Short Circuit

Enemy neutralized, ladies and gentlemen.

Objective completed.

- Very nice. - Yes, very nice.

Introducing your host, Dr Howard Marner.

President of Nova Robotics.

Well, ladies and gentlemen

I want you to meet strategic artificially intelligent nuclear transport.

Or SAINT, as we call it.

If a question of survival, then SAINT is the answer.

It is quite simply, the most sophisticated robot on planet Earth.

Adaptable to steaming jungle and burning deserts and frozen arctic wastes.

Well, of course it's adaptable because it's a robot.

Therefore, impervious to...

- the ravages of nature. - Crush ice.

Glass. Ice.

Gin.

Tonic.

A squeeze of lime.

- Your cocktail, Dr. Marner. - Thank you, Number 2.

Just the way I like it...

shaken, but not stirred.

Oh my...

Well...

One thing we can't control is the weather. The man upstairs is still in charge of that department.

So, why don't we just move our little presentation back into the lab?

- Oh, and one more thing Dr. Marner. - Yes, Senator Mills.

Where's the young man that actually designed these things?

- Dr. Crosby? - Yes.

We were told we would be meeting with him.

And so you shall.

- When? - Soon.

Maybe not today, but soon.

- Why not today? - Flu.

I'd feel happier about approving this project if I could speak with him.

I'll see what I can do.

Would you excuse me for just... I'll be back in just a second.

Norman, bolt up the motion control system please. Don't forget that. It's very important.

Where is he?

I need him.

Stat!

Excuse me sir.

Crosby... he is hiding in the toilet, sir.

Public relations is everybody's job.

Well he is sitting at the cross they are making him dog sick, sir.

Look. He's supposed to be here. I want him here. I pay him to be here.

Well, the last time I am seeing him, he is busy vomiting, sir.

Well, clean him up and send him out to hob nob.

Stat!

Newton, come on, hurry up. They are waiting for you.

Newton Crosby. You must make instantaneous appearance.

Marner says "Stat".

You have to go hob nob with the big wigs.

Is that a yes or the number of your intelligence quotient?

Ben, I don't hob nob.

If you you like all that P.R. crap, why don't you go hob nob.

Mingle with the brass. Have a ball.

I am sick of wearing the dress in this family.

Crosby, now don't you hang up on me. I know you're there. I want you up here right away!

Come on Newton! Swallow your guts. You can do it.

Show them that you're a hot shot fun guy underneath your clothes.

Now, what do they need me for?

To tell them each robot costs 10 million dollars and it kills people?

Ben, a child of four can tell them that.

That is why they are needing you.

- Now come on. Hurry up! - Just one dance.

Now, I have to go to the jack. So you wait for me.

The "john."

Oh, ya, you're doing real good.

- Just keep working on those last two bars. - Let us go!

Coming through, please.

Wine coolers. Perier, Long Island ice tea.

Please take a drink.

He's putting on a tie.

He's going to tell you about these peace time uses.

It's got plenty of peace time uses.

You mean besides serving gin and tonic?

The only way to secure the peace, Senator, and I'm sure you know...

is be prepared. See...

We can parachute these robot guys behind enemy lines.

They hide out till the first strike blows over.

Then, each one of these little boogers carries a 25 megaton bomb

right up the middle main street of Moscow. Like the mail man bringing bad news.

We call it "Operation Gotcha Last".

- That's what you call insuring peace. - Oh, ya...

just...

We're all thinking the same way. Would you like to see our control center, Senator?

Hey, Norman. You better get number 5 off that generator, man.

OK, OK, I'll get to it.

Run, Jim!

Jesus H God!

What the hell happened?

I don't know.

Oh my God! It's fried.

Oh! We're in deep shit now, man.

I hope got a few million bucks.

Because that's what they're going to charge us if this think is fried.

- Everything checks out. - What?

It's amazing. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

OK, robots. Verbal command. Access code 29 report to disarming section.

Get out of here, you little crap bucket!

Go on!

It's the ultimate soldier.

Obeys orders, never asks questions.

Originally, I had non-military purposes in mind.

I designed it as a marital aid.

Very funny.

No...

I'm sure we'll all agree that Dr. Crosby has designed a weapon...

that will keep our world safe for all time.

Howard, what's so safe about blowing people up?

Coffee service coming through. Please watch your step.

Hot coffee.

Coffee service coming through. Please watch your step.

Please serve yourselves. Have a canopy. Shrimp toast. Caviar.

Pate, salmon moose, Cheese Whiz...

Ladies and gentlemen, our prototypes are here.

I've only counted 4, so tell me I've miscounted.

- Gag me with a fork, sir. - What?

Number 5 left the debriefing station and then it just disappeared.

Oh, God, not today!

- Alright, call security. - I did, sir, stat.

Good, you did, great. Just stay calm!

- How're you doing? - Running late as usual.

I knew it. God damned garbage cans!

Garbage cans with guns. Newfangled bullshit!

- Have you got anything stronger? - I got trouble which I don't need.

Because my wife is home cooking a steak which is going to be dried out when I get there.

I think we got it. What is that right there?

- Coffee machine. - You're right, that's what it is.

- It's a coffee machine. - That's very good, Howard.

Now it is time to freeze this place, seal the doors, slam the gates shut.

All right, good enough.

OK, here you go.

Main gate. Captain.

- Where did you disappear to? - I was hob nobbing.

OK, OK come on over here quick. Come on. Come on, quick.

The guys downstairs say that number 5 was hit by a huge power surge.

He should have shut down. Did you try the return code?

Ya, no response.

This is very strange, he won't talk to me.

- You sure number 5 is operational? - Ya, as far as I know.

- Check the list polling system. - OK.

Let's try the emergency override.

This is bullshit. Just let me go get it.

Access code, 42721.

Access gained, number 5 standing by.

With that ease, you've gotten him on your terminal.

You're just a fine kid.

Report your position.

Malfunction, need input.

What the hell's a need input for?

I don't know, I guess it can't triangulate his position.

That's a simple function.

Do you know how to triangulate your position, Howard?

- No. - Well, then, there you go.

I'm glad you think this is all such a joke, Crosby.

Don't worry, Skroeder, you're not going to miss a meal.

Just shut it down, pick it up.

Unable, malfunction.

How can it refuse to turn itself off?

Maybe it's pissed off.

It's a machine, Skroeder, it doesn't get pissed off...

it doesn't get happy, it doesn't get sad, it doesn't laugh at your jokes.

- It just runs programming. - Usually runs programs.

Anybody try the homing device yet?

- No. - Oh, come on you guys, use your heads!

It's probably right down the hall and...

Ah... Here it comes... Here it comes...

And...

Bingo!

Good lord! It is outside the fence!

Oh, and that is not the worst of it, Dr. Marner.

Don't tell me its laser is still armed.

Bimbo!

Crosby, what's he going to do?

Howard, it's hard to say.

It's malfunctioning. It might not do anything.

But it could decide to blow away anything that moves. Couldn't it?

Couldn't it, Crosby?

Oh, my God. It's not coming back. We've got to destroy it.

No. Howard, you're overreacting. You can't...

Look, let us at least try to catch it first.

Ya, we'll panic later, OK?

What if you don't catch it. What if it goes out and melts down a bus load of nuns...

How would you like to write the headline on that one?

- Nun soup? - Ben!

- Howard. - What?

OK, it's malfunctioning. Think about it.

- What about function? - Alright, look...

Why don't you get your team together and Skroeder,

Duke, Otis!

- And detain number 5 the best you can... - Alright, Howard.

- And still avoid an incident. - I'm already moving.

And Skroeder,

You understand you don't have to blow it up.

You don't have to blow it up, Skroeder.

Just try and bring it back in one piece. - One piece will do.

Whatever it takes to put that stupid contraption out of commission, gentlemen,

- that's what you do. - Yes sir.

Give inertial status...