sucking the teat!

Nobody sits them down, eye-to-eye, one-on-one, and says, "Cut the shit."

And all these stars just fuck it up.

That's what they do. They fuck my day up!

And it pisses me off. And now I'm sweating.

Okay, you want to... You know what?

You want us to just come and get you when she gets here?

You want to head to the green room for a minute?

Just chill out? Okay. Yeah. That's a good idea.

Want us to bring you anything? You want some water?

You want a cookie? Cookie, yeah, cookie. Thanks.

Okay, we'll get you a cookie. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm pissed.

What do we got? Chocolate chip?

Allison? Yeah.

Jack and I need to see you in his office.

Okay.

Thanks for coming in, Allison.

Well, we wanted to talk to you today

because we had a little debate on the conference call with New York about you.

You... About me? You were talking about me?

We were wondering aloud to one another

whether or not you would be good for on camera.

What'd you decide?

They... They decided that they like you,

and they would like to put you on camera.

Really? I know. I was so surprised, too.

Oh, my God. This is the best news ever. Thank you so much.

This is great! Congratulations.

Thank you. I'll take that smile as a "Yes, I'll do it."

Absolutely. I'm so excited! Oh, my God.

It's a lot of work. Can't wait to see what happens.

It's gonna be tough. Tough job.

About the work, most immediately,

there's gonna be some things that you're gonna be able to get...

Okay. ...that other people in the office don't get.

One of them, gym membership.

You want me to lose weight?

No, I don't want you to lose weight.

No. We can't legally ask you to do that.

We didn't say lose weight. I might say tighten.

Tight.

A little tighter?

Just like toned and smaller.

Don't make everything smaller. I don't want to generalize that way.

Tighter.

We don't want you to lose weight. We just want you to be healthy.

Okay. You know, by eating less.

We would just like it if you go home and step on a scale

and write down how much you weigh and subtract it by, like, 20.

Twenty. And then weigh that much.

Just remember, you've got it here, you've got it here

and everybody's gonna see you right there.

Yay! That's so exciting! Oh, my God!

Hey!

Huh?

I got a promotion.

Oh, congratulations! Thank you.

Hey, maybe you can get your own place now.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Yay! Let's go celebrate.

Okay. Let's do it.

Pete'll watch the kids? Yeah!

We can watch Taxicab Confessions.

What are you gonna do? I don't know!

I'm so excited!

I walked in on him masturbating one night.

Did he get the deer-in-the-headlights look?

Did he freeze or did he finish?

No, he tried to pretend like he wasn't doing anything under the covers.

Oh, no!

I buy these nice towels, and he whacks off into them.

Deb and Pete, forever. And...

And once he does that into them once, they're never soft ever again.

I can always tell if I'm looking good based on whether or not we get in.

Ladies? Guess we're looking good.

If I didn't get in, I would've lost my shit. What's going on, man?

How long you gonna make us wait out here, for Christ's sake?

What the fuck?

You know what movie I just saw again the other day, which is fucking, like,

mind-blowing, and I haven't seen it since it came out is Munich.

Oh, Munich!

Oh, man, Munich fucking rules. Munich is awesome!