Murphy Brown

And to end our show on a lighter note,

tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

Traditionally, the president

pardons two turkeys.

Okay, that's just too easy.

Feel free to write your own joke.

Tomorrow, we'll be off for the Thanksgiving Day Parade

and the National Dog Show.

Go Yorkies!

We'll be back bright and early on Friday morning.

So, America, put aside your politics, pick up your forks,

and have a wonderful holiday.

We're out!

Oh, and don't forget, the average person

gains two pounds over the holiday season,

and the camera adds ten.

So, renew your gym memberships, people.

Great show, everybody. Great show.

Happy Thanksgiving. See you Friday morning.

- Got to go. - Miles?

Nope. Got to go. Can't talk.

There's only three floors in this building.

Where is that elevator?

Miles, you never answered my invitation

for Thanksgiving dinner.

I'm so sorry, but, uh, I-I made other plans.

What other plans?

M-My Aunt Shirl... She's all alone,

so I'm spending Thanksgiving with her.

Your Aunt Shirl died two years ago.

Shouldn't you be starting to lose your memory by now?

Frank?

Murph, you know what? Uh, geez, of course I would

be there in a heartbeat, but you know what,

I have this cold-y flu-y

thingy... Whoa!

Does anybody else hear that ringing?

Yeah. It's the BS alarm, Frank.

You're coming.

- Corky? - What the hell

is wrong with this stupid thing?!

Oh, shoot!

Murphy, I had it all planned where I was just gonna

look at you and sort of say, "lady issues."

Then, Frank ruined it with his pathetic performance!

You guys, Avery has been on the road for the last few years.

He's hardly been home for Thanksgiving dinner,

and I thought it would be great

to have a home-cooked one.

I even bought the bird.

It weighs 25 pounds, and it cost $350.

So, you'll spend $350 on a turkey,

but you wouldn't chip in for a birthday card for Julius?

It's just that there are lovely ones online for free, and...

I want you all to be there for Avery...

and you're coming, too.

I'm actually not really big on Thanksgiving.

And not just because it celebrates the savage slaughter

of our indigenous peoples...

I mean, who doesn't like a holiday?

But I'm a vegan.

That's all the green stuff, right?

Well, we should have some of that.

So, see you at 2:00.

Hey, Murph, maybe you can serve the meal at the ER,

save us some drive time.

Anything I can bring... like the dinner?

Miles, don't you have any snide remark you'd like to make?

What's the use?

I'm as dead as Aunt Shirl.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Turkey Hotline.

This is Ken. How can I help you?

Ken, this is my first time cooking a turkey,

and I want to do it justice.

It weighs 25 pounds and cost $350.

$350?

What's it stuffed with, iPhones?

Look, it's a heritage bird.

It grew up on a farm in Vermont.

It ate nothing but organic grains.

It speaks three languages.

How do I know why it cost so much?

All right. Wound a little tight today, are we?

Relax. This is the turkey hotline,

not the suicide hotline.

You took the bag of giblets out of the cavity, didn't you?

Didn't you?

Didn't you?

Of course I did. What do you take me for?

Before you do anything,

preheat your oven to 450 degrees.

Hmm. Let me see...

You do have an oven, right?

My oven is on, Ken.

If that's your real name.

It isn't.

So, you pat the turkey dry

and season it all over with salt and pepper.

Ha! I already did that!

All right, don't get cocky.

And then, when the oven reaches 450,

place the turkey on the lowest rack.

Hmm.

"Congratulations on your new oven."

- What? - Nothing.

All right. After a half hour,

turn the oven down to 350.

And then, when is it done?

In 5 1/2 hours.

Uh-oh.

Ah, your friends are here.

Hope they like pizza.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Come on in! It's open!

Happy Turkey Day, guys!

Whoa, it is really blowing out there.

Weather says there's a major nor'easter coming our way.

Is Avery going to make it in?

Yep. He got the last flight out of Boston.

He was doing a piece on a food bank in Plymouth,

and he should be here any minute.

Do you need me to help you in the kitchen, Murphy?

Well, no, because when Avery sits down at the table,

I want him to know that his mother did everything.

I don't smell any turkey roasting.

Well, that's because your nose is stuffed

from that cold-y, flu-y thing.

So, are you excited to feast on a tortured creature

who spent its short, miserable life

trapped in a cage with thousands of other turkeys,

force-fed genetically modified grain,

until its head was cut off,

its body turned upside down,

and its blood drained onto the floor?

That did not happen to my turkey.

My turkey grew up on a beautiful farm in Vermont

with its own bed, turn-down service every night,

free cable,

and then, one bad day.

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Anyway, I brought my own food.

Check it out... soyball sub,

soystrami, and soysage.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Oh, thank God! Booze!

Yeah, well, you can't get through this holiday

without a little refreshment.

And it gave me a chance to clear off some stuff

that wasn't selling very well.

I hope you like banana schnapps.

Not even when I was drinking.

Miguel, I forgot to invite you.

Will you come to dinner tonight?

Oh, thanks, but I was just

helping Phyllis carry this stuff in.

I'm working on the food truck with my parents today.

- On Thanksgiving? - Yep.

Every year, we park the truck in front of one of those

"recently divorced dads" apartment buildings.

The guys are all on anti-depressants,

so the tips are huge.

I've got to go. My parents are out in the truck waiting for me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I mean, there's a storm.

You're not gonna make any money today.

Bring your parents in. There's plenty for everyone.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

Let me go ask them.

Another innocent victim.

Maybe three... a massacre.

I heard that.

Okay, here's the deal. I run a restaurant.

I wait on you people every day.

Today is my day off.

Today, I do nothing... except eat and drink.

Phyllis, could you hand me the remote?

Today, I do nothing.

Whoa!

Brutal out there!

- Hey, guys! - Hey!

- Hey, Avery! - Ohh!

This is great. The whole fam together on Thanksgiving.

I love it. And, hey, I saw the food truck outside.

That's really cool.

Whose idea was that?

You can have some turkey enchiladas,

some turkey mole, maybe some turkey fajitas.

Hey! Avery's here!

What is that?

Is that a apron?

Yes. It came with the expensive turkey.

Surprise.

I'm cooking Thanksgiving dinner.

Well, this is not good. Who... Who let this happen?

It's nobody's fault, really.

Oh, yes it is. It's his.

Really? How is it my fault?

Because she loves you and wants you to be happy,

and we have to pay for it!

You know, you guys are hurting my feelings.