Brooklyn Nine-Nine

I'm being transferred to the public relations office.

I am leaving the Nine-Nine effective immediately.

Hello. I'm your new commanding officer,

Captain Seth Dozerman.

My motto is simple: Efficiency, efficiency, efficiency.

Could probably just say it once.

Are you making fun of my stutter?

Oh, uh...

Tricked you. I don't have a stutter.

Boom, I've already established my authority

through my amazing sense of humor.

Well done, sir.

Welcome to the Nine-Nine.

I'm Sergeant Terry Jeffords.

And I'm not interested.

I have no use for people.

I find people weird and confusing.

I live my life by numbers.

You see this watch?

It tells me how many calories I burn at any time.

Question: How many calories do you think I burned

walking from there to there?

You, female closest to me.

Oh, uh, three?

Three? Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Try 0.8, numbnuts.

I have made promises to my superiors

that I most certainly cannot keep.

That's why I need you idiots to work twice as hard.

No, no, strike that. Four times as hard.

No, no, no, strike that.

I need you morons to work eight times harder

than you've ever worked in your entire life!

I'm having a heart attack.

Yeah, I'm having a heart attack.

Get back to work.

Get a doctor!

Yeah, I'm just gonna make some copies in here.

Perfect cover. Nailed it.

So apparently, the new captain survived,

and his heart attack... not the craziest thing

that happened at the precinct today.

We kissed, like, three hours ago.

Yes, we did kiss each other for reals.

For reals, reals.

- - Listen.

I know you said you don't want to date cops,

but I really like you.

I like you too.

Good.

But what if we start dating

and it makes things weird at work?

So let's just keep it light and breezy,

see where it goes.

Totally. Yeah.

So how do we keep it light and breezy?

I know. A comprehensive set of rules.

How am I attracted to you?

Doesn't matter. I am. Go.

Rule one, let's not tell anyone

so we can figure out what this is first.

Smort. Rule number two,

let's not put labels on it.

We're not boyfriend and girlfriend;

we're just "mrmmzeep" and "jinglebin."

Great. Rule number three,

let's not have sex right away.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool...

No doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt.

Good rule. No sex, good rule.

So should we go out tonight?

Yeah, totally.

Maybe 8:00, maybe 9:00. Doesn't matter.

We're light and breezy.

Totally light and breezy.

No!

Briefing room.

Five minutes.

Wow, very chill.

Wuntch.

Hello, Raymond.

You're looking old and sickly.

So nice of you to greet us, Madeline.

I thought surely you'd still be crushed under that house

in Munchkinland.

Sticks and stones, Raymond.

Describing your breakfast?

I came out as a gay cop in the 1980s,

so it's gonna take more than reassigning me

to break my spirit.

I'll turn this place around just like I did the Nine-Nine.

I doubt that.

Everyone, this is your new commanding officer,

Raymond Holt.

He's going to be with you for a long, long time.

Thank you, Chief Wuntch.

I'm excited to be back.

I look forward to doing meaningful work

beginning with my eight-point plan for community engagement.

Wonderful.

But no new initiatives

until you finish the meaningful work

that's already in progress here.

Could be a while, Raymond.

They're trying to come up with a name

for the NYPD's new pigeon mascot.

Oh, no.

What? Naming a pigeon?

How long could that possibly take?

They've been at it for months.

I love my life.

Holy Moses, he's alive.

So I want to explain what happened back there.

I did not have a heart attack.

The doctors have informed me

that I have a genetic heart condition.

My aortic valve is 16% too narrow,

which lowers my life expectancy from 103 to 64.

So sorry, sir. That's terrible.

Yes, it's depressing.

They also informed me that I carry the gene

for webbed feet,

which is interesting, more than anything else.

But, uh, when you stare death in the face,

as I have, it really puts things into perspective,

namely that I've been wasting too much of my time

farting around!

So that stops now!

Say good-bye to the fun, hilarious,

laid-back Seth Dozerman

that you used to love.

Boys, hand 'em out!

What the hell are these?

"What the hell are these?"

These are Dozer-pads.

Each one is equipped with a GPS system

and a countdown clock to remind you

to complete a task every 55 minutes.

It also has backgammon on it, which I could not delete

but you are not allowed to play.

What happens when the clock runs out?

Dozerman: Failure. Failure.

You are behind schedule!

- Oh, that's fun. - Yeah.

Your 55 minutes starts right...

now.

Sarge, I don't need to be monitored all day long.

I'm not a toddler. This is stupid.

I know you're not a toddler,

because my toddlers know that "stupid" is a no-no word.

Keep that Dozer-pad on you at all times.

Fine, but I am gonna play the hell out of some backgammon.

Watch me.

Bouche Manger.

Oh, small plates,

casual-chic ambiance, no free soda refills...

Jakey's going on a date.

Are you going on a date with Amy?

What? No. Why?

Uh, because you guys just kissed on that mission.

Charles, we just kissed 'cause we were undercover.

That's it. - Yeah, it didn't mean anything.

Not that it's any of your business, Boyle,

but the person that I'm taking on a date

is a girl from the gym.

What?

Why is this the first time I'm hearing about her?

Or that you go to the gym?

Jake, avoid the weights.

Nobody wants you turning into another Terry.

Ugh.

Hey, people like the way that I look.

Sure they do, big guy.

Look, I can't believe you're gonna take

some fitness floozy to Bouche Manger.

You should be going with Amy.

Right, Amy?

Uh...

Whatever, dog.

Date the flooze.

See?

It's never gonna happen, Boyle, okay?

Because I find Amy repulsive,

and she finds me extremely handsome.

So stop pressuring us.

Oh, you sweet, naive boy.

I haven't even begun to pressure you two.

I've already written my best man speech

for your wedding.

Oh, I'm gonna need you to get married on a farm.

A lot of my jokes rely on that.

So here we are,

officially on a date,

romantical date.

Yes, we are.

No longer just colleagues.

Dating.

You got a haircut. It looks nice.

Oh, thanks.

You also got a haircut