Vulgaria (低俗喜劇)

Your attention please

This film has been classified as vulgar comedy

It contains high amounts of coarse language, adult themes,

political incorrectness, discrimination and sexual situations

As such, this film has been rated

one level higher than Parental Guidance:

Parental Censure

Any persons who are unable to accept these themes

will be granted 10 seconds of screen time

to leave the cinema

As a result of seeing this film

If any persons develop symptoms of

emotional distress

illness

unhappiness

or erectile dysfunction

the film and the cinema would like to make clear that

it's none of our fucking problem!

Aiyah sorry, sorry, sorry!

I didn't expect you to be so punctual

I thought most film people are always late

Personally, I am usually pretty on-time

Not just during film shoots

Even going to the cinema, I'm never late

When you're watching a movie

if you're late, you just miss a bit

But when you walk to your seat

you're blocking other people's view, asshole

Let's start when the students are all here

Isn't he cool? Arriving later than the professor

OK, everyone. All here?

Then let's start

I'm very pleased to have here with us today a film producer

My old friend Mr. To Wai-cheung

Please give him a warm welcome

Oh, and please remember to turn off your cellphones

don't disturb our little get-together

Ah To - you don't mind me calling you that, right?

Love it

We have many students here from different departments

but they're all interested in the subject of "producing"

However, theory and practice are usually different Right

So we hope you can share your experience with us

We're recording this lecture, ok?

Not a problem

Alright! Let me ask the first question then

Exactly what kind of work does a producer do?

Professor, that's a good question

Many people want to know that

If you want to know what a film producer does

then you must first understand

his role in a film production

Professor, may I ask you a biological question?

Sure! What is the point of having pubes?

Excuse me?

Pubes!

There are a lot of students here...

Oh, yes. Sorry

Forgot that there are girls here too Yes

Let me make it clearer

What is the pubic hair's function?

Don't say you don't know

Pubic hair is very strange

It looks ugly and sheds easily

If you don't let it breathe, it'll stink

If you're competing for Miss Hong Kong

when you get to the swimsuit event

some pubic strands may stick out of your bikini

so embarrassing

So how can something so ugly

still serve a purpose?

It does

During sexual intercourse

the bodies collide against one another

which then generates friction

The function of the pubic hair

is to ease that friction

Try shaving it off

you'll find that it really hurts

Producers then are responsible for

easing the friction between people

A normal producer is like a patch of straggly pubes

A good producer is like a great thick bush of pubic hair

So my parents paid for me to study for four years

just to learn how to become like pubic hair?

Exactly!

Not really

You'll also get a diploma out of it too

Let's get back to the subject then

I have been talking about the subject

Besides that handful of...

I mean, producers also work in other areas

For example, how do you find investors?

That's another good question!

Finding money is very important

Once you have money

you can fool around

friction will then turn up

So those thick pubes will come in handy again!

Can we not always use pubic hair as an example?

I'm sorry. I only used it twice

This is an institution for higher learning

Why don't we talk about

is it hard to find funding nowadays?

There are many ways to find money

Having a big studio boss is one way

brands promote their products using "soft sell"

That's right, class!

I know lots about product placement

Let me explain it to you

Product placement is now very popular

During a movie

brands promote their products using "soft sell"

then the advertising is paid to the film company

It's like killing two birds with one stone

What's your question?

Most product placements these days are too obvious

As a producer

do you accept money from anyone?

In principle, yes

But you must understand

clients want their product onscreen

for the whole film

but the director doesn't want even a single shot

As the pube...l mean producer

I must mediate between the two sides

You make yourself sound so smart

but can you really appease both side?

Hey! Good morning

What's up with you?

The traffic in Central is so bad in the morning

It's crazy man!

I didn't think that you'd show up to a presentation

while wearing slippers!

I have yoga class tonight

This way it's easier for me to change clothes

If you don't like it, I can go home and...

You're in a rush

Why don't I just go and buy a new pair

That store's shoes are ok

Oh shit! I forgot to bring my VIP...

Without my VIP card, it means no discount

Hey, VIP. Why don't you just disappear

Please just give me the director's synopsis

Hold this. He e-mailed it to me last night

So I saved everything into this...

Hello Kitty USB

Shall I go over the details with you first?

No need. Is it similar to the last version?

Just tiny changes

Fine. I'll present it myself

Nowadays, soft product placement

for a multinational corporation's brand building

is especially important

Union, as the world's 4th largest insurance company

it is even more crucial

to build an international image

In this story, the director is trying to present

Union's status and significance in the global community

Imagine Jay Chou as part of your company's insurance staff

with a happy family and good career prospects

Just think about it

Jay Chou. Such a suave guy

wandering back and forth in front of your company logo

As a female audience

how can you resist buying insurance from Union?

That's right, he accidently finds out that

the company every year has over

USD 10 million missing...

Under Jay Chou's investigation

he finds that this is connected to a huge international conspiracy

It turns out that your company

every year sends this huge amount of money

via an offshore account directly to...

Al-Qaeda?

Yes, al-Qaeda

Because“.

If the planes are covered by Union insurance

and accidents occur and the planes crash

your company...would ask the terrorist organisation

to confess to the attacks

Since terrorist attacks aren't covered by insurance

therefore Union can then

reject all claims from the victims' families

Please... Everybody calm down

Not everyone in the company is bad

only the management

To expose the truth, Jay Chou

continues his investigation until he's stopped by the top brass

In order to stop Jay

Oh motherfucker

They...even murder his wife and family

And their insurance records

are all confiscated and deleted by management

To fight for justice

and for his family's insurance claim

he confronts Union's management

and exposes the plot to the world

Fine. I won't try to justify this

How about this